Many years ago, I got an iPod Nano. You will not be particularly surprised to hear that it eventually broke for no discernable reason, as I understand that becoming completely inoperable is just one of the many unique features that iPods offer. (I did not, for the record, get the dreaded "frowny iPod" when mine broke, since my iPod was somehow under the impression that the ability to turn on and freeze at the menu screen did not warrant frowniness.)
Needless to say, I did all of the various things that Apple and various strangers on the internet recommend to fix my iPod, even though an inordinate number of the suggestions seemed to revolve around holding down different parts of the click-wheel-from-hell. That thing is a pain in the neck even when the iPod is working, so having to try to use it to fix the iPod was quite the karmic shit sandwich. And of course, none of these suggestions worked worth a damn.
And so, my iPod became purely decorative, though I would occasionally show it to my iTunes in the hopes that it would remember the good old days of playing music and decide to get back in the game. And I was reduced to listening to the radio when in the car--even during roadtrips. (Do you have any idea how much radio sucks now? Of course not. You all probably have working mp3 players.) Moreover, being the kind of dork who is uncomfortable with pirating music, I was also stuck with a bunch of downloaded songs that couldn't be played on anything but an iPod and which I didn't want to buy again. (Side note: I could nobly say that my aversion to downloading music for free stems from the fact that, as a writer, I feel the need to respect copyright and be sure that others are paid for their creative endeavors. And that certainly is part of it. But another big consideration is the fact that the last time I downloaded a bunch of music for free, I also managed to get the nimba virus and almost destroy my computer. So really what we have here is a combination of property rights and fear. And the property rights thing isn't strong enough for me to get worked up about what other people do.)
Anyway, if the smirking hipster spokesman wasn't reason enough for me to hate all things lowercase "i"-related, the fact that I was locked-in to buying yet another iPod would have done the trick. Hey Apple! How about instead of becoming the Starbucks of electronic goods (overhyped and not nearly as hip as you make yourself out to be), you work on that whole iPod failure rate?
However, I am happy to say that I am no longer bitter about my mp3 problems. Ok, obviously that's not entirely true--I clearly carry a lot of bitterness about it. But at least the problem has been solved. For Christmas, Santa brought me a 120GB Zune, which is Microsoft's newer entry in the mp3 market. Guess what? No click wheel! It has a touch pad! And it also has a subscription service that led directly to my downloading about 600 songs in the last week. (Because I'm not really willing to pay for a copy of "Eye of the Tiger", but as part of the unlimited subscription thing, I no longer need to exercise restraint or prioritize anything in my downloading habits.) The hard drive is so big that I can hold entire TV shows on it--though I haven't really watched any video on the Zune itself because Zune can stream on our TV directly through the XBox 360. Seriously, when I download something in the Zune Marketplace (their version of iTunes), I can watch it through the XBox in the other room without ever connecting anything to anything else. It's pretty damned kickass.
And the best part? No more trying to figure out which cutesy icon or title applies to what I'm trying to do with my software. Sometimes I wonder if the entire Apple writing department is staffed by middle school girls. I envision their memos being written in purple ink with little hearts over the "i"s. What the hell is wrong with being direct once in awhile?
And finally, I should probably mention that (unfortunately) no one from Microsoft gave me any compensation or incentives to say any of the above. It's my totally true and un-subsidized story. Which is not to say that I would be above taking their money if they offered. Oh yeah, I'd sell out faster than you could say, "bankrupt ethics." But alas, no one is buying. Hey! What's up Microsoft? Don't pretend you don't have the money!
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