Uberfluff

Generally, I'm not one to make light of celebrity fights.  Ok, that's not particularly true.  I would definitely make light of them.  But I'm not one to defend the apparent aggressor.  Still, with almost no information available and everything coming down to pure speculation, I'm going to take Kiefer Sutherland's side on the little scuffle between him and Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at and afterparty for the Costume Institute Gala.  The gossip says that Kiefer was somehow defending Brooke Shields--though her representatives say that McCollough didn't do anything inappropriate and they don't know why Sutherlands headbutted the designer.  But based on my scientific parsing of that teeny bit of information, I say that the headbutting was justified because:

1.) Look at McCollough.  I want to headbut him right now just looking at his picture.  I bet he's the kind of guy who sits there and makes bitchy little comments while everyone laughs, safe in the knowledge that no one will do anything about it; and

2.) I just like a good headbutting.  People don't often take advantage of the tactical advantages of the headbutt, and it looks cool as hell if pulled off correctly.

Of course, given that I just wrote that, it will probably come out that McCollough spends his spare time bottle-feeding homeless puppies and Sutherland attacked him for getting to the valet first.  But I say, why let total ignorance keep you from opining on something?  It certainly doesn't stop celebrities from telling us how we should vote or what we should drive.

If there are still women out there who like to compare their circle of friends to various characters from Sex and the City, I don't want to know about it.  (Though it is interesting that the Samantha girl never minds being the group slut, while no one wants to be Miranda.)  Personally, I'm shocked that they're actually going to wring a movie sequel out of the show.  It almost feels like a time warp to watch the early episodes now--a sort of, "gee, I remember back a few years ago when women were pinning giant cloth flowers to all of their clothes."

What I find curious is the continued popularity of Sarah Jessica Parker--mostly because I have never heard a (straight) man say anything complimentary about her looks.  Personally, while I don't find her drop-dead gorgeous, she's still reasonably attractive in my view.  (My main gripe with Carrie Bradshaw is the continued insistence that she's some kind of great writer when she uses such trite and horrific puns all the time.)  But the way I hear guys talk about her, she may as well have a hump and a hairy wart on the tip of her nose.  Sometimes, I wonder if this is actually part of her appeal to women.  She is that enviably stylish friend that you can still feel confident won't outshine you, looks-wise.  Which makes it easy to like and admire her.  Or maybe she just gets to be an easily accesible fantasy--here she manages to be professionally successful and date millionaires as Carrie Bradshaw, and without ever being very talented or extraordinarily beautiful.  It's a lot easier to imagine oneself in Carrie Bradshaw's place when you don't have to account for supermodel looks.

But I do wish they would just stop with the puns.  Dear God, the puns.

Admittedly, I'm a little biased, seeing as I hate Miley Cyrus and everything she stands for with the burning fire of a thousand suns.  Also, she can't sing.  And her name is stupid.  And I'm fresh out of patience with the disingenuous "What do you mean this is slutty?" teen star thing.  And don't even get me started on her insipid giggle or the never-ending stream of brainless bs that constantly spews from her mouth.  And . . . er . . . sorry, I got a little carried away and lost my main point there.  Anyway, when I heard that Jamie Foxx was doing the whole groveling apology-thing for remarks he made on-air about Miley, I have to admit I was hoping for something really good and nasty.  At least something equivalent to the abuse that has been (so deservedly) heaped on Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan. 

And so I was a little disappointed by the actual comments that provoked this tempest in a B-cup.  I mean, sure, it was a little harsh, but the context is so clearly in the radio show mockery category that it lacked any of the heat or seriousness that would make it deserving of a real apology.  To be honest, I'm a little disappointed in Jamie Foxx for going the whole Mea Maxima Culpa route.  If you're going to defend yourself on the ground that you're a comedian offering comic commentary, then don't cave in and undermine your point by apologizing.  Of course, I'm not sure that Foxx really counts as a comedian anymore anyway.  He certainly acts like a movie star, as his little excursion into public apology land seems to demonstrate.  Comedians say vastly more offensive things all the time and never book Leno appearances to squirm out of the furor over them.

Anyway, if you haven't already heard them, you can listen to Foxx's original comments below.  It should probably go without saying that it isn't remotely work safe.

So it appears that Kate Moss, she whose face launched a thousand eating disorders, is planning to "write" a cookbook.  Really.  Not only that, but rumor is that it will be a kosher cookbook as she has recently gotten very excited about kosher cooking.  That's so weird because I had no idea that cocaine is kosher.  Maybe it's just that you're not allowed to combine it with heroin at the same meal.

I say "write" because cynic that I am, I find it difficult to believe that Moss herself is going to be placing actual words into sentences in preparation for the cookbook's release.  I'm assuming that some poor shmuck who has never graced a catwalk will be doing the heavy lifting on this project.  However, I have no doubt that we will get to see Kate in all her glory when it comes time to publicize it--leading right up to the most annoying cliche of all: the interview with the Supermodel who claims to love food and packs down a 6-course meal in front of the impressed interviewer.  Along with claims about how ugly and awkward they were as teens, that might be my most hated supermodel trope ever.

I only have MTV and VH1, so you'll probably understand when I say that I don't really have a TV channel that shows videos at my house--that's why I hadn't seen Eminem's new "We Made You" video until now.  Is it just me, or is Eminem looking . . . well . . . cleaner and less skeezy than in times past?  I would say that he's had some work done if I wasn't afraid that I'd show up in his next video as a man in a bad wig humping a stuffed yeti.

In any case, I guess I did kind of miss Eminem.  I don't know why celebrities get so offended at being mocked in his videos.  Well, I understand why some of them do, since it's not all that flattering in some cases--Amy Winehouse and Samantha Ronson (Lindsey Lohan's girlfriend) probably have a case for upset here.  And maybe Brett Michaels.  (Though considering that his second breath of fame comes from having a TV show where slutty women fight over him, I don't have a lot of sympathy to spare for Brett.)  But Lindsey Lohan, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Sarah Palin, and the rest?  I think it's more of a backhanded honor--the new equivalent of being the subject of a Weird Al song.

Today's Daily Fluff about Madonna reminded me that Madonna's much heralded adoption of a 3-year-old girl from Malawi ended up being denied by the Malawi courts.  Apparently, the girl's extended family wants to care for her and has been fighting the adoption despite the pressure put on them to give in and the promises that the girl would go off and become a doctor or lawyer, then return to Malawi to take care of them all.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Why the hell does Madonna keep trying to adopt Malawi children who have living parents/relatives to care for them?  It's not as though there aren't plenty of orphans around the world who don't.  The whole thing is incredibly weird and creepy, and sinks my opinion of Madonna even farther (if such a thing is possible).  I don't have any issue at all with adoption in general.  Unlike other people, I don't think Angelina Jolie is weird and crazy--well, at least not for reasons related to her many adopted children.  Madonna, however, gives the impression that every time she feels lonely or needs an image boost, she jets off to an impoverished region of Africa to pick out a new baby.

So yes, I'm glad that she got turned down.  I'm going to make the assumption that Madonna doesn't get a lot of people saying, "no" to her.  (This explains the horrible leotard phase she went through.)  Moreover, there probably aren't many things that happen that she can't buy her way out of.  This is one situation where I don't even feel bad about my Madonna schadenfreude.

Yesterday, for reasons probably related to the fact that I often waste my time in profoundly silly ways, I watched I Get That A Lot on CBS.  It's just a basic hidden camera prank show, with the hook/twist of having celebrities (albeit a very generous definition of "celebrity" that somehow includes Jared from the Subway commercials) in regular-guy jobs, insisting that they are not the celebrity that customers recognize them as.  Hence, "I get that a lot."  Yep, they're dastardly clever over at CBS.

Anyway, it was moderately entertaining at best, though Jessica Simpson's turn as a hapless computer tech was fun--largely because having Jessica Simpson as your Mac repairman offers quite a conundrum to the 20-something geekish male customer.  On the one hand, she's ditzy and clearly incompetent.  On the other hand, she's hot.  You won't be surprised to hear that being nice to the hot girl generally won out over getting mad at the terrible employee.  Alas, I missed Heidi Klum slinging pizzas, which has very much the same potential.

Still, my primary thought in watching the show was that I'm very happy that I'm way too clueless to be a competent celebrity spotter.  Because even if I recognized my supermarket cashier as Jeff Probst (which is doubtful), I would easily accept his denial.  And then would come the gaffes.  In an attempt to defuse the situation, I would probably end up sticking my foot in my mouth.  Thus, to Jeff Probst denials, I'd probably follow with, "Oh, I'm sorry.  Well, Survivor hasn't been good in years, anyway.  And the host is so self-important--like he's so tough for just hanging out in the hotel and showing up for challenges and tribal council."  Or worse, if I had ended up recognizing Mario Lopez (who was manning a hot dog cart): "Sorry Man.  I should have known.  After all, isn't he gay?  I heard he was, but maybe that's a just a rumor from when he was in that awful Greg Lougainis biopic.  And don't even get me started on Saved by the Bell.  Zack was ok, but could there have been a bigger douche than Slater?  It's pretty clear who the real stars of that show were."

Alas, I don't think I would have anything clumsy to say to Heidi Klum though.  My tactlessness stops short of pointing out that someone is way too pretty to be working at a pizza place.  I guess I'm just as influenced by beauty as gawky adolescent males.

Not that I expect most people with more important things in their life to remember her, but Kenley (the retro dress designer from season 5 of Project Runway) was just arrested in NYC and spent the night in jail for assault, harrassment, menacing, and criminal possession of a weapon.  Needless to say, when I saw the headline, I was expecting the same-old story about starting a fight in a club, or maybe threatening a papparazzo.  (Not that I expect that Kenley is actually famous enough to be followed by papparazzi, but still.)

Instead, it turns out that she threw a cat at her boyfriend.  Also, his laptop, some apples, and a glass of water.  Yep, just your run-of-the-mill domestic dispute--though throwing the cat was an interesting twist.  What surprises me most is the fact that a cat, if thrown, evidently counts as a weapon.  Who knew?  Was it a ninja cat?  Maybe it was a Army Ranger like Nicholas Cage in Con Air--where the fact that it has been trained for fighting automatically qualifies the cat as a deadly weapon.  It seems kind of unfair that all the blame is falling on Kenley when her highly-trained ninja cat isn't sharing any of the responsibility for the attack.  Going from what I know about cats, it had probably been waiting and training for this opportunity for months.  I wouldn't be surprised if the entire argument was part of the cat's grand scheme.

You know, I find it a bit troubling that somewhere, some guy will look at this picture of Amy Winehouse and think, "Damn.  She's hot.  I would totally hit that."  I mean, it's difficult to fathom that anyone could feel that way.  I tend to think of her as anti-sexy--the kind of person who makes you want to take a vow of chastity and spend the evening eating ice cream and watching MASH re-runs.  (Other anti-sexy people include Andrew Dice Clay and Ruth Bader Ginsberg.)  But human taste being what it is, someone thinks Amy Winehouse is hot.  (I believe this picture was taken very recently, not long after the news broke that she was being charged with assault for hitting a female fan.  How very edgy of her.)  Oh, and by the way, when are we going to be done with the bouffant thing?  I let it go when she first got famous as a way of creating a persona, but I think the need to sport a hideous hairdo in order to stand out has passed.  Who needs hairspray when you have addiction?

On another note, the Watchmen movie comes out today, which is . . .well, not super-exciting, but still neat.  We'll go with moderately exciting.  I do have a quarrel with the advertising for it though.  I'm aware of the graphic novels and the basic story, but I'm not a fan by any means.  Still, I want to see the movie based on what I already know about it.  The commercials, however, haven't helped at all.  They pretend to give you character profiles, but if you're not already familiar with the character, all you really learn is what he/she looks like.  The central message of the ads is: Hey! It's a superhero movie with a dark world and a cool look! Please get excited about it!

Of course, I still want to see it.  I just wanted to be more eager about it.

So, I watched the first episode of Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday night.  Why?  Because apparently I have secret masochistic tendencies.  And while there were tons of things that annoyed me during that episode (three words: Andrew.  Dice.  Clay), one thing in particular stood out: the inherent unfairness of the men vs. women format.

Not in general, of course.  I think that, given a fair playing field and roughly comparable contestants, a gender war theme is perfectly fair.  But this isn't a fair playing field, and it's not one with roughly comparable contestants.  And this is because of the nature of fame.

Celebrity Apprentice is cast with a few genuine celebs (Dennis Rodman, Herschel Walker, Joan Rivers), and then a bunch of lesser lights that will make up the difference.  Many of these people have gained some business experience through their various post-fame enterprises.  The problem is that when it comes to finding lesser celebrities, the men still get people who have spent some time in their life doing actual work.  The women get people who are famous because they are pretty, slutty, or both, and whose post fame business savvy may (at best) consist of starting an unsuccessful line of lingerie.  Not to mention that they're also generally dumb as a post and insanely high-maintenance, making them a nightmare to manage. "Oh, but Playboy models can be smart."  Yeah, spare me.  That's why so many Playmates of the Year win the Nobel Prize for Physics.  Sure, one of the them (once) might have been smart.  And perhaps they're no dumber than your average model or actress.  But no, Virginia.  Playboy models are not smart.

So that the end result is that we get the pleasure of watching a poor beleaguered Annie Duke (poker champ) attempting to convince a Deal or No Deal model to help make cupcakes.  It was painful.  Yes, the show is only minimally about business skills and is generally more of a contest about who knows more rich people who can give big donations, but whenever some level of business sense (or simple human logic) is required, it's like a battle of the brainless.

Oh, the other incredibly painful thing?  Watching Donald Trump shamelessly suck up to his sports heroes.  Lord, I loathe that man.