 Once upon a time (actually a few years ago), I was trying to convince my much younger sister that Michael Jackson was once very big and very cool--cooler than Justin Timberlake. (Which will give you an idea of both the time period that this conversation took place and my sister's taste in pop idols.) In addition, I explained that no one thought that Jackson was creepy at all--or anything more than mildly eccentric. Needless to say, she didn't believe me at all. I don't know if she thought I was exaggerating or trying to pull one over on her, but faced with the monumental freakishness of the current Jackson incarnation, she wasn't buying. In vain did I point out how cool "Billy Jean" is--she could admit that it was a classic song (depressing that a song I remember being released could be considered "classic" by my own sibling), but there was just no way that Michael Jackson was ever anything other than weird as hell.
The whole conversation made me feel about a thousand years old. I wanted to end it with a diatribe about LPs and dot matrix printers and round it all off with an, "and we liked it that way."
So to ensure that my sister will never, ever believe me, Julien's Auctions has released the catalog of items being auctioned off by Jackson this spring. Yup, things like the infamous sequined glove, the gates of Neverland (perfect for the Jackson fan in total denial), and a hand carved wooden swing for two (I'm sure that children just love it). And there's some art too--like the painting above with such cultural luminaries as E.T. and George Washington in Jackson-style shades and gloves. What a tasteful and understated piece for the art lover in your life. And as it's expected to go for about $2000, it's a bargain for such a great conversation starter. Or you could always go for Johnny Depp's scissor gloves from Edward Scissorhands instead (about $6000). I'm sure that plenty of women would love to hear all about your razor gloves. From a safe distance, at least. E! actually has a slideshow here of some of the other items up for sale.
Apparently, Jackson is selling off about 2000 of his personal items to raise some cash. I guess he's not too big to fail. I can't believe he didn't get a bail-out. His lobbyists must suck.
Well, it lacks the pure pissiness of the Christian Bale rant, but the tearful whininess is something to behold. Apparently, Michael Cera had his own flip-out on the set of Youth in Revolt--and this time we get video too. This prompted a few questions for me:
1.) Why do these celebrity flip-outs always focus heavily on calling members of the crew "amateur"? Maybe I'm missing something because I don't work on movies, but this strikes me as an exceptionally lame insult, akin to telling me my hair is frizzy or something. Evidently, calling a camerman or director or whatever, "amateur," is ten times worse than telling him to participate in sexually explicit acts with livestock. From an entertainment perspective, this is disappointing.
2.) I wish I had a job where I could go off on pissy little tirades at my coworkers and everyone would fall over themselves to get me calmed down and happy again. How awesome would that be? Out here in the real world, expletive-laden tirades at people you work with don't tend to result in a spate of ass-kissing.
I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here, Christian Bale-wise, but this was too good not to post. Evidently, James Lipton (of The Actor's Studio) did a visual recreation of the infamous Christian Bale rant on Conan:
And this is why I love technology/America/the interenet/etc. Someone has taken the infamous Christian Bale rant of pure pissiness (see below for details) and remixed it into a techno version. And to top it all off, it's actually pretty good. Enjoy.
 If you play the audio clip above, you'll hear Christian Bale (best known for playing Batman in the Dark Knight series) going off on the Director of Photography on his latest movie for the heinous crime of walking on to the set. Frankly, it's not all that surprising to learn that Bale is a bit of a dickhead. He was way too good a fit for the yuppie killer in American Psycho for me, and I don't particularly warm up to him as Batman either. (Good movie, but don't expect me to feel a bunch of warm fuzzies for a Bruce Wayne who spits out every line like a WASP princeling with a broom up his ass. Though I did think that was on purpose.) Heck, just trying to find a picture of him in a Google image search where he isn't giving the camera his best Blue Steel look is a challenge.
Even more disturbing than the revelation that Bale is a jackass to his coworkers is the fact that this occurred during filiming for Terminator Salvation, which fits God-knows-where in the ragged patchwork of the Terminator timeline and is directed by McG. Apparently Bale is playing John Conner during the "working his way up to the savior of mankind" period. Considering how truly wretched the last Terminator movie was, I was hoping that we could be done with this, but I suppose as long as their is a penny to wring out of the franchise, we're going to be dealing with theses sequels. Incidentally, Helena Bonham Carter is playing the lead villain in the movie. Yes, cower in fear humans. Lucy Honeychurch is planning your demise.
I know that they're not particularly important or (arguably) even all that good, but I think that someone needs to document this anyway.
The Killers are not a British band. They're from Las Vegas. Their front man is from Henderson, Nevada.
So why the hell do they sound British? I know I'm not the only one who has been confused by this, having discussed it with friends and family who were also suprised and slightly irritated when it was revealed that they weren't British. I've tried listening carefully to some of the songs when they come on the radio, and while there's not an obvious accent, the lead singer definitely does something funky with his vowel sounds (especially the "o"s and the "a"s) that's causing the confusion. (Oh, and there's also the fact that most of their songs sound like background music from Trainspotting.)
Anyway, between The Killers and Madonna, I'm a little concerned about the proliferation of pseudo-Brit accents among American musicians. You know, if we were all paranoid about our national identity (like France), then we could probably come up with some kind of fine or prison term or such for this kind of thing. Which, considering that it would primarily affect Madonna, is really not as bad as it sounds.
I can't remember when--though I think it was sometime last week--but I was in line at the supermarket when I noticed that Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of Vogue (in a long dress, of course, as is the standard for articles about emotional upheaval and "personal strength") with some line about how what Angelina did was "uncool." I have a few thoughts on this:
1.) "Uncool"?? This is your penetrating insight? Granted, I'm not really on the Aniston side of this ancient love triangle, but I can say that if my husband left me for another woman, promptly knocked her up, and has proceeded to adopt more kids with her, have twins, and suck up the media spotlight as the global parent of the millennium with her . . . well, I would have stronger words about it than calling it "uncool."
2.) Actually, from a technical standpoint, I think that stealing Brad Pitt away from his wife and having his baby (multiple times) while living in a mansion in France may be the absolute definition of cool.
3.) Are we still on this tired story? (This is actually my main point.) It was annoying enough when the whole Brangelina thing was constantly all over the news. I actually saw an O'Reilly clip about it, for God's sake. But why do people assume that we all feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston? I don't know her. I don't particularly care that Brad Pitt left her. Heck, if I was a guy, I'd leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie in a heartbeat. (Besides the looks thing, Jennifer Aniston seems insanely high maintenance.) And yet, here she is, being the poor injured good girl all over the place and trying to convince us that she's really found love with John Mayer. That's such a downgrade that it's not even worthy of comment. I think that this may actually be the second Vogue interview she's done about being strong and getting over it and such. Sheesh, enough already, woman.
Of all the unexpected news leads, this one made my morning in a "unsympathetic mocking of celebrities" kind of way:
"Boy George is facing jail after being convicted today of handcuffing a male escort to his bed and beating him with a metal chain as he tried to flee after a naked photo shoot. "
To answer the obvious questions--the male escort was "Norwegian Audun Carlsen"; Boy George chained him up because he suspected that Carlsen had hacked his computer and just wanted to check it out; the going rate for a Boy George "escort" is about £400; and yes, Audun managed to use the handcuffs as a tool to unscrew the hook he was tethered to and ran out into the street, pursued by Boy George, who was trying to hit him with a chain.
This raises a few important questions for me. First, what the hell was "Karma Chameleon" about? That song made no sense, and having the video on a riverboat just made it more confusing. Second, why is it necessary to mention that the male escort is Norwegian? Are the British just sick and tired of these Norwegian escorts coming into Britain and stealing jobs from local male escorts? And finally, I understand that the paper identifies him as "Boy George" so that we know who they're talking about, but still . . . considering the whole beating-the-chained-male-escort-thing, I think we can definitely say that Boy George is all growed up now. Can we please call him something else?
I won't touch Gator6C's assertion that women aren't good judges of the relative hotness of other women, except to note that men aren't all that great at determining male sexual attractiveness either. Generally, they get too caught up in how tough or cool someone is and are mostly oblivious to other attributes.
Anyway, I get too fickle and distracted to have an official Top 5 Hottest Celebrities list, but off the top of my head, I think it would have to include:
Daniel Craig's James Bond. Very specific here. Daniel Craig is super, super hot as James Bond. On the other hand, his hotness was greatly diminished in some of his other movies. So as long as we're talking James Bond, he's a strong contender for the #1 spot.
Josh Holloway (Sawyer from Lost). Jack lovers are deluded. Sawyer has the bad-boy-with-a-heart thing going and great hair.
Brad Pitt. Totally cliche, and he's sunk a few spots due to his annoying tendency to believe that people care about his opinion on world affairs, but still ridiculously good looking.
Patrick Rafter. A retired tennis player. Trust me. Just do a Google Image Search.
Hmmm. I'll have to give some thought to who deserves that other spot. I used to give it to Owen Wilson, just because he was the only guy that me and 3 friends could all agree was attractive. But I'm not sure that he could still win that vote. And for awhile, it was Oscar De La Hoya, but he was married to that bimbo who married Travis Barker and did that reality show, and that really sunk his stock with me.
First, let me point out one fact: Women usually don't have a clue about which women are actually hot.
With that said, I totally agree that Fergie has a butter face, (without makeup you would be scared). In addition, her songs are retarded.
My top Five (in no particular order) and the reasons they make the list:
Cindy Crawford - Umm . . . pretty obvious. She's a supermodel and smart.
Salma Hayek - Best Cans in the Universe. Period.
Rihanna - Best looking black girl (replacing Halle Berry). Hot without the batshit crazy
Heidi Klum - German, hot, sexy--she is the Porsche of chicks
Jenna Jameson - Before she got sickly skinny and started looking like an AIDS victim. (After all, you have to have one super-slut on the list.)
Honorable Mention: Alyssa Milano - I had a super crush on her when I was a kid. She's the number one reason why I liked Charmed--right up to the point when she butchered her hair.
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