Ok, it's not exactly Tupac vs. Biggie. Or even Paris vs. Nicole. But it seems that Nick Cannon has decided to take on Eminem. Cannon, who is known primarily for a lame "Who's Line" rip-off for MTV and for being the only man on earth able to withstand the essay in high-maintenance that is Mariah Carey, attempted to rip on Eminem in his blog--evidently for mentioning Nick and Mariah in his latest song. Anyway, Mr. Carey was piiissssed. Though, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to get any funnier when he's angry. Some highlights:
"Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from 8 years ago! He even describes his desperate lameness in this bad excuse for storytelling track. That’s some real middle school shit right there! (What type of grown ass man lies about getting with a chick) Only Slim Lamey! LOL!"
*Prue's note: Yes, I am sorry to report that Nick Cannon actually LOL'd. We are not yet certain whether he ROFLMAO'd, but are concerned that it is indeed possible. I don't even want to talk about the "Slim Lamey" crack. I seriously cannot believe that this guy is paid actual money for being "funny." Anyway, back to the quotes . . .
"Then I asked myself should I go find this Bitch and just whoop his little ass? But that might have just been the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. Even though most people don’t know that I’m nice in the ring and have been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years that would just be childish and silly of me to bully this dude. He clearly has been picked on all his life and I would hate to add to his deep-rooted pain"
*Prue again: I'm not sure what to say about the need to point out what a great boxer, kung fu master, and all around badass you are in your blog. I would expand, but I'm late for my ninja classes. Have I mentioned that I know 100 ways to kill a man using only a paper clip?
"You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake. Don’t you know that the black woman is the foundation and the strongest force in our culture? Take notes homey, Elvis would have never disrespected Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross. You were supposed to just do your little song and dance, make your little racist money and call it a day. But no, you had to dishonor the black man’s most precious counterpart."
*Another note from Prue: This is the end of a long rant about how racist Eminem is in general, and more specifically because he attacked Mariah. Frankly, I'm a little surprised that someone as racist as Eminem allegedly is (according to Cannon) gets along so well with people like 50 Cent and Dr. Dre. Eminem . . . the most incompetent racist ever. (Interestingly, most of the racism I see here seems to be aimed at Eminem here rather than coming from him. Methinks Mr. Cannon might be projecting a bit.)
"I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch!"
*Last comment from Prue: I confess to being a little confused here. For awhile it seemed like Cannon was threatening to beat Eminem up, which seemed a bit unwise to me. (See earlier comment about Dre and 50 Cent.) But now it seems like he's threatening him with rap. Ooooooo-kay then. So now, all I can figure is that Cannon was planning to do a rap album all along (only one guess on who is going to sing on it) and decided that the only way to get people to buy it--or even care--was some dumb trumped-up feud with Eminem. God, that's so lame it makes me want to LOL and LMAO. Though if it works, I'll be starting my own feud with Eminem shortly. Look for my new album in stores next month.
**Note: I've been told that Mr. Cannon has since apologized and claimed that his blog was hacked--evidently by the much-feared Rambling, Long-winded, and Incoherent Hacker of Doom. Right. Were he to say that he accidentally drunk-posted, I would find the whole thing a bit more credible. Anyway, whatever the excuse, it's still all very funny to me, so I'm not changing anything.
Generally, I'm not one to make light of celebrity fights. Ok, that's not particularly true. I would definitely make light of them. But I'm not one to defend the apparent aggressor. Still, with almost no information available and everything coming down to pure speculation, I'm going to take Kiefer Sutherland's side on the little scuffle between him and Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at and afterparty for the Costume Institute Gala. The gossip says that Kiefer was somehow defending Brooke Shields--though her representatives say that McCollough didn't do anything inappropriate and they don't know why Sutherlands headbutted the designer. But based on my scientific parsing of that teeny bit of information, I say that the headbutting was justified because:
1.) Look at McCollough. I want to headbut him right now just looking at his picture. I bet he's the kind of guy who sits there and makes bitchy little comments while everyone laughs, safe in the knowledge that no one will do anything about it; and
2.) I just like a good headbutting. People don't often take advantage of the tactical advantages of the headbutt, and it looks cool as hell if pulled off correctly.
Of course, given that I just wrote that, it will probably come out that McCollough spends his spare time bottle-feeding homeless puppies and Sutherland attacked him for getting to the valet first. But I say, why let total ignorance keep you from opining on something? It certainly doesn't stop celebrities from telling us how we should vote or what we should drive.
For the longest time, I had the immense satisfaction of being smug about the fact that (unlike the notorious soccer riots of Europe) fans at American sporting events didn't tend to riot, rush the field, cause injury and destruction of property, etc., etc. Unfortunately, that was before the era of big, dumb riots. Now, I don't get to feel smug at all. I just get to shake my head in disbelief while watching a bunch of drunk college kids jump on cars because their team just won the championship. I don't really get the need to riot under any circumstances, but for winning? Can't you just get a t-shirt that says, "I'm a Drunk Asshole Who Likes Destroying Stuff for No Reason"?
I'm runnning out of stuff to be smug about. Though I do derive a small sliver of satisfaction at the fact that we don't have neo-Nazis leading racist taunts at our soccer games. Yet another reason to be glad that pro soccer hasn't taken hold in the US.
Anyway, if you like a good basketball brawl (and who doesn't?), you can always check out the latest inglorious addition to the Stupid Overreaction Hall of Fame--this brawl that broke out yesterday at a Alabama high school basketball tournament. Apparently, the fight broke out after a hard foul (though the newspapers say that it hadn't been a particularly rough or chippy game at that point). And it ends with various people rushing the court to jump into the melee. Apparently, about 11 players ended up getting arrested and the schools are still sorting out what is going to happen to all of the players and students involved.
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