American Idol (Season 8)
No matter how much you may be enjoying the show, there are certain questions that get raised over the course of a season. Here are our issues (so far) with this season of American Idol.
Finale Results Show (5/20/09)
--Two hours. Two friggin' hours. Who can sit and watch endless album and tour promos masquerading as a concert for two whole hours? And that's without adding the fun of frequent commercial breaks and all of the eliminated contestants--most of whom seem to be on a mission to remind you that there was a very good reason why they were eliminated in the first place. And then, they couldn't even cram the whole thing into the 2-hour time slot. They actually went over. Think about that for a second. You have a show, the entire purpose of which is to say this sentence, "The winner of American Idol is ____." That takes about 10 seconds. Less, even. And yet, they couldn't manage to fit that sentence into the alotted two hours they set aside to make that announcement.
--Well, I think that Steve Martin is officially the most bizarre musical guest ever on American Idol. And playing the banjo too. It was all very surreal. One almost wonders whether Mr. Martin lost a bet of some kind. ("Ok, Steve. But if I do finish the whole quart of grasshoppers, then you have to play the banjo on American Idol, accompanied by two of the season's worst performers, who will be doing a weird country duet full of sexual innuendo.")
--I, for one, am just happy that Rod Stewart didn't break a hip while gyrating awkwardly around the stage. Oh, and way to hang on to a look, Rod. I think I can safely say that no one thinks you're sexy anymore.
--Congratulations Kris! Color me shocked. Not necessarily that Kris pulled out the win--more that Kara didn't start weeping and tearing her hair out in the middle of the announcement. I suppose it's possible that Kris will make a successful recording career out of his Idol win. It's pretty obvious that female winners tend to do a lot better than the guys, and that first single he has to release doesn't help matters at all. I know I mentioned this yesterday, but I just have to reiterate--that is one craptastic song. It makes me want to climb mountains and brave hurricanes to avoid listening to it. I would feel sorrier for Adam, except for the fact that he got to escape the punishment of being associated with it. (As for Adam's post-Idol career, I'm sure he'll do fine. He can either follow the path blazed by Clay Aiken, or go star in Twilight, the Musical.)
Finals (5/19/09)
--While it's certainly too early to anoint a winner (not that certain judges, guests, etc. haven't tried their damnedest to do so), I think that we can pinpoint a loser for the season--Kara. I have been annoyed at a wide variety of people over the course of this season of American Idol--Adam, Danny, Danny, and Danny come to mind. But the person who has really grown more and more irritating right up to the final, where she was like a beacon of brainless inanity, was Kara. What the hell is the point of her? Couldn't we just get a tape recorder to play Randy's remarks twice? Then we'd still have all the advantages of being redundant and running out of time, but without the pointless arguments with Simon or Paula. And then there was that song that she co-wrote for the winner. Why yes, it mentioned mountains. A lot. Why do you ask? Were you expecting something creative?
--I've been a little hard on Adam this season, so I want to make it clear that I'm sure he's a very nice guy, and it's not at all personal. It's just that I hate emo. And Twilight. And guyliner. And nail polish on men. And over-the-top screechy singing. So I'm just really not in his demographic.
--I thought Adam was really over-the-top moody and dramatic with the first song (a repeat rendition of his "Mad World" performance), but unlike the judges, I thought it only went downhill from there. For both of them, really. Kris did a very nice job on "Ain't No Sunshine," but after this point, they were'nt able to pick their own songs. Cue the odd and unfortunate song choices.
--I understand that, this being American Idol, the judges don't necessarily see it as a bad thing when you over-emote and yell your way through the song's crescendo. Me, I found it a little squirmy and uncomfortable--like when you're watching TV with someone and he starts to get all emotional during a random innocuous commercial for Kleenex and you sit there and wonder whether maybe you should leave, but at the same time don't want to draw attention to yourself. Also, for one moment, I kind of thought he was Liza Minelli. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. As for Kris' second song, what on earth made them pick "What's Going On"? That song is inextricably tied to movie montages about '60s protests. How exactly is Kris supposed to make it seem real and current? He's a white boy from Arkansas singing on American Idol. I don't really get, "I'm deeply concerned about racial, political, and social unrest," out of him.
--That last song (let's not forget that it was co-written by Kara) was so very, very bad. It may well be the worst original final AI song of all time, and we're not talking about a group of pop classics here. I generally feel sorry for the contestants when it comes to this last original song, since what they have to sing is generally stupid and lame. But this was amazingly bad. Bombastic, trite, sentimental crap. The only good thing about it was that it had my inner thirteen year-old giggling with the line about, "getting higher and going deeper," or something like that. When you reflect upon the fact that the winner of AI is going to have to release this ode to suckitude as his first single, you have to wonder whether it might be better to come in second.
Elimination Show (5/13/09)
--Hooray! Hurrah!! Woo-hoo!!! Danny Hokey is gone! No more cheap, manipulative life story profiles. No more shlockey songs dripping in sentimentality. No more ridiculous judges' bias--oh, wait. Er, scratch that one. No more ridiculous judges bias for Danny anyway.
--So, as you can tell, I was very happy when we learned that Kris was safe and either Adam or Danny was going to go. It was like a win-win. Though, to be fair, I can understand why Adam has such a following--I don't care for his musical style (jazz hands!) and the relentless pushing for him drives me crazy, but at least it kind of makes sense that he's popular. I never understood Gokey's appeal at all.
--Speaking of ridiculous bias, how annoying is it that Katy Perry wore a little cape-thing with Adam's name emblazoned on it during her performance? The guy was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly last week. The judges' criticism of his performances is more like a collective orgasm than an actual critique. And Simon actually just out and told people to vote for him this week. Could we give it a rest already?
--God, I loved the moment when Danny was eliminated in and Kara looked stunned and spat out something like, "Oh My God!" For a moment, it was almost like this was a legitimate competition based on actual votes rather than a carefully orchestarted popularity contest.
--It is amazing how much filler they can manage to cram into a one-hour TV show, isn't it? And none of it interesting enough to remember 15 minutes later too. Anyone else feel a little odd about seeing Jordin Sparks half-wailing and half-singing about love and a "battlefield." I really think that as a culture, we only need one pop song that uses both words together like that, and not only was Pat Benatar way ahead of her, but Jordin seems a little too young to have had really battle-like love affairs.
Top 3 (5/12/09)
--So it's judges' choice night, and yet we, the audience, don't get the choice to beat Kara with a club. And they call this a democracy.
--I've heard rumors that Danny aspires to be a Christian rock singer--and I confess that it makes a lot of sense. He's has an average voice, is overly sentimental in his delivery, not particularly creative, and exudes goody two-shoe-ness from every pore. I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier. As for his songs tonight, they were classic Gokey in that they were emotional and totally unmemorable--and yet still got a pile of praise from the judges. He actually did "You Are So Beautiful." Somewhere, a lonely woman with 9 cats is still tearing-up over that.
--It continues to be surreal to me to listen to the judges appraise Adam's performances. He butchered U2's "One" and got a tongue bath for it. He screeched his way through Aerosmith's "Cryin'" and they acted like he was the second coming of Steven Tyler. My big problem with Adam (other than the ridiculous bias for him and Danny) is that he always starts off pretty cool and I start to think, "Hey, this might be really good--why was I so down on him again?" And then, about half-way through, it's like he turns into Annie Lennox. In her turban-wearing phase. And then I remember why I don't care for his style. Though I guess in a battle of annoyance, I would still take him over Gokey.
--You've gotta feel bad for Kris. Does the poor bastard even stand a chance? Not based on talent, by the way--I'm not sure exactly what this show is about. Not talent necessarily. And not even commercial viability. (Ahem . . . Taylor Hicks.) But it was BS that the judges gave him "Apologize" by One Republic and then criticized him for performing it the way it was written. (At least Simon called Kara and Randy out on that.) I am kind of hoping that Kris' rendition of "Heartless" manages to save him from elimination though. It bordered on interesting and was definitely one of the cooler things that anyone has done this season. Besides, wouldn't it be great if "America" managed to frustrate all the bias and manipulation that have gone into orchestrating the Gokey v. Adam finale and stick Kris in there? Honestly, it almost makes me want to call in and vote.
Elimination Show (5/6/09)
--So we finally get to see Paula "perform"--in the sense that half-hearted lip-synching counts as performing. I suppose that we are supposed to be grateful for the opportunity to see her dance, and the reinvention of Ms. Abdul as a Dance Music Diva of sorts is part of all the treat. Yawn. And I'd also like to call for a temporary moratorium on the whole coming-down-the-stairs-while-being-fawned-over-by-men-in-suits thing. Not only is it cliche, but it makes me think of Madonna, which I like to avoid whenever possible.
--Was the secret theme this week "rock time warp"? Not only do we get the Paula Abdul show, but also No Doubt singing "Just a Girl." Yep, American Idol. Modern and relevant as always.
--Why do we introduce Daughtry with a recap of his elimination? Was it to remind us of how stupid AI voters can be? (Not that I'm a huge Daughtry fan, but since he's been one of the more successful Idol contestants, it does indicate that maybe there isn't much of a connection between winning AI and being commercially viable.)
--For a brief and wonderful second, I thought Adam and Danny might both end up in the bottom two. And I was very happy. When Adam was pronounced safe (not all that surprising, given the bias and the fact that he wasn't all that bad last night), I still had hope. There was no way that any amount of bias and manipulation could save Danny from the eardrum assault that was his rendition of "Dream On." And yet, America sent poor, comparatively inoffensive Allison home and saved Douchebag McGee. I would say that this is the moment that I lost faith in the taste of the American people, but there are dozens of pre-existing reasons why I have no faith in the taste of the American people. Starting with High School Musical. And Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And Zima.
Top 4 (5/5/09)
--Apparently the stage decor has had enough of all the crap covers and ridiculous Adam/Gokey bias and tried to end it all. The poor stage. I think it's bad enough to be watching at home with my mute button at the ready. The stage has to sit there at Ground Zero for prancing and falsetto wailing.
--Slash is the mentor tonight. That is very confusing to me because a.) Slash doesn't sing; b.) By any reasonable measurement, Slash is way too cool for American Idol--even when he's pimping an album; and c.) What's he going to do? Coach the contestants about how to have emotional blow-ups with the lead guitarist and break up the band? And even if this is all just PR for him, are there really that many Slash fans among AI devotees?
--Adam is not a rock god. What the fucking fuck in fuck? Bulletin for Kara: wearing a black leather jacket does not qualify you to determine relative rockingness. He wasn't totally wretched or anything--he just turned in a very weak tea cover of Zeppelin, thus proving he would be perfectly comfortable in any C-grade bar band in the world.
--The throaty-voiced girl does Janis Joplin. How stunningly original. And when the judges didn't like it for reasons related to her not being Danny or Adam, what did they tell her she should have sung? Yeah, another Joplin song. Poor Allison. It seems the judges would have loved you if only you sang something incredibly similar to what you just sang. What bad luck.
--Kris didn't make my ears bleed or send me scrambling for the remote. I guess that ought to count for something.
--Danny Gokey. You know, I'm a little disappointed that he didn't do "Last Kiss" or maybe "Teen Angel" or "Dead Man's Curve." Talk about a missed opportunity. He did, however, take the opportunity to turn in a physically painful rendition of "Dream On" that left dogs throughout the greater LA area yowling in unison. And after that truly wretched, easily worst-of-the-evening performance, what do the judges say? That he gets an "A" for effort. Seriously, it's like they have no shame at all.
--I would like to believe that the contestants are all completely high when it comes to song choice time--especially for the duets. Because I'm not sure that there is any reason (other than heavy drug use) that can rationally explain the decision to do Foghat and Styxx as duets this evening. I suspect that everyone chose their songs this week via a Time-Life CD compilation, and the duet choices really back that up. (Turn it up! It's "Freedom Rock.")
Elimination Show (4/29/09)
--So Adam finally fell into the bottom two. Interesting. I thought I was more or less the only one on the planet who couldn't stand him. So I'm either in good company, or it's just a producer's plot to stir up voting and sympathy for Adam so that people will remember to vote for him next week.
--How kind of them to bring on Taylor Hicks to remind us that, as dull and pointless as this season may seem, it could be worse. I don't know how Hicks managed to win AI, but I suspect it has something to do with his incredible ability to send listeners into a coma. Clearly, his fans were the only ones still awake to call in after the show.
--So Jamie Foxx is impressed with this group because they all told him that they would rather be "artists" than "singers." Congratulations to them for knowing the correct answer to a stupidly obvious question. And congratulations to Jamie Foxx for pretending that there is artistry in doing endless cover renditions of tired and overplayed songs week after week.
--Speaking of Jamie Foxx, watching him perform his song tonight was very revealing. Even if I can't really remember how it went because all I could hear was, "My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the tiiii-iiime," in the back of my head during his performance. It doesn make it very clear why Mr. Foxx felt the need to publicly abase himself before the Temple of Hannah Montana. He's clearly not looking for street cred so much as the admiration of dumb teen girls. And you don't become a heartthrob by being mean to Miley.
--And so it's goodbye to Matt, which is a shame on two levels. First, I liked him and could actually imagine him being commercially successful. And second, he finally realized that he should wear a hat every week so that viewers aren't distracted by his forehead mole during his performance. (If you didn't watch him and think, "mole-y, mole-y, mole-y," at least once, then you're a damned liar.)
Top 5 (4/28/09)
--It's almost beautiful in its irony. The judges never stop harping on the contestants for being too old-fashioned, not modern or fresh enough, or (gasp!) too karaoke in their performances. And then they give us disco for last week's theme and the Rat Pack for this week. The Rat Pack. I have nothing against them--I like that kind of stuff. But it's as thought they sat and tried to figure out what could be less current than disco, ruled out a "Songs of WWI" night, and came up with the Rat Pack.
--And by the way, is there anything on earth more karaoke than someone trying to sing a Frank Sinatra standard? I suppose we should just be grateful that no one did "My Way."
--And because the theme is the Rat Pack, it's pretty obvious that the perfect mentor would be Jamie Foxx, whose movies Ray and Dreamgirls . . . . er . . . have absolutely nothing to do with the Rat Pack at all. But he does have a new movie to pimp. Which also has nothing to do with the Rat Pack. Way to go, AI producers!
--Kris and Allison, both of whom are starting to grow on me, did pretty well tonight. So don't let anybody say I'm never positive about the contestants.
--I'm kind of surprised that Matt didn't use the piano this week. I'm not sure I understand a strategy that considers the piano indispensible for a third-rate Bryan Adams song, but doesn't bother for shmoovie cocktail lounge night. Isn't this the essence of dueling piano material?
--Yes, I still hate Danny Gokey. Yes, the judges continue to wildly overpraise his performance. And yes, it still drives me crazy that "sincerity" somehow compensates for his "lack of singing ability."
--If anyone is still in denial that, as the judges' favorite, Adam gets preferential treatment, I must point you to tonight's Exhibit A. He started his performance by walking down a new set of lighted stairs that came out of the stage. Since when has any other contestant had anything like his production level? Lighted friggin' stairs. I'm sure the preteen girls loved it, but his whole performance just made me think, "jazz hands!"
Elimination Show (4/22/09)
--And thus, the disco nightmare continues. I feel pretty confident in saying that this was the lamest and most culturally irrelevent theme ever on American Idol. Sure, there are some good disco songs. But American Idol isn't where I go for good songs. Otherwise, I'd spend most of my time disappointed.
--Wow, Lil didn't get to spend a lot of time pondering her fate, did she? It wasn't a surprise to see her go--no one this season has been able to buck the judges' disapproval for long, and the judges have made it pretty clear that they have no use for Lil and her inability to sing whatever magical song will instantly define her and help her realize her full potential as a contestant and a human being.
--Tonght's group sing was super-lip-synch-ish, but I'll actually cut them a break this time, since they were doing some spastic choreographed movements that vaguely resembled an actual dance routine. Interesting that they finally used Paula for something she's actually talented at--I mean other than incoherent rambling. Though it would have been much more awesome if the contestants had all done the "Cold Hearted Snake" routine instead. You know that Adam would turn that out.
--In case you had forgotten that disco is dead, they apparently resurrected KC and the Sunshine Band for the most uncomfortable rendition ever of "Do a Little Dance." It's hard to watch KC sing about getting down tonight while being acutely aware that said "getting down" would require a metric ton of Viagra.
--So David Archuletta is still creepy and off-putting in a Stepford sort of way. Good to know. Watching him was a nice little reminder of why David Cook actually deserved to win last season.
--Sorry to see Anoop go too, though it was pretty obvious that it was going to be him. I still think that he was better than he ever got credit for, but I guess that until there's another Indian R&B star for the judges to reference, they'll never really see any potential in a guy like Anoop.
Top 7--Again (4/21/09)
--Call it the Daughtry effect. Or maybe the David Cook effect. The essence of it is that, perhaps due to the boredom of watching cover song after cover song, season after season, the judges are simply desperate for someone to do something different. Of course, since the contestants have to do cover songs, this means mucking around with the arrangement in the quixotic quest to make someone else's hit "their own." And because there are only a few performers whose personal styles, abilities, or taste lend themselves to the task, they are the ones that the judges drool over, regardless of how good the song reinterpretation actually is. (And definitely putting aside how truly original it may be.)
--The down side of this endless quest to reinvent songs is that singers who don't have an obvious or easily mutated style end up being accused of having a personality crisis (or a lack thereof). Take poor Lil. I didn't love her performance this week, but I am sick of hearing the judges accuse her of not know who she is. Maybe its just that performing well in an R&B style is not as dramatic as changing a song to emo or lone-guy-with-a-guitar. Honestly, I thought that this was supposed to be a singing contest, not an "impress the judges with a new song arrangement" contest.
--Regardless, I thought that Kris was pretty good with his reinterpretation of "She Works Hard for the Money." Of course, I'm generally in favor of anything that strips the disco sound out of a song, but his was probably the most original take of the evening, and I like that his "style" is actually a musical one, rather than an emotional one like Adam's.
--Granted, Adam was also original, and he has a decent voice. But I don't know that performing "If I Can't Have You" with all the passion of someone whose boyfriend dumped him the night before the prom counts as a musical decision as much as a performance one. (In other words, I think he can put on a show, but I'm not as wowed by his musical chops.)
--I remain thoroughly annoyed by the completely warrantless ass-kissing that Danny Gokey receives each week. When will he be unmasked as the thoroughly mediocre singer and cheesy performer that he is?
--It's not looking good for Matt or Anoop this week. I suppose one of them might catch a break if Lil goes down instead, but the judges couldn't be less on their side if they were KKK members with leprosy.
Elimination Show (4/15/09)
--I actually had a bet going with Gator that the judges would use the save in its last available week, whereas Gator insisted that they would use it in the second-to-last available week. So Gator wins. Of course, they had to use it eventually, otherwise the much-hyped "twist" to this season would be a letdown. There's really no point in having the option if they don't ever save someone. It's a nice acknowledgement that the voting system is flawed and arbitrary. Not to mention that not using the save makes the lame argument at the end of every elimination show even more stupid and pointless.
--I am happy, however, that they saved Matt. I strongly disapprove of his decision to cover Bryan Adams last night, but I usually like him. And I think that he's probably the most commercially viable contestant remaining. I know that the judges love Adam, but I don't really see where Adam belongs in the commercial music world. Last I checked, The Cure doesn't need a new lead singer.
--The group sing this week was "Maniac" from Flashdance. I'm beginning to wonder whether they pick the group songs via the dart throwing method, or whether they go with a more sophisticated method, like letting a rooster peck out something at random from the jukebox at a Milwaukee Dennys.
--Miley Cyrus. Apparently, I have offended God in some way and he has punished me with Miley Cyrus. I couldn't actually listen to her sing the whole song because my eardrums started bleeding profusely 23 seconds in. But I will say that she wasn't dressed particularly whorish tonight, so that's good.
--Next week's theme will be disco. Who says that Idol doesn't stay fresh, hip, and relevent?
Top 7 (4/14/09)
--Why do we, the viewers, continue to get punished for the decision to bring an extra dimwit judge onto the show? Really, what does Kara bring to the party? We already have an incoherent chick who loves everyone. And we already have a moderate guy who does a terrible job of explaining his issues with a performance. Why do we need someone who can combine these traits? And now, because the judges' ramblings caused the show to go over its time slot last week, we only get to hear two judges at a time. Apparently, the producers believe that we care about opinions other than Simon's.
--At first, I thought the theme was going to be Quentin Tarantino movies. And despite the potential for seven different versions of "Let's Stay Together," I was a little excited about that. Then it turned out that the theme was, "Bombastic Pop Songs from Movies," which was somewhat disappointing. Why so much Bryan Adams? Why, God, why?
--Could the bias toward's Adam's performances be any more obvious? Everyone else gets a spotlight and maybe (if they're lucky) a graphic for the screen behind them. Adam gets a light show, a smoke machine, and friggin' fireworks. And for what? The prancingest version ever of "Born to be Wild."
--On the other hand, the bias for Danny Hokey is a little more subtle. While Adam gets a full pyrotechnic display, Danny gets the judges praising his emotion and courage for a thoroughly average rendition of "Endless Love." Had anyone else turned in the symphony in mediocrity that Danny gives us week after week, Simon would tear them apart. Danny just gets kudos for doing something so "personal."
--What? Friends listen to "Endless Love" in the dark.
--Poor Lil Rounds. I'm not her biggest fan--mostly because I'm full up on R&B divas. I don't really have room in my life for any more of them. But I liked what she did with "The Rose." It was interesting and original, she sang it well, and it had heart. And in return she gets yet another criticism for not doing Mary J. Blige. I usually like Simon and often agree with him, but the pigeonholing of certain contestants has gone way too far. Maybe Lil wants to be someone other than another Mary J.-meets-Mariah-and-Whitney clone. Good for her if she does. The mere fact of being a black woman doesn't mean that she isn't allowed to sing the hell out of a Bette Midler song.
--Incidentally, I think the stereotyping thing is one of the reasons that Simon hasn't really warmed up to Anoop. How are you going to categorize an Indian frat guy who likes R&B? That probably explains the extremely lame niche that Simon and Paula discovered for Anoop's good performance this week--apparently he's "the guy who sings pop songs with heart." Um, doesn't that descibe everyone on this damned show?
Elimination Show (4/8/09)
--I realize that the producers of American Idol clearly feel that anything worth saying is worth saying a dozen times--and preferably with long dramatic pauses and commercial breaks in between--but do we really need four judges? I'm long past the novelty of watching the quiet tension between Paula and Kara. Now, I just want to be spared hearing the same thing over and over and over. And over. You know why the guy in that Metallica song kept tapping out, "Kill me," constantly? Because he had a looping vision of the judges telling Adam what a genius he is one by one.
--I think it's total BS that Anoop was in the bottom 3 tonight. He was easily one of the best three performers last night, and one of the very few who chose a song that didn't make me want to vomit.
--Who is the evil genius who decided that we, as a country, were going to be punished with a group version of a Kylie Minogue song? What on earth about that song calls out to be performed by a large group of jittery twenty-somethings?
--Flo Rida is a very, very big man. Like linebacker big. NFL break-your-kneecaps linebacker big, not Division 3 academic scholarship linebacker big. So I have nothing but good things to say about him. He's like the Mozart of mainstream hip-hop.
--I just have to reiterate how much I can't stand Danny Gokey. He has an incredibly average voice, and all the background drama in the world isn't going to make him a better performer. To the best of my knowledge, there is no special Billboard chart for people who have experienced personal tragedy and therefore should get more sympathy sales.
--And speaking of sympathy, it seems as though Scott has finally exhausted his own sympathy quotent with one of the most painful renditions of a Survivor song ever performed. Which is saying something. I guess that's what he gets for stepping out of the Barry Manilow comfort zone. Oh, and memo to Paula: he's blind, not retarded. You don't have to speak slowly and repeatedly mention how special he is every time you talk to him.
Top 8 (airdate 4/7/09)
--Finally, we're back to one hour programming instead of the AI marathons that have dominated the last few weeks. I feel like I need to celebrate the fact that I am now only grossly wasting 2 hours of my life a week instead of 3.
--Allow me to sum up the judges' critiques tonight (and basically every night) in just a few words: "Song choice. Safe. Song choice. Who you really are. Song choice. Adam, you are my reason for living."
--I actually do have something to say about song choice, however, This week, the contestants were supposed to pick songs from their birth year--mainly the early to mid-'80s, though there was one '92 as well. There are plenty of good, interesting songs from that period. So it's mystifying to me that the majority of contestants picked songs that could go on a compilation album of Dentist Chair Favorites. Even the light rock stations avoid these songs--that's how lame they are.
--Speaking of lame song choices, Scott picked Survivor's "The Search Is Over," thereby cementing his status as the walking adult contemporary station. I've ridden in elevators with more relevent music selections. Not only that, but he sang it badly as well. If he absolutely had to do a goofy power ballad, why couldn't he have done "I Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon. If he'd have mimed throwing away the oars (forever), I would have started speed dialling for him.
--But when it comes to missed opportunities, it's hard to beat out Allison. No one can argue that 1992 wasn't an excellent year for music. Especially for an alleged "rocker" like Allison. So does she touch on the rising grunge and alternatives scenes? No. She picks Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me," a song intended for a 45 year-old woman with a cigarette-scarred throat, not a 16 year-old girl.
--Danny Hokey picked "Stand By Me" and sounded exactly like he does in every single performance. How he gets so much judge love when his voice is no better than anyone else (and arguably worse) is mystifying to me. Not to mention that I call shenanigans on picking "Stand By Me" for a 1980 birth. I don't care if someone covered it that year, it's a cheap pick. It's not like there aren't plenty of good songs from 1980 to choose, For God's sakes, Back In Black, London Calling, and Zenyatta Mondatta were released that year.
Elimination Show (airdate 4/1/09)
--You know what was really cool tonight? No, nothing on the show. Sheesh, this is American Idol we're talking about. No, I really enjoyed the on-set April Fools Day jokes with House and Hell's Kitchen. Heck, the House one, where the scene in front of the elevator is interrupted when the doors open and the USC marching band comes out even fooled me for a moment. Yes, I confess to thinking, "This is very strange, and there's no way that all those people could fit on a real elevator. Why did they add this scene?"
--As they continue to torment us with group numbers, I must ask why they can't at least pick a song that was meant to be sung by multiple people. Or at least why they refuse to pick a song that I despise. At least then I'd be spared the pain of watching the contestants massacre an old favorite.
--I'm not sure why Lady Gaga chose to wear a part of a zipper over one eye. From far away, the effect was kinda cool, but up close she looked like . . . someone with a piece of a zipper taped to her eye for no good reason. (I'm not sure that there is ever a good reason to tape a zipper to your eye, but if there is, I'm pretty sure that "stageshow for American Idol" isn't it.)
--I'm probably going to complain about this again next week. And the week after that. And on and on until we get to the point where only the judges favorites are left and there's no more need for contrived criticism. Still, the whole "song choice" refrain is so tired that I can't help myself. The way that the judges talk, you'd think there was some kind of magical song that each contestant could pick to create the perfect performance. If this is true, why don't the judges tell them each what song to sing so that we could see everyone perform at his or her alleged best and put the whole song choice debate to bed already? Of course, the song choice issue is just a red herring-- a way for the judges to criticize the performance without seeming harsh or mean and providing the false hope that somehow, if a contestant-on-the-brink could just luck into the "right" song, he/she could win it all. Yeah, it has nothing to do with their singing or audience appeal--it's all just the song they choose. And the fact that the judges harrangued them mercilessly about it.
--And the worst part of all is that it's clear that the contestants often don't get to perform their first choice song. Or even second choice. I think Danny Gokey said that his Motown performance was something like his 4th or 5th pick. Enough already with the stupid and unhelpful song choice complaints, judges.
--I haven't been the biggest fan of Megan Joy, but I liked her spritely attitude about getting eliminated this week. She knew that she was a goner and that the judges would sooner enroll in AA than save her from elimination. So she brazened her way through the humiliation of it all with a smile, and we got to enjoy the irony of watching her American Idol journey wherein we got to see footage of everyone praising how fresh, trendy, and original she was while remembering the judges' tendency to rip her up for not singing Amy Winehouse songs.
--Incidentally, it was both low and cheap of Simon to pretend that Megan's comment about not caring that Simon didn't like her performance was a deciding factor in the determination not to use the judges' save. We all knew that they wouldn't use it because they've done nothing but bash her since this round began. What a ridiculous and bullying show of ego from Simon. What did he want her to say? "Simon's so right. I suck at this. Please vote me off?"
Top 9 (airdate 3/31/09)
--Have I ever mentioned about much I hate it when Paula dances during the performances? It's so irritating. (And surprisingly dull and repetitive for someone whose fame, however limited, sprung from her dancing ability. Come on, you know it wasn't her super-awesome voice.)
--So, this week was the, "choose a random song and find a way to jam it into a very loose theme," week. One of my favorites.
--Now this might just be me, but if I were a judge on a top-rated singing contest show, I would make more of an effort to be knowledgeable about music--and not just the trendy stuff. Granted, I haven't had any respect for the judges' musical knowledge ever since they questioned the use of an obscure, unheard-of group like 311 a couple of seasons ago. And the inability to recognize David Cook's blatant cover rip-offs didn't help. But, even with these very low expectations, I was still floored when they criticized Matt Giraud's choice of "You Found Me" by The Fray for not being, "commercially viable." Ahem. That is the same "You Found Me" that cracked the top 10 of the Billboard Top 100 way back in, um, 2009. And it's only March, for God's sakes. Why are we listening to these people again?
--I do not understand how anyone with two ears could praise Allison's rendition of "Don't Speak," a song done in breathy quiet by Gwen Stefani, which Allison apparently thought could only be improved by more warbly screaming. And why bring a guitar out if you're only going to play it for the first 10 seconds of the song? It tends to diminish your attempted "rocker" cred when you're not able to play the part of the song that's actually slightly rocking. However, I will say that the judges were spot-on with their critique of her clothing. I get that you love Gwen Stefani, Allison. And yes, she's got a cool and unique sense of style. But wearing an ugly prom dress with black leggings and randomly messy hair does not really capture the Gwen Stefani vibe.
--I've really had it with the judges. You know that they're not spending all of their time getting to know the contestants and swapping stories about summer camp. And yet somehow, the judges have appointed themselves the ultimate authority on everyone's personality. Thus, we have the bizarre spectacle of the addled and egotistic instructing poor, desperate reality contestants on how to be more like themselves. It's a wonder that they stand for it.
--And to make it worse, "being yourself" seems to be a stand-in for whatever stereotype that the judges have hammered the hapless contestant into. So Megan can only sing songs done by other singers who sing exactly like her. Though I'm sure they'd also like her to be "original" about it. And Lil should sing Mary J. Blige songs. And maybe Mariah Carey. But not Celine Dion. There's not really a huge musical leap between Celine Dion pop and Mariah pop. The main difference seems to be that Mariah, Mary J., and Lil are all black (or part black). In essence, the judges' primary message is: "Sing exactly the stuff that fits the stereotype we have of you, until we get bored of it and tell you to be 'original' and 'step out of your comfort zone.' Then, after you do that, we'll criticize your song choice and predict voter doom."
--I'm wondering if there's something wrong with my TV when it comes to Adam's performances. What I saw was a painful rendition of "Play That Funky Music," wherein Adam was only missing the feather boa, wig, and sequined bustier that would make it dragtastic. Newsflash: No matter what Adam or the judges claim, there is no way on God's green earth to make that song, "modern." Talk about a song that practically reeks of the '70s. I literally picture Huggy Bear everytime I hear it. Adam would have had more luck trying to modernize "On the Good Ship Lollipop." And yet, the judges drooled all over his performance like he was handing out free hookers and coke. According to the judges, this shot of pure '70s kitsch was "fresh" and "modern," and yet Lil Rounds was apparently reaching back into antiquity when she sang something by Celine Dion. Psst, guys--your bias is showing.
Elimination Show (airdate 3/26/09)
--So the big American Idol "controversy" of the moment is no longer about whether the show is fixed. (I suppose sacrificial lamb Alexis Grace quieted those rumors for now.) Instead, the scandal is that . . . wait for it . . . the group songs during the elimination show are lip synched. I know, I know. Totally shocking. It's like being told that the sky is blue or that Joe Francis has syphillis. What I want to know is this: if the group performances are pre-recorded and all the contestants are just lip synching, why do they still suck so bad?
--It's interesting to see Stevie Wonder perform, given that a good part of the season so far has revolved around Kara and Paula acting as though Scott MacIntyre deserves a Profile in Courage for performing while blind. The main difference being that Stevie doesn't need a sympathy vote to run laps around this group, musically speaking.
--I'm wondering whether the judges will even bother to save anyone if neither Lil nor Adam ends up eliminated before the Final 5. Because you can't convince me that they're interested in anyone else winning this thing. Thus (with the exception of Simon, who suffers from moments of clarity), anything Adam or Lil do is praised as though they just split the atom while curing AIDS, and all the other contestants are treated as though they're merely competent, no matter how well their performances go.
--Happy trails to you, Michael Sarver. If it's any consolation, there is no way you were going to win. You're not effeminate enough to garner any tween girl love, and as for your singing ability . . . well, the less said about that, the better.
Top 10 (airdate 3/25/09)
--It continues to be ludicrous to me that the judges praise different contestants for their "coolness" or their "rocker vibe." Granted coolness can be relative, and AI contestants may be cooler than, say, the Jonas Brothers. But objective coolness is way beyond this group--heck, I'm not sure that anyone who takes part in a show that can include Barry Manilow week can make any strong claim to coolness. Even worse is when they describe a constestant as, "a rocker," which would require that you actually . . . you know . . . rock. Wearing black leather and shouting a lot does not a rocker make.
--Motown week is one of those weeks where you're constantly saying to yourself, "Oh yeah, I remember this song. It's really good. What the hell are they doing to it?"
--I like the idea of Megan Joy. She sounds different and she's very pretty. Unfortunately, everything falls apart in the execution. I will give her this, however--listening to her is invariably exciting. You never know from one second to the next what note she is going to attempt to sing or whether she'll actually succeed. It's the musical equivalent of Russian roulette.
--And yet, Megan wasn't the worst performer of the week. That honor goes to Michael Sarver, who did a terrible, Vegas lounge lizard rendition of "Ain't too Proud to Beg"--only somehow more pathetic. I tremble to imagine the women throwing panties at him. I'm imagining very, very large cotton granny panties.
--Have we reached the end of the pity slide for Scott MacIntyre? Please, Lord, let it come soon. I can't imagine what possesses him to choose the songs he does--it's like he's trying to find the worst possible song choice every week. This week, he did the least cool "Can't Hurry Love" in human history. Yes, he was lapped in hipness by Phil Collins. Not a good sign.
--Could it be any more obvious that the judges/producers/powers-that-be want Adam to go far? Granted, I find him irritating and he never ceases to remind me of the lead in a theme park musical tribute show, but the judges would give him a standing ovation for blowing his nose.
--Why did Danny Hokey ask Smokey Robinson for advice on his performance and then completely ignore it? Interesting that when he doesn't do a song that's a thinly veiled reference to how brave he is for carrying on without his wife, the whole thing comes off cheesy as hell. Well, to me he's cheesy every week, but I guess this is the kind of cheesy that the judges can't ignore.
--Lil Rounds looks much better with hair. She should have some every week.
Elimination Show (airdate 3/18/09)
--Well, I will give this to the new Judges' Save option: it makes it not quite as stupid when the eliminated singer has to sing the very song that got him/her sent home. Until now, it had a very, "See ya. Now please remind us why we hated you," feel. At least now there's the semblance of a rationale for it--though you can't convince me that they judges don't know perfectly well whether or not they're going to save someone before he/she ever sings a note.
--Poor Alexis. I don't think she was even close to the worst, but it's not like this is really about the best singer. And I liked her song, even if the arrangement wasn't great. At this stage of the competition, I always feel like getting eliminated just means that you don't have enough family and friends with the means to use speed dialing programs.
--Ironically, Alexis was one of the four contestants that the infamous AI whistleblower had said the producers chose to be in the finals. Ironically, I think that definitely screwed her in terms of getting saved by the judges, since it would have been a confirmation of the rumors and scandal had the judges decided to save her from elimination. In fact, if I was into tinfoil helmets and microchip implants, I'd say that the producers manipulated the results to eliminate her just to prove that they weren't manipulating the results to put her in the final four. (I'm not a conspiracist, by the way, but it's still fun to spin the theories.))
Top 11 (airdate 3/17/09)
--Randy Travis (tonight's guest mentor) is quite the Southern gentleman. From a basic humanity and decency standpoint, this is a good and admirable thing. From an entertainment standpoint, it's a bit of a disappointment, since he has nothing but good and positive things to say about nearly everyone. The only performer he had trouble coming up with nice things to say about was Adam, and boy, was that justified.
--I have to give it to Adam--he keeps finding new and interesting ways to annoy me. This week, instead of an over-the-top psuedo-emo High School Musical rock production, we got the most unfortunate over-the-top psuedo-goth cover of "Ring of Fire" ever performed by man. I confess that I like this song, which makes me somewhat unwelcoming to crappy versions of it to begin with, but why in the name of all that is holy was there a sitar involved? I am beginning to wonder whether Adam was put on this earth to punish me for something. I knew I shouldn't have stolen that quarter out of the collection plate at church.
--When I heard it was country music week, I thought, "Oh no. How is Danny Hokey going to find a country music song that properly expresses how courageous he is for persevering in a reality show singing competition after his wife's death?" Obviously, I needn't have worried. I had forgotten all about the fine, thick, syrupy sap of "Jesus Take the Wheel." I can't figure out why it is that the judges love this guy so much. Is it the geeky charm? The dorky appeal? The rather average voice?
--I've been complaining for awhile that no one has done Dolly Parton's "Jolene," which on top of being an awesome song is also a good fit for this show. So on one hand, I'm happy that Alexis Grace chose to do it, but why did they have to chop it up and rearrange it into an American Idol Frankenstein version. It tells a story. And the story makes no sense at all when all you do is sing the "Joleeeeene" part over and over again. Still, at least we were spared another Carrie Underwood song.
--I really enjoyed Anoop's version of "You Were Always On My Mind," but I don't think he really got the credit he deserves for doing such a fine job with it. It's not an easy song to sing. Seriously. Just try singing the first line. Go ahead, we'll wait. . . . Did you sound a little like a sheep that just spotted a very, very lonely shepherd? Yeah, harder than it seems, isn't it?
--I think that I would enjoy this show a lot more if Simon was the only judge. I'm sick of Kara--she keeps trying to push the contestants into these little stereotypical boxes and issuing these pronouncements from on high on who these people "really are" and how they can be more authentic. I guess this is based from the close personal insights she gains from watching them for about 4 minutes each week. And Paula is just completely incoherent--though I find that I'm getting used to that. And I would definitely watch a reality show where Randy Jackson got an electric shock everytime he used the word, "Dawg." Though it would probably kill him within 10 minutes.
Elimination Show (airdate 3/11/09)
--So the big twist is just that the judges can save someone from an "undeserved" elimination. Once. Lame. All that means is that when someone I can't stand finally ends up on the chopping block, the damned judges are going to bring him/her back. Because they hate me.
--I don't care how much suspense they tried to build up over the elimination, I knew there was no way that Anoop was going home. At least, not over Jorge. Jorge's performance was straight off an episode of Fantasy Island. It would have been laughable had it not been so very, very dull.
--Kanye. Very cool. Of course. Which begs the question of what he's doing performing on American Idol. Does he need an image boost? Or is this one of those weird, inexplicable Kanye things? Without Mike Myers standing next to him and looking uncomfortable, I'm not always sure how to read him.
--Did Kelly Clarkson gain a lot of weight? Or is it just that we've gotten so used to anorexic pop stars that someone of normal weight looks impossibly heavy by comparison? Whichever it is, I know that the spangly weight-camouflaging jacket only made me dwell on the question. Which is probably now what she was going for. Don't really care for the new song, by the way. But generic pop and future adult contemporary hits are not really my thing.
--Jasmine was the other one voted off. Not exactly a surprise, since she was extremely unmemorable. I generally forgot that she was on the show whenever she wasn't actively on the tv screen, which wasn't a good sign.
--I feel like I should say something about the Carrie Underwood cover of "Home Sweet Home" that accompanies the voted-off montage. But the truth is I find the whole thing sappy and silly, so it doesn't really matter what corny thing they play over it. Also, I hate being put in the position of having to defend a Motley Crue song. It's not as though they're such great musicians that their music is untouchable and no one should ever do a cover. Mostly, I don't get why reality shows want me to summon up sorrow and nostalgia for someone I've seen for a total of about 20 minutes over a month and a half.
Top 13 (airdate 3/10/09)
--When I heard that they were doing Michael Jackson this week, my first reaction was one of excitement. The fun of watching someone butcher "Thriller" was promising indeed. Then I realized that this was going to be more of a curse than a treat. The problem is that, while Michael has a vast song catalog, most of the best ones (and, most notably, the ones that don't make you think of the creepy Jackson decline) are way too tied to him as a performer. Is it even possible to cover "Billie Jean" and not suffer by the comparison? And, just as I guessed, that meant that we were in for a bunch of lesser Jackson songs, performed with varying levels of ability, and generally yawn-ish.
--That said, I guess my favorite of the night was Matt Giraud, who did a pretty decent job with "Human Nature." I also didn't mind Alexis doing "Dirty Diana" (one of the more flexible songs to pick--I'm glad someone chose it) or Allison's performance. (Though it will get old if she does every single song in her throaty, semi-rocker style.) And I kinda liked Kris (guitar, and "Remember the Time," which gives me fun nostalgic memories of Eddie Murphy in a pharaoh outfit.
--I also didn't think Anoop was as awful as the judges said. Granted, I'm biased to him because I just find him likeable. And he's obviously not moronic, as is so often the case with AI contestants. But I also give him points for trying to pull of "Beat It." At least he has guts.
--Did this show really need not one, but two, ditzy, incoherent female judges who desperately want to be liked? Did they cast Kara as part of a plot to drive me totally insane? Trying to make sense of what she and Paula are saying sometimes is like . . . pretending that your dog is actually communicating with you when he yips frantically and runs in circles.
--I may be the only one on earth who loathes Adam Lambert, but I still maintain that his performances are wretched. (For clarification: he's the gay vampire guy. Or is that redundant?) It's not that his voice is bad. It's fine. Not heart-stoppingly good, as the judges seem to suggest, but not bad. It's just that his performances are like American rock and roll as interpreted by a gay Frenchman. They're cheesy and lame and swishy. And so far over the top that you'd need a NASA-level telescope to even see the top. I keep expecting to see a line of men with canes and gold top hats come out and dance behind him while he's singing. But maybe that's just me.
--Speaking of lame, Jorge's song was so '70s retro, I felt like he should have performed it in a yellow leisure suit while leaning against a piano. Very, very bad.
--How awesome was it that a sex chat line had already snapped up the "IDOLS13" toll-free number? Here's hoping that having a weird, non-sequential number doesn't leave Alexis on the chopping block.
--So apparently there's a judging twist that changes the whole structure of the show, and we're going to find out . . . tomorrow. God, I hate these people sometimes.
Wild Card Round (airdate 3/5/09)
--Sadly, I missed the first few minutes of the show because I was expecting the regular American Idol routine. Not AI on speed. Generally, you can count on a good 4-5 minutes (and more if there is a commercial break) between actual singing performances. So there I was, trying to finish making dinner between acts, and they just plow right through them. Ordinarily, I'd be thrilled that they cut out all the stalling, but they totally threw me off my game.
--You'd have a very hard time convincing me that the judges/producers hadn't already decided who was going on to the next round before a single note was sung tonight. That's why we got comments like, "you may not be the best singer, but we really need someone with your personality in the finals." I'm just glad that they decided that they didn't need Tatiana's crazy ass in the finals.
--Speaking of Tatiana, when she starts singing her Whitney Houston ballads, all I can see is her headlighting on the main stage of a strip club while women in cowboy hats gyrate around her and the DJ announces drink specials.
--I also want to establish that it Von annoyed me to no end, not least of all because of how he spelled his name. I'm sick of croony types, and his name seems incomplete without some kind of German word following it. VonBrautwurst. Something like that.
--I wish that I had predicted this last night, so that I could look all smart and stuff, but it seemed pretty obvious to me that they wanted to send Jasmine (cute and young), Megan (cute and trendy), and Anoop (fun and popular) through the next round. I didn't guess Matt Giraud, but that's because I thought they had white and dorky pretty much covered.
--I was going to be pretty darned ticked if Anoop didn't get through, so I didn't really appreciate them messing with me. It's like they know that Anoop has a following already and are just jerking us around. First they pick him last for the wild card round. Then they make it look like he has been eliminated again, only to change it up and tell us they "recently decided" to make it a top 13 so that they could include him. Recently decided, my ass. They were just toying with us.
Results, Round 3 (airdate 3/4/09)
--So Lil Rounds, Jorge, and Scott (the blind guy) are moving on to the finals. I thought Lil was great, and have no quarrel with that. I thought that Jorge and Scott were vastly inferior to Ju'not, however. So that part was a little disappointing.
--I'm not sure if this happened everywhere, but when I watched, the last minute or so of the show got cut off. Fortunately, that means that Jorge's rendition of "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" was cut short. Will someone please explain the love for that song? It's sappy and meandering, and apparently beloved by people who try out for American Idol. Before this show ever aired, I had probably heard it a maximum of 3 times in my whole life. Now, I'm haunted by karaoke-style renditions.
--The group songs at this point tend to be awkward and unharmonious. But it's all worth it to see them choreograph around Scott. Like we wouldn't notice the strange use of a couch in the staging of the song. I didn't think he was really that good a singer, but part of me is happy that he went through because I know that at some point they're just going to stick the poor dude on a stool in the center of the stage while everyone dances around him.
--The other thing we got to see tonight was the judges' picks for the wild card round. Which is tomorrow. Three episodes in one week. There may be people who say that there's no such thing as too much American Idol. These people are very, very, very wrong. I'm glad that we get another round to try to rectify some of the grave injustices done by the people who vote on this show. Or, more accurately, the obsessed fans who get those speed dialing programs to propel mediocre performers well past the point where they should have been eliminated.
--On the other hand, I'm not enthralled with some of the judges' picks for the wild card round. They got to pick from everyone in the top 36 who didn't get voted through. And while Anoop (one of my faves) did get picked, tragically Ju'not did not. Who did get picked? Boring, boringer, and boringest. Otherwise known as Matt Giraud, Megan Corkrey, and Ricky Braddy. Who? Exactly. Also performing will be the crazy drama queen (Tatiana), Jasmine (one of the cute teenagers), and Jesse Langseth (what passes for an edgy chick on Idol--I believe she did "Bette Davis Eyes" in round 2). If Anoop doesn't get through the wild card round, I will . . . well, not really do anything but bitch about it. I don't even vote. But I do hope that they don't put Tatiana through in the continued hope that she'll have some kind of on-screen mental breakdown. Because, let's face it--she's not going through on her singing ability.
Semi-Finals Round 3 (airdate 3/3/09)
--Last week's performances were oddly dull because they were so very bad. This week's performances were also oddly dull, and yet (on the whole) everyone was much better. One could argue that the problem is that American Idol is just a bit dull. But that's too simple. There must be a more sinister explanation, possibly involving other television networks, Rupert Murdoch, and 37 pounds of bananas.
--Whatever happened to having normal guys on this show? And by normal, I mean just that. Not guys with weird or tragic stories. Not guys who make Elton John look macho. We get a token blue collar guy (or two), maybe a smooth R&B guy, but that's about it. Is it the Sanjaya effect? Does no one want to permanently damage their rock cred in an effort to be the next Daughtry?
--Until tonight, I thought that Kara was maybe not a total space cadet. I stand corrected. What the hell was that with her comments to Taylor about whether a musician makes her want to go shopping with them. I promise that when I listen to music, the possibility of going shopping with the artist is maybe the furthest possible thing from my mind. In fact, I'd really rather not go shopping with most of them. Who wants to go look at oven mitts with Iggy Pop or get within contagion range of Motley Crue?
--Nathaniel. Where to start? The blue sparkly headband that somehow manages to be fey and dorky at the same time? Or the song choice. What in the name of all that is holy possessed him to sing a Meatloaf song? The second he started up on "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)", I knew that he used to sing it at home in the bathroom with a hairbrush for a microphone. I can't say that I hated him more than Nick or Adam from last week, but it was still pretty excruciating. Yes, he was memorable. But so are plantar's warts.
--The blind guy sang "Mandolin Rain." It's good to know that someone else remembers that song, though perhaps more fondly than I do. For me, that's the wretched song that gets stuck in your head (despite the fact that you hate it) and absolutely will not leave until you sing the chorus a few times. This is inevitably embarrassing, as there's really no reason for anyone to be singing this song in public. Ever. On the other hand, I know someone whose song nemesis is "Heal the World". So it could be worse.
--I am delighted to be able to report that Lil Rounds' nickname is short for "Lillian"--not "Little." (So she's Lillian Rounds, not L'il Rounds.) This is an immense relief to me, as I was faced with the unpleasant possibility that she or her mother thought it would be good to name her "Little" or, almost as bad, that this was her idea of a good performance name. And I can't be the only one who immediately thinks that "L'il Rounds" must be a reference to a body part. Can we please start calling her Lillian? Or just Lil (without the surname)? Incidentally, she was pretty good. As was Ju'not's version of "Hey There Delilah." (And it hurt me to use that many apostrophes in one word.)
Round 2 Results (airdate 2/26/09)
--Am I cursed? It's not that I had any particular favorites in this round, but it seems like my taste in non-excruciating, non-cheesy musical performances runs almost exactly opposite of American's choices. This is going to be a long season.
--Yes, Adam, the semi-emo, got voted through to the next round. I don't have much to say about him that wasn't thoroughly explored in my update from last night, but watching him perform again reminded me of how much I loathe him. And his haircut. And his cheesy Disney rocker moves. When I watch him do this song, all I can think of is some kind of "Salute to Rock & Roll" being performed at 1:20 and 3:20 on the AmericaLand stage at Six Flags. I half expect to see a bunch of girls in ponytails and matching pink t-shirts and shorts come out and do cartwheels behind him while he sings.
--Also getting through was the girl who kind of sang/kind of shouted "Alone" by Heart. It was . . . o.k. Better by far than most of the people last night, but that's not saying much. I do have a major problem with her hair color though. It's way too harsh for her skin tone and her young age and makes her look like a 47 year old woman with a baby face and awful taste in clothing. Yes, I am ripping on a teenager about her appearance. So what? At least I didn't point out how chubby that dress made her look.
--And the guy who sang "Man in the Mirror" went through to the finals as well. Color me shocked. It's not that he did a bad job--I'm just glad to see that not everyone automatically associates post-Thriller Michael Jackson songs with creepy little boy fetishes. So it's just me. Good to know.
--So weird to see Brooke White show up, though I thought her song wasn't bad at all. It was a little disheartening though, as it really demonstrated how weak the field is so far. And it made me start to question the point of the theme weeks in terms of actually showcasing and uncovering real talent. Though that's a rant for another day.
Semi-finals Round 2 (airdate 2/25/09)
--Is it me, or are people getting progressively worse? The judges keep harping on song choice, but I'm starting to think that there are no songs that would sound good at the hands of some of these people.
--That said, some of the song choices were truly bizarre. "Man in the Mirror"? This is your chance to define yourself musically for America and you pick a Michael Jackson song from his I-Love-the-World phase? Wasn't there something else you could do to communicate that you're a huge dork and a mediocre musician? And the chick who did "Bette Davis Eyes"--wasn't she, like, a zygote when that song was released?
--I feel for the guy who got called, "boring," for doing Tonic's "If You Could Only See." I liked him, and I like the idea of the blue collar guy making it big. But . . . it was boring. It's not really a stand-out song, no matter how you look at it. And (warning: off-topic rant to follow) the lyrics drive me nuts. Have you ever really listened to it? It's basically a guy moaning to someone (probably his mom) that they just don't understand his relationship, and his girlfriend isn't such a bitchy tramp, and that if they could only see how much in looooooove he and his girl were, then . . . something. Whine, whine, whine. Catchy tune, but whiny and a tad pathetic. Also, I can't listen to it without thinking that the singer's mom was probably on to something--I bet the girl he's singing about really is a royal twat.
--Surely, it isn't a surprise at this point that Simon is critical and occasionally harsh. Can we please dispense with the boos when he makes the obvious point that some of these singers suck donkey balls? A nice, bracing hit of truth is a good thing once in a while.
--Paula seems less crazy and high than usual in these last few episodes. On occasion, I can even understand what she's saying. Is it the pressure of having Kara there as a comparison point? Honestly, I'm not sure that I like this new, coherent Paula. It takes some of the fun out of it when she's not blathering on about colors and sparkliness.
--I will concede that Nick/Norman turned in one of the more entertaining performances on a sub-standard night. And I can't stand him and am looking forward to his elimination. Sure, he has potential from a ratings perspective, and you could argue that he's engaging in a bizarre bit of performance art that brings into question the total absurdity of this singing/popularity contest. But, at heart, what he's doing is mocking the whole concept of American Idol. Of course, I do that all the time, but I'm a critic. It's my thing. But the foundations of the AI princple are shaky enough that I don't think it needs the Nick/Norman drag show to make us laugh at the idea that they're going to "discover" a great singer.
--I'm having a bit of trouble coming up with the right wording to describe how I feel about the final performance. (The Stones' "Satisfaction" sung by that little emo vampire fucker.) To say that I hated it seems incomplete somehow. I mega-loathed that cheese-fest, and I want to know where this guy gets off thinking that he has earned the right to perform this song. You don't do "Satisfaction" with cute little vocal runs and hip wiggles and camera smirks. Unless you have snorted cocaine off of a supermodel's breasts, you have no business singing this song in public. In fact, unless your name is Mick Jagger, you have no business singing this song. How the judges could applaud it is beyond me.
Round 1 Results (airdate 2/18/09)
--Admittedly, I'm a little annoyed. Not at the results format. Sure, they've changed things a bit so that we're now voting people through instead of voting them out. I'm not entirely sure what I think about that, but seeing as this is just a facade of a singing contest wrapped in a popularity vote, I'm not going to get all worked up about it. Still, it seems a shame to see some of the better contestants buried by the tidal wave of mediocrity. Not to mention that the "voting through" method really favors those that are getting the producers' perks--e.g. the ones who have had more sad story profiles and who get the plum final slot of the night. So, on second thought, I guess I don't like the new format much. Glad we sorted that out.
--I don't have much to say about the episode itself. It was overly drawn out--as usual. I expect to make that complaint another 243,392 times this season. The one good thing I can say about the new format is that at least we don't have to see the eliminated contestants singing the crappy song that got them eliminated in the first place. Thank God for that anyway.
--I was glad that Alexis got through, as she was one of the few that seemed to have earned it last night. The Oil Rig guy was more of a surprise, and I suspect he made it more on his story than his performance, which seemed a little breathless and uneven. It's total b.s. that Noop-Dog didn't make it though. I'll be very disappointed if he doesn't end up in the final 12 via wild card.
--And the last one to make it in was Danny Hokey--er, I mean Gokey. Sure, his singing was fine, but the whole, "I'm gonna sing, "Hero" because I'm such a hero for perservering through competing on American Idol despite my dead wife," thing really annoyed me. The judges acted like he was the second coming, and while there wasn't a lot of competition for him last night, let's not get carried away. It was fine. That's all. This is what I'm talking about when I say that the new format allows for more producer influence. We've gotten to see Danny's story over and over at every stage of the competition, plus he got the final spot. Of course he was going to make the final 12.
Semi-Finals Round 1 (airdate 2/17/09)
--And so the ballads begin. Before American Idol, I didn't realize how difficult it is to deliver an uptempo song. Apparently, it's nearly impossible--at least based on the massacre of "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" that assaulted our eardrums tonight. Instread, we get meaningful ballad after meaningful ballad until we're all puking inspiration. (Can you tell that I hate the song "Hero" by Mariah Carey? And that my most hated song ever is "Imagine"?)
--The first performance of the night was distressing for two reasons. First, that must have been the strangest arrangement of "A Little Less Conversation" that I've ever heard. It was sooooooo slow. Here she is, jumping and shimmying around the stage and meanwhile, the song tempo is stuck on "Valium." And then there was the outfit. What the hell was that about? It was very, very distressing to see that shiny spandex pants are attempting a comeback. This is a crime of fashion that no amount of retro nostalgia can redeem. As a nation, we must come together to prevent the horror of widespread adoption of the spandex pants trend. We already lost the high-waisted jeans battle--let's not get complacent here or we'll start seeing sweatbands as accessories too.
--I both agree and understand that choosing the right song is crucial. I cannot for the life of me understand why so many contestants choose songs that are too big for them, too identifiable with a particular artist, or just too damned dull and obscure. No one here has such an amazing voice that I'm going to stay interested in their long, boring ballad. However, the judges are a little confusing in their advice on the matter. They're good a pointing out a bad song choice. (And I agree that it's very weird when a young girl sings a song that's way too old/mature for her.) But when it comes to explaining why a song was bad for someone, they get all muddled and vague about it. Why not give some guidance other than, "that wasn't a good song for you." How about suggestions or examples or something. Or is Simon the only one who is allowed to give constructive advice?
--I can't believe that after all of these years, we're still subjected to the overplayed "tension" between Simon and Paula and Simon and Seacrest. Enough already. No one in America buys this crap anymore.
--My favorites of the night were probably Anoop-Dog and Alexis Grace (the blonde who did "Never Loved a Man"). I know that Anoop wasn't at his best, and "Angel of Mine" was a bit of an off-beat choice. But I appreciate the fact that Anoop is far, far smarter than your average AI contestant--and his rationale for choosing "Angel of Mine" was nice. I appreciate the attempt at some level of subtlety in your thanks/inspiration choice. As for Alexis, I'm just happy to see a female contestant who is actually a woman instead of a budding bubble-gum teen star.
--Yeah, I wasn't loving Danny Gokey's rendition of "Hero." This is partly because I loathe that song like Bill Maher loathes taste and class. But it's also because of the total overreaction from the judges. Look, I feel sorry that Danny lost his wife. That really sucks. But it doesn't make him a better singer. The song was good. That's all. It wasn't life changing or a profile in courage. It wasn't even very interesting. I like Danny and hope goes to the next round, but spare me the histrionics.
Hollywood Round 4 (airdate 2/11/09)
--Ah, the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a bit much to ask me to be all that invested in most of these people--generally I can't even remember who they are 10 minutes after their segment. But I still have a few things to say about the last cut of pre-voting rounds.
--It was nice to see them start with Anoop, who not only is memorable on the name front, but whom I'm rooting for just because he clearly isn't a mouth-breathing moron. Nothing against the congenitally stupid, but let's just say that it's a pretty common problem with the contestants on this show--especially the girls. Anyway, I was glad that Anoop got through. I can't wait to see what signs his teenybopper following will come up with.
--Oh no, it's a motherfucking sing-off. I guess I should be grateful for the sing-off feature, as it added an element of interest to a show that was basically about watching people sit in a variety of different chairs. (Speaking of, what was with the pimp thrones that they stuck the judges in? I get that comfort is important, but those chairs made them look like the Supreme Court in McDonaldland.
--I thought that they made a mistake in picking the uglier (and nominally better singer) blonde over the prettier one. Because let's face it--there's a certain minimal attractiveness you need in order to win the show, and all the posturing and "loving yourself for who you are" is not going to change that. And it's beyond ironic for Paula to be protesting this fact. Yeah. Because you had such a fantastic singing voice yourself, Paula. I'm sure your other assets had nothing to do with your success.
--Weird that they let the Nick/Norman guy through. I thought that this kind of thing was completely against the kind of authenticity-in-the-rough that Simon is always looking for. Not to mention the fact that he'll ride through a few rounds on personality, then sink like a stone when people get bored of the act.
--Very annoyed that they let through the one half of those two best friends (the one whose wife died), but nixed Jamar, the supportive best friend. Of the two, I preferred Jamar, who I thought had a quirky charm that almost makes it bearable to hear the same songs over and over again. Boo, judges.
--Also very annoyed that Tatiana was passed through. She actually makes me mute my tv so that I can't hear the stream of fetid crap that endlessly pours out of her piehole and is meant to pass for conversation. If there is an epidemic of people shooting themselves during the personal profile sections of future episodes, I hope the Producers take responsibility for the torment that they've unleashed onto the American people.
--Good also to see the blind guy go through. I find myself hoping he'll last a bit so that we can see how they manage to work him into the group sing-alongs and cheesy promo spots. I suspect we're going to see a lot of dancing around him as he sits in one place.
Hollywood Round 3 (airdate 2/10/09)
--Even in a show that has raised the annoying stall to an art form, this was a long and pointless episode. We just spent an hour watching people sit in hotel ballrooms so that we could learn the obvious--that the room full of people who stunk was eliminated and everyone else moves on to the next round. An hour. To truly comprehend the stupidity of this format, walk into four separate rooms in your house, saying, "you're in," or, "you're out," at the door of each one. Go ahead. I'll wait here. . . . . So, how long did that take? About 90 seconds, right? Leaving only another 58 minutes to pad with flashbacks, commercials, footage of the judges moving pictures around, more flashbacks, and more commercials. Good times.
--Glad to see that Anoop is still doing well. A bit surprised that he chose to cover "My Perogative," but he did a decent job of it and had the decency to do the Bobby Brown version and not the human rights violation that passed for Britney's cover. I also liked Ju'not's R&B version of "Hey There Delilah." It was pretty smooth. (Not a fan of the way his name is spelled, but I suppose I can't hold him responsible for that.)
--I'm officially sick of the Nick/Norman shtick. Sure, it's still funny-ish, but it's getting old already. Just sing the damned song and be done with it. Enough covering up your natural dorkiness with an even more dorky persona.
--If you make it to this round of the Hollywood auditions and get sent to the room with the girl that the judges couldn't stop drooling over, then it's time to relax and start mentally preparing for your next song. And if you're in the room with the girl who started squeaking halfway through her song, messed up the lyrics, and then ran off the stage in tears? Well, let's just say that it should be obvious that you can call your mom and tell her you'll need a ride home from the airport.
--If it weren't bad enough that this whole episode was essentially one big stall, we then had to deal with the judges doing the elimination fake in every single room that got passed to the next round. It's so obvious too. When people are being cut, they have the decency to get right to the point. But when they're not, they drag the damned announcement out so long that you could finish War and Peace and bake a loaf of sourdough bread from scratch before Paula is even done telling everyone that they did their best.
Hollywood Round 1 (airdate 2/3/09)
--So we're finally in Hollywood, where the bad singers have transformed into the merely mediocre and we can play the "Who was she again?" game when the producers try to remember how much we loved some contestant from Kansas City. It's a bit much to ask me to be misty and nostalgic over a television moment that lasted 30 seconds two weeks ago.
--Perhaps things have changed a lot since I was a teenager, but it seems like there has been a marked increase in--how to put this?--whiny, wussy teenage boys. And the crying. Dear Lord, the crying. I understand that this is a very high-stress situation and there are those who have dreamed of it forever. But that one guy with the moon face and the headband going on about how music just bursts out of him . . . well congratulations man, you just made Clay Aiken seem butch.
--Why do chicks like the bikini girl make women so very, very annoyed? It has nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with her conviction that it's jealousy. It's an attitude that inspires even rational, unemotional women to want to punch her in the face. With a cast iron glove covered in spikes coated with hydrochloric acid. Sure, she's pretty. That's obvious enough and easy to admit. She's not outstandingly, amazingly beautiful, but she's certainly pretty. But with her attitude--trust me, even Cindy Crawford would want to kick her in the crotch. And Lord knows it wouldn't be out of jealousy. But that's what Bikini Girl would say. Which is exactly why women hate her. (With that said, it was funny to see Simon so obviously goading Kara and Paula on Bikini's audition. As if she really has a chance to go very far in the competition.)
--I don't really know what to make of the Norman guy. I'm kind of assuming you had to be there--though the Seacrest shout-out did get a laugh from me. But so many things about Seacrest get a laugh from me that it's like shooting fish in a barrel. But this is obviously the only guy on earth who is more comfortable performing in front of a national audience in an orange sweatband/wristband set and a shiny rainbow shirt.
--I did notice that American Idol's Most Tragic (Blind Guy, Orphan, Guy Whose Wife Died) all made it through to the next round of Hollywood. I wonder if there will eventually be a time when they don't have to remind us of the sad background before they sing? How would you like to be up against one of these people in the finals? ("Please vote for me, even though my family is healthy and happy and I haven't really overcome anything to be here. Peace out.")
Auditions Round--New York & Puerto Rico (airdate 1/29/09)
--It's not that I'm not trying my best for you all here, but another auditions episode? For the third day in a row? Covering two cities, no less? Is anyone really watching all of this? Or, more importantly, does anyone expect anything new, interesting or exciting to happen here? Guess what? Some people sang for the judges. Some sucked and got cut-off or shut down by the judges. Some were weird enough for us to be amused at their failure. Some were ok, and we got to see a lot of over-dramatic discussion about them from the judges. And some were halfway decent, and got gushed over like they had just simultaneously cured cancer and invented the flying car. Thank God the Hollywood round starts next week. I don't think I could take another minute of this.
--Are there special rules in place request people to choose random mediocre ballads for audition material. I swear that I heard someone doing a Richard Marx song in one of the montages. Think about it. Some guy spent days preparing for this audition, spent hours in line, got his chance with the judges, and through all of this was thinking, "I'm definitely going to do 'Right Here Waiting' when I get my chance. It really shows who I am as an artist." I was actually happy to see the judges tell that 16-year-old girl that she picked songs that were too old for her. I can't possibly be the only one who gets annoyed at hearing a teenager sing about adult pain and heartbreak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Teenagers have problems too. I certainly thought that when I was a teen. That's because I was dumb and immature.
--So they've brought back the crazy-ass chick from last season's Philadelphia audition. Apparently, she made it into a Forever 21 and picked up an awful silver shift/dress thing and has washed a bit of the white trash out of her hair. But not all of it, apparently. Talk about an audition set up purely to entertain us. Because no one on earth could have thought that she had somehow improved her singing. No, this was all about hoping that she went completely batshit for the cameras. And I'd say that she disappointed us a bit on that score. Sure, she oozed crazy all over the waiting room, flipped-off the judges, and cursed her way out of the hotel. But it was missing that hard-core edge that she had last season. And no acid-washed denim either. What a letdown.
--I wanted to complain about the arbitrary nature of the judging and the last girl from Puerto Rico, but we've been over this a hundred times before, and I'm spent. I've got to lay down and mentally prepare myself for the tears and bitching of Hollywood week. Hollywood . . . where the banal mediocrity of the majority of the contestants will be revealed! (Now with even more excuses for forgetting lyrics and generally stinking up the joint!)
Auditions Round--Salt Lake City, UT (airdate 1/28/09)
--And just like an infectious, pus-dripping rash, the auditions rounds keep spreading--this time to Salt Lake City, which is famous for having Mormons . . . and that's about it. Oh, I'm sure that the residents of Salt Lake would be happy to tell us about all the interesting non-Mormon things about their city, but I've only got so much time here. Mormons. That's it.
--Guess what? There are still more people who sing terribly, don't know that they sing terribly, and cry like big fat stupid babies when they get eliminated. In other news, the sun rose in the East again today.
--Don't get me wrong--I have the utmost respect for mothers and how tough it is. But the mere fact of being a single mom doesn't qualify you for the Congressional Medal of Honor, no matter how big a deal the Idol producers like to make of it. Everytime we meet a young woman who talks about her kid and is about to launch into her profile in courage on how much her child changed her life, I want to vomit. I'm not going to root for or against anyone based on their child/marital status, and I'm tired of people talking about how entering a singing contest is somehow going to be their child's ticket out of poverty. (Actually, this annoys me in all reality shows, as it's a pretty conisistent theme.) You really want to help your kid? How about finding a regular job, helping them do well in school, etc.? Don't pretend that you're entering a singing/modeling/whatever contest for them. At least be honest enough to admit that it's for you.
--And yet, despite the above rant, I did like the Single Mom with the one tattoo sleeve. She was unexpectedly likeable and had a reasonably interesting voice. Though I could just be projecting because I want to hear the story of the tattoo sleeve and why she left her husband. I don't know why, but I have a feeling it would be really juicy. I guess I just assume people with a lot of tattoos have more interesting lives than I do.
--Apparently there's some connection between Salt Lake City and High School Musical. However, I am extremely proud of the fact that I know absolutely nothing about High School Musical and have worked very hard to maintain that ignorance. So I'm afraid I have no idea if they did anything cleverly High School Musical-related. Although that seems like enough of a contradiction in terms to garner a solid, "no."
--What the hell was with that kid and the "It takes a village to raise a child" song? Congratulations, dude. That may well be the dorkiest thing I've ever seen, and I once watched a Magic: the Gathering tournament. (It's a long story.) He had such a earnest, we-can-save-the-world aura about him that I just want to sit and pelt him with "Yes We Can" buttons.
--And an orphan for the win! Way to go American Idol for tracking down a decent young singer who actually managed to lose both her parents while still a teenager. And cute too! How long did it take to find her. (Of course, I have some comments about the white girl dreadlocks, but I think it's a little too soon, considering that we just saw the orphan clip about her. I'll wait until she gets a little further into the competition before I criticize her hair.)
Auditions Round--Jacksonville, FL (airdate 1/27/09)
--Seriously, how many different ways are there to sing badly? Maybe 6 or 7 at most? And yet here we are in our third straight week of dual hour-long auditons specials, the main feature of which seems to be watching someone butcher a song in a way we've seen a hundred times before. Ooooo, here's a weird guy with a super-low or super-high voice. And to think we only get to see that 20 times a year. Oh, and another dippy delusional girl who is totally off-key. Why wouldn't that be charming to watch for the trillionth time? Is this some kind of plan to make us sympathize with how grouchy the judges get after awhile? Could you throw us a bone and maybe just give us 1 extra-long audition episode that summarizes the whole damned thing? I know that AI specializes in drawing things out to a ridiculous and painful extreme, but this particular horse was beaten to death years ago.
--And while I'm on a bit of a rant, what's with all the crying? Jesus, people. Cheer the hell up. Or at least stop blubbering all over our TV screen. I'm sorry that Randy and Simon crushed your dream, but here in the audience, we're all cried out. And also, you suck at singing. No offense, dawg. It's just that if I have to watch one more person dissolve into tears during their audition, I'm going to have to start a supervillain plan to pump Prozac into the water supply. Between the parade of family tragedies and the whimpering contestants, this whole season is crying out for therapy. Or meds. Or a good kick in the ass.
--Not many people stood out for me tonight, because they all seemed to be clones of the same characters we see in every audition city. However, I was very, very happy indeed to see that Guitar Guy didn't get through. How can I be so cruel? Simple. I can't stand Guitar Guy. I can't remember what his name was on this episode, though I recall that he was sporting the tragic Brett-Michaels-Thinning-Hair-Bandanna look despite only being about 18 or 19. Anyway, Guitar Guy is that guy who wants desperately to be a musician and drags his acoustic guitar with him everywhere, playing little folky rock songs at the beach, parties, etc. So there you are, trying to talk to your friends or listen to some good music performed by actual professionals, and there is Guitar Guy, warbling an indifferent cover of a Bob Dylan tune while you plaster a smile on your face, praise him, and wonder how many goddamned verses this song has and when you can go back to your coversation. Guitar Guy is never that good looking, nor does he have a particularly good voice, but you just know he thinks that he's going to win over some girl with his rendition of "You're Beautiful." Needless to say, Guitar Guy pleaded and cried about getting rejected on AI. I imagine that works a lot better on impressionable 15-year-olds then music judges.
--Oh, and how much bullshit was it when they made that pretty girl with the nice voice go get a "makeover" so that they could see her "star quality"? Oh, please. She looked fine, if perhaps a bit nervous under the circumstances, and she sang much better than 90% of the people who they let through to the Hollywood round. And yet we have to watch this stupid semi-makeover for what reason? Don't tell me that they were really concerned about her ability to survive the competition. They let people through this round just for the drama factor--people you know are totally done for in the next round. And yet this girl (who is obviously semi-final material) has to jump through all of these hoops for our supposed amusement. Only it's not all that entertaining to watch someone put on eyeshadow. And then they all pretended that something was radically different when she returned. Whatever. She took off her jacket and put on makeup. Yeah, that's a future Mariah Carey right there.
Auditions Round--Louisville, KY (airdate 1/21/09)
--I once had an extraordinarily long (and surprisingly non-alcohol-related) discussion with a friend about the proper pronunciation of "Louisville." Said friend had family from Louisville, which (looking back on it) seems a little odd because she was as preppie-east-coast-yankee as it is possible to get without actually attending an ivy league school and dropping her "r"s. What is the relevance of this anecdote to tonight's auditions round? None at all really, but I'd rather write about dimly remembered conversations than tackle yet another audition episode. How many variations of, "boy, that guy sucks at singing," can one person stand? Based on the audition episodes, it's a wonder that they get enough people to the Hollywood round to fill a private room at the local Denny's.
--A lot of people are probably going to be up in arms about the girl who had a record contract already (which apparently didn't pan out). I can't say that I'm all that worked up about it. I know the show is supposed to be about undiscovered singers, but I believe that there's enough luck and timing in place in getting your big break to make it legitimate to let in people who had a semi-shot already. Not to mention that watching bad audition after bad audition makes you inclined to believe that there's not a whole lot of totally undiscovered talent out there. Heck, based on the 20 minutes that I spent in the car listening to the radio today, I'd add that there's not a whole lot of discovered talent either.
--One of the contestants--a 23 year-old guy--described his profession as "dueling piano player." While I would like to be biased toward pianists (I played the piano myself, after all), I'm a bit taken aback by the "dueling" part. To begin with, it just sounds dorky as hell. Just imagine trying to pick up a chick at a bar. She asks what you do for a living, and you say, "I'm a musician." You're in. Girls love that crap. Now replace that response with, "I'm a dueling piano player," and all of a sudden she discovers an urgent need to go meet up with her friends. In conjurs up images of straw hats and striped jackets and cheesy lounges. How do you even get into the dueling piano player market? Is there a special employment section that I'm unaware of? Is that what all those "special opportunity" emails from Monster are for? Here I've been deleting them unread when I could already be making money in the lucrative world of dueling piano playing.
--Extreme poverty? Awwww, is that really the best you could do for Louisville, American Idol? You've been raising the stakes with every final audition that I was expecting something big--maybe someone with a club foot who care for orphaned puppies and is still recovering from the death of their conjoined twin. I wonder whether the producers were combing the emergency wards of Louisville in vain for someone in traction who could also sing well. Not that I don't have the utmost sympathy for anyone who grew up in poverty, but I have to say that winning American Idol is not necessarily the most realistic plan for achieving professional success. I guess it's better than playing slots. Though perhaps less fun.
Auditions Round--San Francisco, CA (airdate 1/20/09)
--Am I the only one who now associates San Francisco with food snobbery and the giant South Park cloud of smug? I don't even think of gay pride parades anymore. Just insufferable yuppies redecorating their homes. Of course, this doesn't translate well to television singing auditions, but it would be nice to see George Clooney's Oscar speech set to music.
--That Tatiana chick. Where to start? What on earth was she wearing? Did she lose a bet? A bet that required her to wrap herself in polyester netting and the world's ugliest pageant dress? She definitely lost the battle with good taste. I won't even touch on the "wanting it" thing again--except to point out that now things have gotten to the point where people are promising to do good deeds for the world with their low-level reality TV stardom. So why did the judges let her through? I'll be shocked if she goes past the Hollywood stage, so I'm guessing that they're just hoping that she has some kind of breakdown and gives us all a good chuckle.
--I like to think of myself as a fairly mean and shallow person. But sometimes, even I think it's too much to mock or laugh at some of these people. I get it when we're talking about the aggressively delusional, but when it's just some poor shmuck who's scared out of his mind and is squeaking his song all over the place, have some goddamned compassion and refrain from laughing, judges. It's weird that Simon gets the bad rap for being the mean judge when he's generally the most professional in these situations. It's Randy, giggling away behind a piece of paper, that really irks me here. Seriously dawg. When your whole body is shuddering with laughter, the little 8 1/2" x 11" sheet of copy paper isn't exactly concealing your mirth. It's bad enough that you're destroying someone's dream and self-image. Could you at least refrain from laughing in his face?
--I think I speak for everyone in America when I say that there's nothing that I enjoy more than cheering from someone named Jesus. I really hope this guy goes far because I'm looking forward to all the Jesus-related puns and wordplay that will be available. If he wins it all, I'm thinking either "Jesus Rises" or "Jesus is the One." Of course, it would also be good if he walked off the show: "Jesus Rejects Idol-atry." Needless to say, it was pretty obvious that he was at least going to Hollywood, since they apparently gathered everyone who has ever known him to cheer him coming out of the audition room. I can't imagine that they drag Grandma all that way just to do a comforting scene.
--Speaking of obvious tells, was anyone surprised when Kai (the musician who cares for his sick mother) got in to Hollywood too? If so, I have some prime New York real estate to sell you. Is the last audition we see this season going to be some guy who runs a kitten rescue, works at a home for children with cancer, lost every member of his family in a tragic roller coaster accident, and is dying from a rare blood disorder that makes him sing like an angel? Could someone please get Oprah out of the American Idol editing booth and get back to the singing weirdos? How about doing a profile of some obsessive 17 year-old semi-goths? Those are always fun. (Side note: I actually liked Kai, who--despite the obvious efforts to pull an emotional interview out of him--came off as a pretty decent guy.)
Auditions Round--Kansas City, MO (airdate 1/14/09)
--So, here we are in Kanasas City, which we've learned is the home of David Cook, last year's winner. We've learned that because Seacrest mentions it once every 12 seconds or so. We also learn that David Cook was appreciated for the way that he covered songs in an original way and made them his own. Hmmmm. What an interesting new way to define "orginality." I was under the impression that originality required actually coming up with something yourself rather than taking other people's lesser-known work and passing it off as your own. But apparently, covering Chris Cornell's and Live's covers of songs counts too. Huh. Well, I guess you learn something new every day.
--There comes a time when the auditons become a bit monotonous. For me, this is about 20 minutes into the episode. Why, in the name of all that is holy, do we need two full hours of people who can't sing, lightly peppered with brief moments of people who can sing?
--Ok, the crooner guy who told us he does things that regular guys don't and then proceeds to give us a Rat Pack version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"? Yeah, way to forge new paths there, buddy. For some reason, he got a lot of acclaim for his voice, which I would describe as, "very, very loud." Which--despite what you might learn from American Idol--is not the same things as "good."
--If you remember Jason Castro from last season (the one who positively radiated pothead vibes), you'll be pleased to know that his younger brother made it to Hollywood. Younger bro seems to feel that he's the "manlier" Castro--which is an interesting base of comparison, considering that little bro looks like his dream is to be a member of Panic! At the Disco.
--I hate to be a big meanie here, but why did we have to hear the whole story about the guy whose wife recently died. How uncomfortable is it to sit there and watch someone fall apart on television for your alleged entertainment? Obviously, since they went through the trouble to get his home videos, he was going to get through to the next round, but still . . .
--And on the personal tragedy front--enough with the damned personal tragedy stories already. I hated it during the Olympics, and I hate it even more here. It's not that I'm not sympathetic to people's problems, but it has no bearing on whether they can sing, it's manipulative as hell, and it leaves us in this weird awkward place where their problems are being exploited to keep us tuned in after the commercial break. If the next city has someone wheeled in on a hospital gurney to audtion before they begin chemo, I won't be at all surprised.
--Love Anoop-Dawg. Cool voice. Even cooler that he's familiar with the art of coming up with ludicrous graduate research projects. Oh, and way to explore Asian stereotypes there, Simon. Faced with an Indian guy, you decide that he's too Microsoft tech geeky. Why didn't you just hand him the Spicy Curry Dundie and ask him for a Slurpee while you were at it?
Auditions Round--Phoenix, AZ (airdate 1/13/09)
--Well, here we are with another inspiring season of American Idol. I know that I'm inspired because the AI producers have repeatedly instructed me that I am. Also that this is an incredibly moving journey. And something about dreams. Apparently, the dream of being a mediocre pop singer is a huuuuuge dream in America. Which is a little disappointing, actually. They don't even have cool drug addiction stories. They get hooked on painkillers and go to the hospital for "exhaustion." Whatever happened to aspiring to the excesses of actual Rock & Roll? And how come no one ever adds the "and roll" to the word "rock" anymore? Except for maybe Dick Clark.
--Please don't expect me to begin to know people's names yet. My policy is that unless you are especially memorable, I'm not going to bother to learn your name until the semi-finals round, or maybe even the top 10. Instead we'll be going with character descriptors and personal defects.
--Has anyone who could actually sing ever come to the audtion in a funny outfit or with a ridiculous dance? When we see someone with a damned costume or practicing their Whitey McWhiterson moves, that's all we need to see to know that person's heading home.
--I don't know how to describe this guy, other than to say he was the super-creepy dude who seemed normal-ish, but then sang with his face all scrunched up and did this weird, hiccupy, high-pitched thing with his voice. Anyway, he obviously has no future in music, but I think he would be perfectly cast as the lead in a movie about a mentally challenged kid who snaps and strangles one his schoolfriends. Though not full retard, of course.
--The sort-of rock girl with the pink hair who sang "Barracuda." I liked her voice just fine, but could have done without all of the self-justification about backstabbing her band. Just do it and be done with it. Don't try to dress it up or make excuses. It's not like you'd be the first one to abandon your friends for a slim chance at fame.
--Oh, and on the whole "rock" thing. Is there any way that you can appear on AI and maintain your rock credibility? I'm going to go with a big, fat "no" on that one. And don't try to refute me with Constantine or Daughtry because you'll just be proving my point.
--It doesn't really matter how much you "really want this." If you can't friggin' sing, you're not going to Hollywood. Why don't people understand this?
--Ah, the bikini girl. She had a great body, but would have been much prettier if she didn't get bitch all over my TV screen. And I just dusted, too! I don't have much of an objection to their putting her through, even though she was only slightly above average, voice-wise. After all, I got the incalculable joy of watching her kiss Ryan Seacrest while some editor with a puckish sense of humor played "I Kissed a Girl" as background music. For a second, I almost believed that Seacrest was straight. Ok, not really. But it was still a good try, Ryan.
--Oh no, the blind guy. In all fairness, he had one of the best voices of the night. And he seems like a decent fellow. But we all know that this means months of hearing about his "courage" and his "journey" and how inspirational it all is. I don't want to be inspired. I just want to hate on people for sucking at singing and make fun of their taste in music. And does this mean no Stevie Wonder jokes? Talk about taking all the fun out of mocking people.