An Open Letter to the Entertainment Industry on Behalf of the Residents of the Washington, DC Area
Dear Producers, Directors, Actors, Writers, and Assorted Wunderkind—
It’s not that we’re looking to complain. Really, we enjoy what you do immensely, and find you most useful when we want to decry cultural trends during an election year. You’re doing a fabulous job. But it has come to our attention that there have been a few minor errors when it comes to depicting Washington, DC and the citizens thereof. Don’t misunderstand—for the most part, we greatly enjoy the films, television shows, etc. that are set in our fair city. There are few things quite as entertaining as trying to guess which Congressman’s sordid past was being obliquely referred to in last night’s police procedural. But if you could just address the following issues, we would be very grateful and much less likely to sic the FCC on you again. At least, not this year.
1. This is probably the most important point. Please, in the name of all that is holy and/or organic, stop misrepresenting the Metro system. We’ve seen quite a few other cities—from Baltimore to L.A.—stand-in for the DC Metro and it only confuses people. We’ve seen Will Smith get on a metro-like train and then jump out of an above-ground tram in Maryland. We love Will Smith, but this is why tourists are always standing on the “walk only” side of the escalator. They’re busy trying to figure out how Bruce Willis could possibly get away with hiding in the tunnels.
2. There are many beautiful, intelligent, and successful women in DC, the majority of whom are not sleeping with a sitting governor, married Senator, or corrupt lobbyist. (The Clinton years are long over, after all.) Even fewer of them moonlight as a dominatrix or dress like they might.
3. There are many lobbyists who have all of their hair, work out regularly, take good care of their health, and are not even a little bit jowly. Very few of them secretly plot to harm children, old people, and puppies. Mostly, they go out to lunch.
4. We do have an awful lot of lawyers. We can’t really argue that point.
5. The Pentagon is not nearly as cool inside as you seem to think it is. The majority of it is decorated in a “1950s Elementary School” aesthetic, and most of the people rushing through the hallways are trying to get to the cafeteria before the good bagels are gone.
6. We understand that you can’t really do anything about this, as a real time depiction would likely leave people wondering if they had accidentally tuned-in to an Ingmar Bergman homage. But when we see someone get into a car in Northern Virginia at 8 am and arrive at the Capitol several seconds later, it makes us very, very frustrated.
7. Many of us who do secretly plot against freedom and democracy like to do so in light, airy rooms and with a minimum of cigar smoke.
8. Don’t go spreading this around, but Democrats and Republicans get along perfectly well most of the time. Sometimes, you can’t even tell them apart.
9. Sadly, a lot fewer of us live in tastefully appointed Georgetown townhouses than we would like. That goes double for beautiful Victorians near Embassy Row.
10. The average international spy has nothing on the average Hill staffer when it comes to crashing Embassy parties and political soirees. Really, there’s no need to bother with fake fingerprints and special contact lenses to defeat the retinal scanners. Just ask someone in Rayburn HOB to hook you up.
Obviously, we could go on, but we don’t want to stifle your creativity. At least, not until we get the results of the latest tracking poll. But don’t worry—we love free speech, especially when it’s about us.
Sincerely,
The Residents of the Metro DC Area