Play-By-Play Pain
The job of a sports commentator is to describe what’s happening, offer insight into the plays, rules, and coaching decisions, and generally add to the interest of the game. The job of a football commentator is to be an ex-player or coach, offer such stunning insights into the game as the fact that both teams are looking to win, and be very obviously biased to one team for as long as possible, switching allegiances only if it appears that team will be badly beaten. Where would we be without football commentators? I’d like to think that the world would be very much the same, only the sun would shine a little brighter, the birds would sing a little more, and poverty, war, and disease would be eradicated. At a bare minimum, we wouldn’t have to spend our Sunday evenings recovering from the annoyance caused by listening to football commentary. Our national blood pressure would probably drop considerably.
Of course, some people may be unfamiliar with the phenomenon of which I speak. Therefore, let me give a little example of a typical bit of football commentary: “Well, these are two very, very tough teams—though the Steelers are in every way superior to the Ravens. You know, I was just down on the sidelines, performing fellatio on the Steelers head coach, and he told me that he’s looking for great things from their star quarterback today. And I’d have to agree, as it’s pretty obvious that this quarterback can not only throw the ball like a young god, but also has a pretty mouth. Anyway, if the Ravens want to have any chance of winning today, they’re going to have to score some points and stop the Steelers from scoring as well.”
Of course, I am exaggerating a bit for effect here. There’s no way that a broadcaster would ever admit on live TV that the Ravens had a chance of winning.
I know that some people will point out that eliminating football commentators will put dozens of millionaires and former professional athletes out of work, thus further straining the Overpaid Media sector of our economy. That’s a fair point, which is why I think we should just give them new jobs in other commentary positions. For example:
As an Election Night Analyst: “Well, Jim, it’s true that this is a very hotly contested election, and you really have to admire the young Challenger’s toughness for taking on the sitting Senator. I’ve been studying the campaign strategy, and I think that in the end, it’s all going to come down to how many votes these guys get. I really believe that if Woods can get more people to vote for him, he’s going to win this election. That’s what his team should be focusing on—getting votes.”
As a Beauty Contest Commentator: “You know, I was just downstairs, talking to Miss Texas, and she told me that she’s ready for a tough fight today. Many people think that Miss Florida’s breast enlargement strategy makes her an early favorite to win it all, but these trick plays have a tendency to backfire. Really, in the end, I think that the contestant who is the best looking and wins the most points in the talent, swimsuit, and evening gown competition is going to be the one taking home the crown. In my opinion, what these ladies should really try to do tonight is win the different competitions.”
As a War Correspondent: “ Well, Sam, I went on down to the command center earlier today and spoke to Commanding General Stevens, and he told me that the enemy is advancing on multiple fronts in hopes of a breakthrough. I’ve looked at this situation pretty thoroughly myself, and I really think that if the US is going to win this battle, they’re not only going to have to stop the enemy, but also avoid dying, retreating, or collapsing as well. I mean, others might have their own take on things, but for my money, they should really focus on killing the enemy and not getting killed themselves.”
Some people may think that I’m being a bit extreme—that there is no need to relocate these sports reporters. But bad football commentary has had a horrifying effect on our society. The Economist estimates that every week, America loses 8 million man hours due to people posting on the internet about their frustration with annoying football commentary,[1] and the American Medical Association has warned that hundreds of men suffer strokes or heart attacks every week just from having to listen to Phil Simms talk about the importance of getting a first down.[2] Clearly, we have to act promptly to end this national annoyance. Oh, and then we should probably start on the lawyers.
[1] Totally not true. I made this up.
[2] Made this one up too. Though I did get a sharp pain in my head this week from listening to Phil Simms explain that the trailing team needed to score if they hoped to win. So I don’t think it’s all that implausible that listening to Simms could cause some health issues.