Grand Theft Auto 3: A Guide for Girlfriends
by Prue
This was written several years ago, when GTA San Andreas was released, but I like to think that certain themes in it are timeless.
If I were the type of person who was interested in giving you a line of rah-rah, empower-yourself bullsh*t, then this would be an article about how you shouldn’t put up with a guy who plays video games instead of making you the object of his every waking thought. But here in the real world, we know that a new haircut and a copy of the Kama Sutra are not going to change your life. So we can accept the fact that we are occasionally going to come in second to our guy’s other interests. And some of us—no matter how fascinating, intelligent, beautiful, or double-jointed—have accepted that we are going to spend a certain amount of time sitting around while the love-of-our-life is glued to an X-box controller. That doesn’t mean, however, that we have to accept being bored by it.
The savvy girlfriend gets to know more about what games her guys is into so that she is prepared for the evening to follow. Sports games mean loud boisterous contests, complete with trash-talking and tedious stories of past glory or team statistics. This is a good time to go shopping. Fantasy games mean sword fights and impossibly busty female characters in costumes that defy both common sense and simple physics. (For whatever reason, many of these women are elves, though I do not remember any fairy tale or Tolkien passage dwelling on elvish cleavage.) This is a good time to contemplate the fact that millions of dollars worth of technical knowledge and effort have been spent on the quest to create a virtual woman who can jiggle enticingly in the slightest hint of a virtual breeze. Maybe you should have gone to the prom with the geeky computer guy after all.
Finally, there is the king of M-for-Mature video game, the story-based, crime spree adventure. And, bestriding the copycats of the genre like a carjacking, sociopath colossus, is the Grand Theft Auto Series. With Grand Theft Auto 3, GTA Vice City, and the newest, GTA San Andreas, Rockstar Games has cornered the market on the gangster success story game. And no wonder. The Grand Theft Auto games allow gamers to transport themselves to the life of a dissolute, vaguely misogynist criminal as he slowly climbs the ladder of success through theft, drug deals, assassination, and most of the US Criminal Code on the way to becoming a criminal kingpin.
It may be a series about violent criminals, but they’re real go-getter violent criminals. If there was an Apprentice for violent criminals, the Grand Theft Auto characters would be the creative, ambitious, highly-motivated contestants . . . and would probably bump-off their competition in the first ten minutes, so maybe it isn’t the best analogy ever. But, let’s put aside all the long, dull moral issues about role models and violent video games—hopefully your guy is sophisticated enough to know that when you’re shot 15 times by the police, you’re not immediately reincarnated in front of a nearby hospital. Indeed, we girlfriends of the game-obsessed should be grateful to Rockstar for creating a game that makes the soul-searing boredom of watching someone else play video games just a little less coma-inducing. With amusing dialogue, good cut scenes, snappy radio banter, funny missions, and entertaining characters, GTA San Andreas even succeeds in making you mildly curious about the outcome of the game. This, in turn, makes it easier to earn valuable girlfriend rewards points by feigning interest in his interests and progress, good for guilt-induced presents, dinners, back-rubs, and occasional household help (redeemable only during non-blackout periods, and absolutely never on Superbowl Sunday). It may not be much, but it is a start.
Entertainment Value—Story and Perks
It’s really GTA’s cut scenes, weaving the story together and introducing new missions that make it entertaining for the non-gamer. Credit must be given to the writers here, who have managed to create entertaining and witty dialogue that still manages to move the plot and sketch out interesting side characters. Clearly, these people have no future in Hollywood. The last GTA installment, Vice City, turned to Miami Vice, Scarface, and ‘80’s culture for inspiration, while San Andreas springs from the early ‘90’s, Boyz in the Hood, and rap culture. You play as Carl Johnson (CJ), who has come home to Los Santos (obviously L.A.) for his mother’s funeral, and then decides to stay for the sake of his family and his old gang. (It’s a real Hallmark moment.) Carl slowly works his way up from small-time thug to powerful crime boss—or, if you prefer, from Ja Rule to Suge Knight. (Just kidding about that, Mr. Knight—and let me just say that I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for your work.)
Making the cut scenes and missions more entertaining are the cameos by various well-known actors and rappers. Some highlights include Samuel L. Jackson as the ultimate in crooked gang-unit cops, Peter Fonda as (what else?) a drugged-out hippie conspiracy theorist, and the always-cool James Woods playing a rogue government agent so hard-line that he makes Henry Kissinger seem like Sean Penn. I should warn you, however, that if you’re the kind of person who gets upset at exploitative female nudity, you should really look into yoga or aromatherapy or something. If aliens were observing this country to learn about its cultural values, they’d conclude that the need to show sexy women in lingerie was in the Bill of Rights. Heck, maybe it is. I should probably look into that. Anyway, this is my roundabout way of saying that if you like to have fights with your boyfriend about exploiting women’s bodies and all of that stuff, then you should probably steer clear of this game. After all, Grand Theft Auto is the video game series that introduced the concept of picking up prostitutes in order to raise one’s life meter. And San Andreas not only has hookers, but also strip clubs and a variety of easy (and rather kinky) girlfriends.
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering, “But if there are hookers and strip clubs and Vegas dealers who are into S&M, is there any good music in the game?” Well, rest assured, the soundtrack to the game is awesome. One of the cool features of the GA series is a radio system that sets up several different stations (complete with over-the-top DJ banter and comic ads) that play actual hit music. (As opposed to the all-to-common video game tradition of including mediocre tracks by B-list groups or just throwing in something extra that Snoop or Eminem had lying around unused.) So that when your boyfriend reloads the racing missions over and over again, at least you can smile at the irony when he gets angry and frustrated while Ice Cube’s “It was a Good Day,” mocks his continued defeat. Extra irony points go to Rockstar for programming the game so that “Freebird” plays every time Carl takes a plane to another city.
Entertainment value—boyfriend frustration
The play control has been improved for San Andreas, but it’s still not perfect yet, so be ready for cursing and yelling when the auto-aim system leaves Carl merrily spinning and shooting at billboards while surrounded by hostile gang members. In terms of general boyfriend frustration, I would say that the anger level created by the more difficult missions is higher than that of a busty-elf fantasy game, but not as high as the full-scale fit that ensues after being scored-on in the championship of a sports game. So far, I have witnessed minimal controller-throwing, but quite a bit of under-the-breath muttering and ranting. Exactly which missions cause maximum frustration will vary from boyfriend to boyfriend, but if you’re looking for the best time to make extended long-distance phone calls to your friends, I would recommend that you do so during the racing missions. And be sure to close the bedroom door so that your best friend doesn’t think that the two of you are having a fight and decide that this is a good time to discuss your history of difficulties dealing with men. And this from someone who once pretended to love rugby for two whole years in order to impress a one-night stand. But I digress.
Redeeming Social value
You have got to be kidding. This is the game that allows you to beat someone to death with a giant purple dildo. Now run along—they’re already picking teams for Biblical charades, and you don’t want to end up being the whale again.
Wrap-up
Okay, so no one really enjoys sitting around as a video game spectator. But what else are you going to do with your time? Take up knitting? Save orphaned kittens? Spare me. So, as long as you’re sitting around and resenting your boyfriend for monopolizing the television set during the Real World marathon, you may as well derive what little entertainment you can from the experience. So take my advice and steer him away from the busty elves and testosterone-induced sports frenzies in favor of a nice, mellow crime and murder spree. And just between the two of us, it’s not so bad to try out yourself—but if you do pick up a controller, make sure to hide how much fun you’re having, or the next thing you know, you’ll be dressed up like his favorite anime chick at the next Fan Faire. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now, where did I leave that darned Akira wig?