The Lazy Screenwriter's
Guide to Formulaic Magic
If we’re going to be pedantic, this section should probably be called “The Lazy Producer’s Guide,” since it includes more than just plotting and dialogue clichés. But that just doesn’t have the same zing, so we’ll have to live with the minor inaccuracy. In any case, we at UberFluff are very concerned that all the hard-working Hollywood-types out there get to the next Maxim party before all the good swag is gone. So to help out, we’ve created this guide—just grab the clichés you need to plug into your latest project and don’t forget to tip your plastic surgeon.
We're Back! Update, 5-13-10
--Need a villain for your pic, but don't want to have to waste precious car-chase minutes explaining why the bad guys are so bad? Then don't forget the 4 "G"s of modern movie villainy: Greedy Global Corporations, Shadowy Government Agencies, German Nazis, and trigger-happy Generals. And then, there's the most irredeemable evil and sinister villain of all time . . . the Popular Girl. Remember, no punishment is too heinous for someone who makes fun of people's clothing and socio-economic status.
--There are three essential elements to any childbirth scene (in a comedy): wacky panicked hi-jinks en route to the hospital, hilarious shouting and screaming by the mother between contractions, and (following a miraculously short labor) the happy moment when the new parents are presented with an adorable 6-month-old child, whose plump and happy face bears no resemblance to the wrinkled, angry visage of a real newborn.
--The perfect guy in a movie aimed at women is: handsome, fit, sensitive, wealthy, well-dressed, a good listener, funny without being an attention hog, shares her interests, retains a certain level of manliness despite all of these traits, and has a job that reflects his giving, yet strong nature . . . like a pediatrician or photographer for an international aid organization.
--The perfect woman in a movie aimed at men is: scorchingly hot and willing to have lots of sex with the movie's hero.
--There are only two reasons to cook in a movie: to demonstrate endearing ineptitude or as foreplay.
--There are only two reasons to use the toilet in a movie: as the prelude to an uncomfortable comic scene involving bodily fluids, or as a new setting for a fight/escape theme in an action film. People in dramas don't own toilets.
11/08
--All bombs can always be disabled by cutting one of two wires, which are conveniently color-coded for your bomb-disarming needs. Terrorists may be murderous sociopaths, but they would never be so inconsiderate as to use only one color of wire.
--Likewise, all bombs contain a digital readout that counts down the hours/minutes/seconds until detonation. This is for the convenience of people who may be standing near the bomb and need to estimate how much time they have left to call loved ones or argue with their partners before turning their attention to disarming it. There is no reason to hurry, as no respectable bomb expert would disarm a bomb with more than 3 seconds remaining on the countdown clock.
--Final showdown scenes should always take place in a factory with plenty of catwalks and ladders. Although the factory is abandoned, it should nevertheless emit constant blasts of steam, smoke, and/or fire.
--There is no reason at all why a 90-pound actress with a PETA fixation could not realistically hold and fire a gun that usually takes 2 grown men and a detachable mount to safely aim and shoot.
--No matter how many people die in the alien attack/earthquake/natural disaster, you must never, ever kill the family dog. What are you, some kind of monster?
--Never forget the Laws of European Accents: English = suave and smart; German = tough and/or bullying; French = annoying and pretentious
--Nothing is more adorable than having two romantic leads meet by injuring each other in a minor way.
--If your teen comedy doesn’t seem fresh and funny, you probably don’t have enough semen jokes.
--How will the audience know it’s an important phone call if they don’t get a long close-up of the phone ringing?
--Potheads are funny. Cokeheads are crazy and beautiful. Crackheads are . . . well, there’s a reason no one makes movies about them.
Update 12/1/08
--Need a suspenseful horror movie scene, but don't want to spend the money on another CGI monster scene? Ramp up the drama by sending the heroine through her house. Play ominous music as she does ordinary things (taking off her coat, turning on the lights, etc.). Then, as the music and drama reach a crescendo, something jumps out at her!! It's Twinkles, her cat!! That's right, it was only a cat. If you're really hard-up for ideas, do the same thing again, but with her roommate or boyfriend coming into the room instead.
--Despite the fact that I can't even run a decent version of MSN Messenger on my mom's Mac, all alien technology is completely compatible with any human computer system.
--There are three kinds of professions for women in movies: there are the kind that establish her as smart and tough (doctor, spy, lawyer); there are the kind that establish her as a good girlfriend (kindergarten teacher); and then there's the prostitute. It's like the best of both worlds!
--All sports teams must include at least one funny fat guy for comic relief purposes. If at all possible, this person must have a silly nickname and (in an adult movie) go shirtless for a minimum of 30 seconds during a funny fat guy scene.
--If you have a sports team made up of rag-tag misfits who need to come together to win a significant game, it's always best to have them experience an early loss to the team they will later face in the big game. It helps build the "suspense," establishes a villain (via the undoubtedly snobby and mean leader of the other team), and lets us see how far our heroes have come. If you really want to be a rebel, you can always have the hero team win a moral victory rather than an actual one in the final game, but this will require a inspirational and explanatory speech from the redeemed coach.
--Poor, troubled young men must have at least one kitchen table scene with their father where they yell, "You just don't understand who I am!" before storming out into the night. Girls may also yell that at a parent shortly before having sex with a disapproved-of boyfriend.
--Regardless of time period, all attractive young women with great cans were spunky feminists with a remarkably open attitude about nudity and premarital sex.
--No good can ever come from a character wearing a monocle.
--Dying mentors must never be too addled by drugs or pain to give a last, inspirational, and significant message to the hero.
--All Asian people know martial arts. Especially the cute chicks.
--There's no such thing as a boring boxing match in the movies. Absolutely no Lennox Lewis-style snoozefests featuring 30 minutes of people dancing around and occasionally throwing a jab. There needs to be sweat and blood flying and dramatic toe-to-toe exchanges.
--Anyone going on a road trip must do so in a convertible, and preferably in a classic model.
Update 12/3/08
--If there is a confrontation between a bad guy and a good guy and only one of them has a gun...that gun always ends up on the ground. A wrestling/punching match ensues until the good guy gets knocked down next to the gun and shoots the bad guy. There are other variations, but that gun will always end up on the ground! (submitted by Ben, 12/2/08)
--The nerdy social outcast guy/girl only needs to take his/her glasses off and put on some normal clothes and magically be transformed into Mark Wahlberg/Sandra Bullock. (submitted by Ben, 12/2/08)
Update 12/22/08--Christmas Movies
--Fun movies about Santa should always feature nice, middle class families in single-family homes. Little boys and girls who live in the ghetto have an unfortunate tendency to ask Santa for things like food and heat, which test audiences find to be a real downer.
--However, poor little boys and girls are permitted to be part of movies where someone needs to learn, "the real meaning of Christmas." Of course, once the protaganist has learned that Christmas is all about love/giving/family/etc., it is best if the unfortunate child who taught that lesson gets adopted by someone rich, dies, turns out to have been an angel, or otherwise disappears so that the main character can enjoy a nice Christmas dinner without any lingering classist guilt.
--It is impossible to put up Christmas lights without experiencing a hilarious physical injury.
--People who deny the existence of Santa are mean and nasty souls (who usually wear cheap grey suits), and will inevitably get their comeuppance.
--The world can always use a new twist on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. The 40,000,000 different versions currently in existence have only scratched the surface of that classic. Hey, what about a Rastafarian Scrooge? Imagine the possibilities with the Marley character.
--You know what would be totally awesome? If we could get nine more movies with Tim Allen playing Santa Claus and making puns on the word "clause." Yeah, that will never get old.
--Big family gatherings are always full of colorful and eccentric characters who do witty and entertaining things, even when they're supposed to be "annoying." Even the arguments are funny. No one has arguments over whether the curtains in grandma's old house were brown or tan, nor are there any extended conversations about how long it took everyone to drive there.
--Unless the movie is the actual story of Jesus, you must avoid mentioning Jesus in a regular Christmas movie, since you don't want to come off too "religious" and possibly depress the international box office potential. However, you may use angels, unspecified miracles, and Santa to suggest the presence of divine intervention. If you absolutely must include God or Jesus in a modern movie, try to cast a minority or woman in the role--not only will you get to demonstrate how enlightened you are, but you might also get to hang out with Morgan Freeman.
Update 5/26/09--Summer Blockbusters are Coming!!
--Cheerful, well-adjusted superheroes are so 1986. Today's superheroes must brood over their superpowers and about how hard it is to be "different". Especially daring filmakers may obliquely allude to race or sexual orientation. But don't go too far--remember the foreign market. Remember, just because bullets bounce off of you doesn't mean that you don't have lots and lots of feelings to explore too.
--Anytime anyone draws a sword, knife, adamantium claws, or any other sharp metal weapon, there must be a distinctive, "shiiiinggg," sound, similar to the sound of metal scraping against metal. This is regardless of the fact that in such cases, there is not, from a technical standpoint, any other metal around to scrape against.
--Are you married to or dating a possible superhero? Well, just because he's off saving lives and defeating supervillains doesn't meant he couldn't spend a little more time around the house, doing chores or listening to you talk about your feelings. After all, superheroes have problems like everyone else--including the ability to pick high maintenance, naggy girlfriends. A normal woman might not start of fight over missing a lunch date because he was stopping a runaway train, but a superhero's girlfriend can't cut him breaks like that. Otherwise, the next thing you know, he's skipping your engagement party to disarm a nuclear bomb. The asshole.
--If you are the first wife of a certain-to-be-famous artist (good clue: the name of your movie is his last name, his highly-identifiable nickname, or a well-known work of art), be certain to loudly and continually state your lack of belief in his ability and/or chance of success. After all, the more shrewish and difficult you are, the happier everyone will be when he dumps you for whatever A-list actress snapped up the Oscar-bait leading-lady role of the savior/second wife.
--Current events being what they are, one should not to be afraid to take on "ripped from the headlines"-style themes, including terrorism, the military, and so on. That's why it's important to stress the terrible threat posed to America by neo-Nazi and vaguely European terrorists. And also criminals posing as terrorists. Because neither the criminals nor the police in Movie World have seen any of the Die Hard movies, so it will be be a nice surprise for the characters, even if the audience saw it coming a mile away.
--Characters in movies do not go to the movies. Exception: they may go to classic movies (preferably Orson Wells ones) in order to establish how smart and sophisticated they are. But only if it's being shown in a renovated old-style movie house. Movie characters would rather die than set foot in a multiplex.
--The easiest possible way to transform from awkward geek to hot girl that everyone will be jealous of? Contact lenses and a blow-out. Because glasses and curly hair are Hollywood code for, "dorky and unattractive."
More Clichés to Come!!
Have a cliché of your own to suggest? Send it to us via the UberFluff contact form. Assuming it’s not disgustingly racist or irretrievably stupid, we’ll add it to the list (and give credit where credit is due).