The Fluff Five
Five Lost and Lamented Taco Bell Menu Items
5. The Old Cinnamon Crisps. Once upon a time, the Taco Bell dessert was not a lightly-sweetened bit of twisty styrofoam. Instead, you had a fried flour tortilla chip, generously coated in cinnamon and sugar. Sure, it couldn't really compare to the Choco Taco, but it got the job done.
4. The Beef Burrito. One of my complaints about the modern burrito is that a few superior examples of mondo-burritos have created a slew of poor imitations. And this is why far too many cheap burritos include way, way, way too much bland rice or incompatible veggies. But back in the day, you used to be able to get a burrito filled with nothing but that addictive toxic ground beef, onions, cheese, and some kind of taco sauce. Simple, to the point, and no more likely to cause gastrointestinal distress than anything else on the menu.
3. The Black Jack Taco. A recent MIA from the Bell menu, the Black Jack Taco had two things going for it: a mysteriously black hard taco shell that had no discernible taste difference from the regular yellow one, and a creamy cheesy "Jack" sauce, which was very good if you didn't think too hard about it.
2. The Smoky Chipotle Quesadilla. Ok, I have no idea what the name of this thing was. Shame on you, Taco Bell advertisers. But it was a quesadilla, with a stronger-than-usual tortilla, cheese that seemed less plasticky than usual, and a "smoky chipotle" sauce. As is so often the case with the missing Taco Bell menu items, that sauce is what took the quesadilla from "psuedo-Mexican junk food" to "awesome pseudo-Mexican junk food."
1. The Bacon Club Chalupa. The gold standard in fake Mexican food. Though, if we are being sticklers for accuracy here, I'm not sure that this would qualify as Mexican food of any kind, as its only claim to authenticity comes from the fact that it was served in a shell-like object--specifically, fried flatbread shaped like a taco shell. Other than that, it was basically a chicken club sandwich with bacon(!) and another mysterious sauce. Not even a little bit Mexican. But very, very tasy.
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