LEGO Games We Want To See
If you have the questionable fortune to know someone who is transfixed by gamer scores, you know the potential of the 100% completion. And if that’s the case, not only do you know that it is indeed possible for a human being to go days without sleeping, so long as there is a plentiful supply of beef jerky and Sunkist, but you also know that when it comes to getting the 100% game completion, the LEGO series of video games is the way to go. Because if you can’t beat a LEGOgame, then you really, really, really suck at video games. No, seriously. I’ve seen a four-year-old child who only occasionally remembers which shoe goes on which foot beat LEGO bosses. So if you’re about to send in an irate letter about how hard these games are, please step away from the keyboard and go back to jerking off to pictures of busty dark elf chicks.
Anyway, some people might argue that between the entire Star Wars series (encompassing both the original trilogy and the new trilogy--also known as, “the shitty trilogy”), the Batman game, and a game encompassing the first three Indiana Jones flicks, the LEGO video game franchise has exhausted itself. But even if one stays only within the existing LEGO tie-in products, it’s clear that there are plenty more whacks to get in on this particular dead horse. Maybe the developers just need a bit of a kick in the pants. So here are our top three ideas for future LEGO video games:
3.) LEGO Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull Travesty. Much as George Lucas decided to return to the well and milk a few more dollars out of a formerly beloved and respected movie franchise (woah—just got the weirdest sense of déjà vu there), there is obviously plenty of room to further damage the Indiana Jones name with a video game tie-in. In this one, not only does Indy’s whip help him swing over gaps and pull out puzzle objects, but it also hypnotizes other characters into not questioning the ridiculous plot turns. (If you don’t use it at the right times, characters will say things like, “Aliens?! Are you fucking kidding me?” and then run off, leaving you without the essential help to get to the next level.) And how about a secret bonus level where you can reprise the role of Young Indy, racing across the country in a desperate effort to stop the production meeting before this abortion of a screenplay is approved?
2.) LEGO Star Wars and the Infinite Plot Holes. So what if they’ve already done LEGO games for all existing Star Wars movies? Instead of moving on to the inexpressible tedium that is The Clone Wars (And honestly, how can you make something with a cool and provocative name like “The Clone Wars” and have it be so incredibly literal and boring? Of all the possible ways to work clones into a war, using them as masked stormtroopers has got to be the most unimaginative move of all time), why not try to work out some of the gaping plot holes in the existing stories? We could have a level where Anakin/Darth Vader is repeatedly pummeled with large and heavy objects until he forgets all about creating C3P0 and living on Tatooine. And a level where Padme turns out to have been “only resting” after giving birth to Luke and Leia and travels to Alderaan to raise Leia for a few years. Bonus level: you get to play as Han Solo and shoot Greedo first. Over and over and over again.
1.) LEGO Harry Potter: The FanFic Series. Frankly, I’m a little surprised that there’s no LEGO Harry Potter game already. It has all the makings of a great LEGO video game: bunches of interesting, mysterious, and intricate locations; an incredibly simple story that can be easily retold by plastic toys speaking gibberish; and a large group of potential characters with different abilities. Not to mention that the whole series can be easily watched or read in only slightly less time than it takes a redwood tree to grow to full maturity. Anyway, what the developers may not realize is that even after they are done with the 23,000 or so discs that it will take to contain the entire Harry Potter story, there are still some untapped resources for yet more LEGO adventures—namely the world of Harry Potter fan fiction. I envision it as an endless hallway full of different doors where you lead Harry and Hermione in their desperate attempt to leave Hogwarts before someone makes them have sex with Draco or Snape again. (This one might need an “M” rating.)