Second Opinion
Enough with the sympathy, empathy, and ass-covering suggestions of counselling and communication. Uberfluff presents the response you really want to see the advice columnists give.
Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright (3/11/10)
Dear Prudence,When my husband was in his early 20s, he got a rather large tattoo on his back of a tiger smoking a joint. Ten years later, we have a toddler and another baby on the way. My husband is a career military man and hasn't done anything remotely illegal since joining the service after graduating from high school. My question is this: How do we address the issue of the pot-smoking tiger with our children? As teenagers we both rebelled and did things we now regret, things we don't want our own children to do! But how can we deny our past actions when my husband has the proof tattooed all over his back? He doesn't want to get the tattoo removed—it's large, and removal would be expensive and difficult. What should we do?
—Stewed, Screwed, and Tattooed
Prudence Says: Maybe you can alter the tattoo to remove the joint.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Stewed,
I’m afraid that it’s going to be impossible to answer your question without more information. And pictures. Lots of pictures. Including detailed close-ups. To begin with: what kind of tiger are we talking about here? Your ordinary Bengal tiger or the fantasy airbrush Siberian kind? Is it rendered in cartoon style or more realistically? And how is he smoking the joint? Tigers don’t have opposable thumbs, so I would expect some logistical difficulties here. Of course, if said joint is being held by a scantily clad warrior maiden, then you’ve left out some pretty important details that would drastically affect how many pictures I need.
And then there’s the whole question of “why a tiger smoking a joint”? I mean, how does one settle on that specific image for a time-intensive back tattoo? I’m assuming alcohol was involved, but still. . . did your husband have a lot of jackass friends in his 20s? Does he at least have a good story to go with the tattoo? Because if he doesn’t, I’m afraid that you may have married someone who is both inconsiderate and impolite. Everyone knows that it’s a matter of common decency to have a good story to go with your tiger-smoking-pot back tattoo.
So what to tell the kids? Well, it is true that you can alter the joint part of the tattoo so that the tiger is doing something else—sucking a lollipop, eating an ice cream cone, waving a flag, etc. But I think you’re missing the larger picture here. Does it really matter what the tiger is doing? The basic lesson to your kids is, “It’s ok to get plastered and get a giant tattoo of a wild animal doing something ridiculous. But don’t do drugs.” Yeah, I’m sure that lesson will stick. If you can’t afford to get the darned thing removed, then just wait until the kids are old enough to understand and teach them a real life lesson: “Hey kids, don’t get stupid tattoos, because then you’re stuck with them for life and have to get involved in awkward lectures with your children about the vibrant, multicolor proof of your mistakes.”
Cheers,
Second Opinion
A Wine-y Whine (2/24/10)
DEAR ABBY: The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?
You guessed it. He said, "Giving up sex with you." I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.
I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband's life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? - Lost the Battle to Chardonnay
Abby Says: There is a problem in your marriage, and you should talk about it.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Lost,
Ouch. Well, you know what they say. Don't ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer. Maybe the problem in your sex life is that you're a huge masochist. What on earth possessed you to ask this? Were you drunk? High? Just irretrievably stupid?
And has it occurred to you that your husband might have been joking or teasing you? Hell, I don't even know you and I want to tell you that I like wine better than you just so I can see you get hysterical. As a general rule, regular heterosexual men do not seriously prefer pinot to . . . er . . . ok, I can't finish that particular pun. I tried, but I have too much dignity to resort to cheap Carrie Bradshaw wordplay here. Just fill in the blanks already.
So you're faced by a few possibilities here: 1.) Your husband was joking; 2.) Your husband is gay and figured that this was a better way to tell you than letting you catch him with the pool boy; 3.) Your husband is a surprisingly self-aware (and slightly pretentious) alcoholic; or 4.) You really, really, really suck in bed.
Actually, I wouldn't completely discount #4. There's just enough low self-esteem and desperation coming off your letter to make that a real possibility. Do you have a history of past boyfriends suddenly being deployed or getting transferred thousands of miles away after that "special night"? Does your husband seem to need some extra liquid courage before the deed? If so, I'm not sure what to tell you. Scientists have struggled in vain for years to find a cure for bad sex. But for most people, the only help lies in drugs and porn.
Oh? You've decided he must have been joking after all? Yeah, I thought you might come around on that.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Drama Llama Ding Dong (2/10/10)
Dear Margo: I am a high-school senior. There’s a girl named "May" who I thoroughly dislike, but she persists in trying to be my best friend. We became friends in freshman year because we were both hyper and our bus ride was long. She was, and is, cheerful, kind and friendly. However, over the past three years, I have realized that we have nothing in common anymore, if we ever did, and I am very tired of having things that are important to me shot down as stupid or boring. Sometimes I talk about things I find interesting, like current events or books — never with her, but in groups of which she is a part. If it has even a vague whiff of intellectual activity (except "Pride and Prejudice"), May shoots me down in the most contemptuous tone I have ever heard, saying, "That’s boring. Let’s talk about (pick one: her love life or movies, though, to give her some credit, more often movies)." I don’t know what to say to someone who thinks that "The Time Traveler’s Wife" was a brilliant movie. — Please Go Away, from Virginia
Margo Says: If you don't have anything in common, move on.
Second Opinion says:
Dear Please,
Oh good Lord.
To be fair, your letter made me a bit nostalgic. How nice it was to be a teenager and feel as though your thoughts on politics and books and movies made you So Smart and Original and Special. Having been quite the geek myself, I will always have a soft spot for the snobbery of nerds. Really, how could someone who liked The Time Traveler's Wife have something of interest to say? That's, like, a total character flaw akin to listening to pop music or un-ironically enjoying non-British sitcoms.
Not to mention the DRAMA of female high school friendships. Only a teenage girl would actually spend so much time fretting over the demise of a minor friendship as to bring in a professional advice columnist for help. I've got an idea. Let's talk about this for two more hours on the phone and then go to the mall. I'll text you.
Here's the thing: there is more to a person than the things that they like. Believe me, if I only chose friends who had my highly refined (ahem--quit laughing) taste in books, movies, and art, and were dying to converse at length about "current events," then I would have some unbearably pretentious friends. And frankly, I get enough of that just hanging out in my own mind. Instead, I have friends that are different from me in great ways--they really add something to my life, and I feel richer for having known them. So don't be stupid and throw away a friendship just because she doesn't 100% share your interests.
On the other hand, if she really is a boring, shallow little snot, then kick her to the curb. This is just some chick you know in high school. You'll have other friends. Probably.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
How Inconsiderate of Her to Still Be Alive (1/27/10)
Dear Amy: In a burst of good will, I invited my mother-in-law to come live with us 13 years ago. I honestly thought this was an arrangement that might last five years, tops (she was 76 at the time).
The arrangement has had many benefits for all of us: We never had to hire a baby sitter, and she has had company and regular meals and an almost-free place to live.
The downside is the lack of privacy that we have had to endure. She has subtly and consistently undermined our parenting principles; our sex life has declined to near nothing; and I am feeling mounting resentment at her participation in our lives.
Our son will be heading off to college next fall.
This past year I was diagnosed with cancer. While my treatment has been successful, I am conscious of the preciousness of time, and I really want my husband to myself once our kid is gone. Yet I feel guilty at the very thought of "kicking out" an 89-year-old, legally blind (but otherwise very fit) senior to again live independently, especially given her limited financial resources.
Her presence in our lives is killing me and our marriage, and yet asking her to leave is likely to kill her.
How can I choose?
— In a Swivet
Amy Says: Maybe reconfigure your home and get some elderly care help from local organizations. And the ever-present "counselling" response.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Swivet (Can I call you "Swivet"? Or would you prefer the more formal "Mrs. Frickin' Irritating Slang Term"?)--
Damn those sly elderly blind women! Where do they get off not dying when you thought they would? And apparently she has somehow given you cancer and prevented you from having sex. How crafty of her. I wonder how she did it. Maybe the free babysitting caused the growth of cancerous cells in your body. How lucky the rest of us are to have to hire and screen near-strangers to look after our children--I had no idea it was such a health risk.
And if that's not enough, she is also responsible for your lack of sex life. I can only assume that she is breaking into your bedroom late at night and disrobing while yelling, "the more the merrier." Because it couldn't possibly be as lame as her very existence in your house causing you to not feel "in the mood" for 13-some years. No decent adult could reasonably blame an old woman for their own issues and hang-ups.
On the other hand, I'm not sure how many decent adults would contemplate kicking a blind 89 year-old woman to the curb after sharing their lives with her for 13 years either. Evicting elderly blind people is more or less the opposite of "decency."
My advice? Get over yourself. Find a way to carve out more private space in your life. And maybe thank her for all the ways she has contributed to your family. If nothing else, she has put up with you, and I'm thinking you're not exactly an endless ray of sunshine and a joy to be around.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
A Not-So-Fresh Feeling (1/8/10)
Dear Prudence,
I'm a new teacher at a private tutoring firm. We give one-on-one lessons to kids ages 13 to 18. I've twice had the experience of sitting at a table with a male student and seeing the student "adjust" himself. Both times, the student actually put his hand down his pants. The first time, I was so shocked I couldn't hide the expression on my face, and the 17-year-old asked what was wrong. I told him firmly but kindly that it was not appropriate to do that in public and that if he was ever uncomfortable, he should use the bathroom. The second time was with a 14-year-old student. I tried not to say anything, but then he started typing on my computer, so I had to say, "It's not appropriate to put your hands down your pants in public." He protested, "Well, it itches!" I replied that scratching there in public, especially going inside the pants, was still inappropriate. When he left, I broke out the Lysol and germ wipes. Did I handle this in an acceptable manner? What should I do if it happens again? And shouldn't teenage boys already know not to do this?
—Desperate for a Public Service Announcement to Teenage Boys
Prudie Says: I asked my 14 year-old daughter and she said that boys do this as a confidence boost.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Desperate--
So, not a big fan of crotch sweat on your keyboard, huh? Why is that? I hear that it improves typing ability and is as fragrant as a blooming mountaintop newly washed by a springtime rain.
At any rate, you seem a little overly panicked over something that is (yes) gross, but relatively minor in the grand scale of things. Don't make a big deal of it--just hand the guy some Purell or point him to the bathroom and move on. Of course, I'm assuming here that we're talking about a very short . . . er . . . adjustment period. If this is something that tends to stretch into minutes at a time, then I think it's possible that you have bigger problems than can be addressed with Lysol and paper towels.
What I find completely ludicrous here, dear question-asker, is not your inquiry, but Prudie's response. More specifically, the part where she went to her 14 year-old daughter for expert advice on teenage male behavior. Alrighty then. Was Amy Carter not available? Is this really the best you can do in handing out guidance to a teaching professional? The psychological insights of someone who's totally psyched about getting a ride to the mall this weekend?
You know what's really disturbing here? If you have a 14 year-old daughter, then you presumably are acquainted with her father. And yet, of all the people you could have sought enlightenment from on this issue, you went to her. In essence, you're saying that your young daughter knows more about teenage boys' genitals than an adult man. Awesome.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
An Affair To Forget. Or At Least Log-Out Of.(12/3/09)
Dear Margo: My wife and I regularly play an online video game. Since I work full time and she doesn't, she plays more than I do. A few weeks ago, she asked me if I had a problem with her spending a lot of time playing the game with an online friend, who happens to be male. I said that as long as he was "just a friend," it was no problem. Over the past few weeks, however, I noticed behavioral changes in her that made me think something was amiss, so I read her game logs on her computer to assure myself that their relationship was "just friends."
Long story short, I found enough in the logs to become very upset. I confronted her, and she admitted that she is in love with the online guy! She says she also loves me, is confused and doesn't want to hurt either one of us. I love her, and the thought of her leaving makes me ill, but I want her to be happy. I also want her to hurry and make a decision because the stress of not knowing if she will leave me for him is killing me. But she doesn't want to be rushed into making a decision. — Nice Guy Who Doesn't Want To Finish Last
Margo says: Um . . . ok. Counseling maybe?
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Nice Guy,
I've found it! I've found the source of all dorkitude!
I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me. It's just that . . . well, it appears . . . at least your letter seems to indicate . . . I mean the way the words have been placed into sentences suggests . . . er, so your wife is threatening to leave you over her love for an online RPG partner?
Have you considered just unplugging the modem?
Let me guess. Her character is an elf of some kind. Maybe a druid. (I base this on the fact that 73% of annoyingly unhinged women in MMORPGs play elf druids.) And she has fallen in "love" with the animated avatar of someone she has never met. Was it the way he managed aggro when they fought the dragons of Betha'hal'axaaaaaar together? Or maybe just the witty way he would type ROFLMAO when she made a joke? Did you check her inventory? Has he been buying her equipment upgrades? Because that would be f'd up, man.
What are you going to do? Someone she has never met and doesn't truly know, and who lives God-knows-where is vying for her affections. I'm torn between telling you to dump the crazy b*tch or pointing out that if you can't beat out a virtual competitor for your wife's love, then you may well be the most pathetic person on earth who is not named "Gosselin." Are you really going to sit around and wait to see whether she chooses you over a Dwarf Warrior with +34 strength? The way I see it, you have two choices here: 1.) You could start paying more attention to your wife, take her out, buy her flowers, and remind her what love and marriage really mean; or 2.) You can secretly log-on to her character and start broadcasting rants from Neo-Nazi manifestos about "inferior races" until they ban her account.
I know which one I'd choose.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
It's the Thought That Counts. And Counts. And Counts. (10/28/09)
Dear Amy: Many years ago, my husband surprised me with a pair of diamond earrings. Needless to say, I was very happy at receiving this unexpected gift.
However, shortly thereafter I found out that his best friend had bought the same pair of earrings at the same time for his girlfriend.
This bothered me quite a bit and took some of the "magic" out of the situation.
My husband couldn't understand why it made me unhappy that this girlfriend and I received the same pair of earrings.
I have never figured out why I was upset; I just know it made it less special.
I don't know whether it was due to immaturity (I was 20) or whether this was just a normal female reaction.
I'm curious as to what you think. Did I have a normal female reaction to this?
-- Older and Maybe Wiser
Amy Says: Feelings. Men. Blah, blah, snore.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Older (Certainly) and Maybe Wiser (Doubtful),
Years??!!! Years have gone by and you're still wondering about the fact that your husband's friend got his girlfriend your same earrings? Can I have your life please? The rest of us are worrying about economic downturns and bills and fun stuff like that and you're pondering the possibility that your husband copied his friend when he bought you jewelry? What are you going to ponder tomorrow? Whether your prom dress made your hips look like saddlebags? (Psst--the answer is "yes." Especially if said dress was made between 1983 and 1991.)
Honestly. Years. Women like you are the reason that those of us who aren't ridiculous drama queens and attention whores have to spend months demonstrating to our shell-shocked boyfriends that it's possible to meet a woman who isn't going to randomly go postal on some innocuous comment or gesture and then blame it on her period. Women like you are why, at this very moment, nine different guys across the country are posting enraged, poorly punctuated rants about how all women are shallow and materialistic on Craigslist.
Really, years?
In case you can't tell, my position is that, yes, you were immature. And materialistic. And a tad bitchy to boot. Oh, and newsflash, honey. Unless your husband and his friend were buying these earrings from a specialty jeweler who individually handcrafts every piece and then destroys the designs, you never had a magic, special, unique present anyway. What your spoiled and immature self didn't put together was that you don't just share these earrings with a friend's girlfriend, but with thousands of other women too.
So, how "magic" and special do you feel now?
Cheers,
Second Opinion
The Parenting Trap (9/2/09)
Dear Amy: My niece recently caught my sons, ages 12 and 13, entering the R-rated trash movie "Bruno," which is full of graphic sexual behavior.
She was shocked that she saw her young cousins at such an adult movie. I can't imagine a worse film for them to see!
It turns out they were there with their mom's permission (we're divorced) and joined by two of their friends, with similar permission. In fact, one of their moms bought them the tickets and left the theater!
I was very upset and confronted my ex-wife, who claims she didn't know the movie was inappropriate for them. That's not a legitimate excuse, is it?
Shouldn't the theater have prevented them from entering, even though an "adult" purchased the tickets?
I am enraged, but trying to stay cool for the benefit of my sons. Will the adults in this world ever act like adults and pay some attention to the trash they expose their kids to? I see the same thing with TV and video games.
To make matters worse, my ex-wife is a high school teacher. Can you imagine?
-- Upset Father
Amy Says: Talk to your sons and wife about your feelings, here are some resources, blah, blah, blah.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Upset Father,
Yeah, you have some serious problems here. Not so much with your sons' choice of entertainment, though I understand your outrage. Or at least I would if I could bring myself to care about what some dimwit mom lets her pre-teen boys watch. But righteous indignation about shock movies isn't really my thing. So good luck with that.
No, your problem is that your wife is either a bare-faced liar or cripplingly stupid and naive. Frankly, I can't decide which option is more entertaining. Evidently, we're supposed to believe that a high school teacher is somehow unaware of the content in Bruno--leading me to ask if she lives in a cave. On Mars. Without access to television, news, radio, or the internet. With her fingers in her ears, singing, "La la la la. I can't hear you," over and over again. Or maybe (and this is just a guess here) she's totally lying to you in an effort to avoid your anger in a situation where she clearly has the weaker position. Hmmmmm. I wonder what it could be.
Nice try, by the way, to try to play this off on the other adults in the world. We didn't take your son to the movies and hand him a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV. This particular problem is in your own household, buddy. Don't go dragging me into it.
And don't think that I didn't notice that you're not even upset about the fact that your wife's friend dumped 4 obnoxious, chattering pre-teen boys off in a theater by themselves. If your sons were the same group that wouldn't shut the hell up last time I was at the theater, then I think you ought to take a little look at your own parenting as well as your wife's.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Borrowing Trouble (8/13/09)
Dear Amy: Six months ago my guy, "Kent," was living with his parents and lent about 25 of the family's movies to a couple who are friends of ours.
Kent got permission from his mom to lend the movies.
We gave his friends about one month and then started sending text messages asking if they were done with the movies.
We keep asking them, and they always have excuses about why they can't give them back. Kent has been trying really hard to get the movies returned, and his parents have tried too.
Now his younger sister is demanding that we get the movies back or he will have to pay her for them.
The couple always has an excuse as to why the movies can't be returned. The girl says her boyfriend has the movies, but the boyfriend won't say whether he has them. During this period they've broken up and then gotten back together.
We need to get his sister off our backs, because we're trying and getting nowhere. What more can or should we do?
-- DVD Deprived
Amy Says: His sister is right--he's responsible for the DVDs.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear DVD Deprived,
Fortunately, I know what happened to your DVDs. They have been sucked into the Borrower's Vortex, where one might also find my copy of The Sopranos Season One, the scientific calculator that I let Eric Marshall borrow in 10th grade, and approximately 14 million metric tons of Tupperware.
Yes, most people think that borrowers are simply holding on to things out of malice or procrastination--that they're stuffed into bookcases or hidden under beds. Not so. There is a powerful force that scientists are as yet unable to explain that alters the molecular structure of borrowed items, rendering them invisible to the naked eye and eventually transporting them wholly to the infamous Borrower's Vortex. (Thought to be in the same galaxy as the Black Hole of Individual Socks.) And that's why I still haven't returned my sister's Ravens hoodie. It hasn't yet been transported to the vortex, but it does turn invisible whenever she's within 100 miles of my closet.
As for the practical matter of getting your DVDs back--well, there's only one known way to defeat the power of the Vortex . . . surprise attack. Show up on this couple's doorstep sometime when you know they're home and not headed out. Say, "We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd drop by to pick up those DVD's you borrowed." Then, when they hem and haw about finding them, offer to help look. I guarantee that the missing discs will suddenly appear. Like magic.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Paying for (No) Sex (7/30/09)
My husband and I went on a long weekend vacation to celebrate our anniversary.
Trying to relive our honeymoon, we ordered an in-room couples massage from a reputable establishment in the area. When our masseuse showed up, she was a—to put it lightly, a working girl and proceeded to lay across our hotel bed offering her services. This took us by surprise and we immediately ran into the bathroom to discuss how to kindly ask this woman to leave.
My husband went out to the room and asked her to leave but she wouldn't without $300 in cash for her time—which he gave.
Was this the right thing for us to do? Should we have given her money or forced her to leave?
We were also a little traumatized by the event and have had some trouble "getting over it."
Any advice?
Thanks, Prudish But Progressive
Prudie Says: No you shouldn't have paid her. And a complaint to the hotel for the referral is probably in order
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Prudish But Progressive,
I can't help but wonder exactly what hotel or resort you were staying at. As a general rule, "reputable" establishments tend to avoid exposing themselves to prosecution for solicitation. Is it possible that you missed out on some crucial clues that you weren't getting an hour of aromatherapy and ocean sounds accompanied by some jackass on the pan flute? For example, when the concierge asked if you were interested in, "a happy ending," he didn't mean, "Do you want a pleasant and enjoyable massage?" Well, actually he did, but not in the way you think. And if the guy you made the appointment with was wearing a shiny purple suit, a hat with a feather, and carrying a diamond-tip cane? Then I'm sorry to say that you flunk out of obvious school.
But regardless of how it was that you ended up with a hooker in your room, the fact remains that she evidently scared you both enough to send you running for the bathroom to discuss how to get rid of her. I'm not sure how many episodes of Law & Order you've seen, but it's extremely unlikely that she was going to pull a knife on you for declining her services. Is it really so frightening to say, "No thanks, now get the hell out of here before we call the cops."? You know, hookers don't bite. Unless you pay extra. So instead you paid her $300 to leave and not provide so much as a foot rub. My, what a pair of keen business minds you have. I just want you to know that I'm not going to stop writing about how dumb you were unless you send me $400. In cash. Nope, not going to go anywhere. Just going to sit here and laugh about how you paid a prostitute to leave and not have sex with you. And--oh, thanks.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Intimi-not-dating (7/16/09)
Dear Margo: I am a pre-law student who is intelligent, articulate, caring, outgoing and fun to be around. The problem is that I believe that because of some of my qualities, I am never asked out on dates … or if I am, I get ditched by the second or third date. Guys that have liked me become less interested and never call back. A platonic male friend (10 years older and married) told me I have an intimidating personality because I am smart, attractive and know what I want from life. I don’t understand how this could be a deterrent to so many guys. Am I expected to dumb myself down and give up my goals so I can fit into someone else’s life better? I am not prepared to do this, but what can I do differently? — Rejected in the Midwest
Margo Says: Don’t dumb yourself down . . . maybe work on being a better listener or looking for different guys.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Rejected,
Ah yes, the old “intimidating” ploy. Look, I’m not saying that there aren’t guys out there who really are intimidated by an intelligent woman. (That is, assuming you are actually intelligent—which, in the face of the fact that it’s the first thing you mentioned about yourself is actually pretty damned unlikely. For some reason, ordinary to stupid—but pretty—girls love to go on and on about how intelligent they are. News flash ladies! Saying it doesn’t make it so. Most women who actually are intelligent don’t need to belabor the point quite so much.)
Where was I? Oh yes . . . some guys are intimidated by intelligent women. After all, there are some true pussies out there. But I would say that the number of guys intimidated by intelligence is completely dwarfed by the number of guys intimidated by beauty. So here’s the good news: either you’re really beautiful and guys are afraid to ask you out, or you’re annoying and unlikeable. (I’m assuming here that you didn’t leave out any crucial details about a third nipple growing out of your forehead, which would also explain a lot, dating trouble-wise.)
So what to do? Well, if you’re beautiful, then you just need to date at a higher level. Also, you can take your problems and shove off. No one cares to hear about the woes of beautiful people. If it’s just that you’re cold, annoying, pretentious, or unlikeable . . . well, you know, fix it. Maybe start by not being so fixated on how smart and awesome and focused you are. Since you’re pre-law, I feel safe in assuming that you’re a pretentious know-it-all (we can smell our own), so make an effort to tone down the Miss Perfect act and at least pretend to be interested in other people’s lives and thoughts. Of course, about now, you’ve probably decided that the problem is that you’re just too good looking. Yeah, me too.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
The Immodest Proposal (7/2/09)
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.
There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy? Should I try to forget this? -- BURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT, MASS
Abby Says: Talk to him about it.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Burning Desire,
Um . . . alrighty then. So you are obsessed with a fantasy about dressing your husband in women’s lingerie, to the point where you went out and got him the full-on get-up. I just . . . uh . . . well . . . wow. That’s really very enterprising of you. And you say that he hasn’t expressed any inclinations in this direction at all. So I suppose that really leaves one minor question:
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Oh, I know that we’re not supposed to make people feel bad about their sexual desires, healthy marriage, openness, blah, blah, blah. There’s a world—no an entire universe—of difference between, “let me tell you about some of my fantasies,” and, “Here you go dear, I bought you a bra and garters.”
And let me add that I’m getting a bit tripped up on the fact that you actually went out and bought him a full set of lingerie—right down to the garter belt and stockings. How did you guess his cup size? Does he have man boobs? Does he not have man boobs? Honestly, at this point, I’m not even sure which image is worse. But thank you very much for giving me an image of a paunchy, hairy, middle-aged man wearing page 14 of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue. Looks like I’ll be drinking tonight.
And I hope to God that you wear that same level of lingerie yourself, because it would take a hell of a lot of nerve to ask one’s husband to put on sexier underwear for you than you ever have for him. If you really intend to present this to him, I hope for your sake that you are supermodel hot and double-jointed to boot.
But in the end, I’m going to have to go with the “never, ever, ever, ever tell him” recommendation—at least, not unless you get some kind of sign that he’d be down with it. And if you do make the approach, just be aware that when he shows up at the door with a midget, a goat, and a gallon jug of maple syrup, you don’t really have any grounds to say, “no.”
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Eco-Tupperwarist (6/16/09)
Dear Miss Manners:
Over the past few years I, along with many other people, have tried to do simple things to live a more ecological lifestyle, like reducing my use of disposable and plastic products. One area that continues to frustrate me is restaurant dining.
I view it as wasteful to take my leftovers home in a container that frequently cannot be used again or is of limited usefulness. In addition, many restaurants insist on wrapping the container in a paper or plastic bag, which, of course I can reuse but would prefer not to take.
My idea would be to take along a clean container inside a clean brown bag with string handles and discreetly hand it to the server along with my half-finished plate.
Perhaps a restaurant would view this as non-sanitary, but it seems more sanitary to me than menus that servers pass around between people without regard to who has washed their hands and who hasn't.
Unfortunately, I tried this strategy without checking with you first and was lambasted by my dining companion, who described me as socially inappropriate. He says he questions whether our values are really that similar.
Is he right or am I? Note, I would not do this in a very fancy restaurant or at a business meal, which means perhaps I should have not tried it in front of a special friend.
Miss Manners Says: Why not just order smaller portions and negate the need to take anything home?
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Eco-Cheapskate,
Oh. Dear. Lord.
How far must we go with this whole bring-your-own-container trend? Honestly, it’s bad enough with the re-usable guilt trip grocery bags that sit idly in my pantry, endlessly taunting me for my lack of eco-consciousness in never taking them to the grocery store. It’s not that I don’t care about the environment . . . well, actually that’s exactly it. Though “don’t care” is a little strong. I like the environment, but just as friends.
Anyway, nothing can bring down a party like a smug environmentalist. I’m actually shocked that there aren’t more eco-smugness related beatings brought on by spontaneous lectures about recycling, waste, and using disposable containers. No wonder your friend was irritated by your breaking out the Tupperware in the middle of a restaurant. Does everything have to be a little lesson in how you’re more eco than thou? And don’t pretend that you didn’t accompany your request with a minor homily on re-use and recycling—if you’d been discreet (and therefore polite) about it, your friend probably wouldn’t even have noticed.
In truth, I wouldn’t ordinarily care about what you used to carry your leftovers home, but making a big show of it is almost certainly rude . . . or at least annoying as hell. And by the way, don’t think I’m going to give you a bunch of points for just caring more about the earth. Obviously, you aren’t Filipino, or you wouldn’t have had to ask this question—instead, you’d be taking that Styrofoam restaurant container home, washing it out, and re-using it at least a dozen times. Seriously, you should have seen my grandmother’s cabinets. There were 4 year-old paper Dairy Queen cups in there that had been carefully washed and re-used. I don’t think the woman ever threw away a yogurt container or butter tub. Of course, not being pretentious, she never acted as though it was concern for the environment that prompted her to collect plastic forks and empty pickle jars. I guess “ecologically aware” sounds much better than “cheap.”
Cheers,
Second Opinion
The Name's the Thing (6/9/09)
DEAR ABBY: My fiance insists upon asking our server's name if it is not offered when she approaches our table. I am insulted that he even cares. Personally, I do not want him asking for another woman's name in my presence. I find it rude.
He, on the other hand, thinks it's rude if the server does not introduce herself. Who is right? -- NAMELESS IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS
Abby Says: Servers should introduce themselves, so your fiancé is allowed to ask their names.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Nameless,
Wow. You two must be a fun couple to wait on. I bet the waitresses are just lining up for the chance to serve a couple consisting of Mr. Honey-What’s-Your-Name and his angry girlfriend. If you’ve ever wondered why everyone else around you gets their food before you, now you know. It’s because the poor waitress is in the back, trying to bribe the busboy to bring out your food so she doesn’t have to deal with Mr. and Mrs. Pickypants.
Having been a waitress myself, I can tell you that you are both wrong. If your waitress declines to introduce herself by name, then you’ll simply have to get by with any of the dozens of other ways provided by the English language to address someone you don’t know. May I suggest “ma’am”. Or perhaps a simple, “Excuse me?” when you want to get her attention. Not every waitress wants to have an intimate, first-name relationship with the people she’s fetching soda for. And it’s more than a little creepy to have some guy insisting on being able to call you by name so that he can get more ketchup. (Note to waitresses—this is why a fake name is so indispensible in these situations. But make sure that you don’t waste the opportunity with something predictable. Personally, I always liked “Eunice.”)
Of course, you’re also wrong. And in a pleasantly psycho way too. So your fiancé is not allowed to ask another woman her name in your presence? Isn’t this a tad unreasonable? Not to mention totally crazy. Are there limits to this rule? For example, would he be allowed to ask a female paramedic her name while she was transporting you to the hospital for injuries resulting from an attempt to remove the stick that seems so firmly lodged in your nether regions? What about an ER doctor? What about a 90 year-old woman or an 8 year-old girl? Or are all these women somehow on the prowl for your fiancé, their secret ambitions only revealed by the fact that they will tell him their names?
The one thing that I can say with certainty is that the waitress is not planning to seduce your boyfriend by responding with her name. Chances are she’s just hoping that if she humors him, he’ll be the one that leaves the tip. Though given the tone of your question, I’m guessing that you’re the kind of woman who grabs a few bucks off of his tip because she didn’t bring extra lemons for your water. On second thought, why not do everyone a favor and negate your little romantic spat by eating in?
Cheers,
Second Opinion
A Stock Problem (6/2/09)
Dear Annie: My husband, "Jonas," and I own a small antique store that we have successfully operated for five years. We have no kids and have always been very close. However, for the past two months our love life has been a little rocky. Jonas has not shown any interest in sex even though I have given him every opportunity. Of course, we both have two full-time jobs with the antique shop on the side, so there's not much time for intimacy.
We recently hired extra help at the shop so we'd have more time together. One day last week, I walked in after hours and heard noises coming from the upstairs storage area. When I bravely investigated with a baseball bat, I opened the door and, to my horror, saw my husband and the recently hired stock boy having sex. When Jonas saw me standing there, he had nothing to say.
Annie, I am distraught but still in love with him. Jonas and I went for counseling, but he stopped after two sessions, saying there was no problem. I continued on my own. I have confronted him about the incident, and he says he doesn't know why he did it. I recently moved into our guest bedroom and have been avoiding Jonas until I can find a way to forgive him. In my wildest dreams, I never would have imagined this. We've been married 20 years. Should I stay with him or get a divorce? Could this mean he is homosexual? — Distraught and in Love
Annie Says: Time for a trip to the clinic. And probably a psychologist.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Distraught,
A little antique store? No interest in sex? What do you need--a map? Frankly, I’m shocked that you’re shocked. I halfway suspect that you forgot to mention his fabulous taste in wall hangings and good advice in buying shoes.
I’m sorry; I shouldn’t mock your misfortune. After all, it’s not funny to walk in and see your husband “examining inventory” with the new stock boy. Well . . . not funny for you, anyway. To the rest of us, it sounds like the punch line to the joke about the rabbi, the priest, and the shoe salesman. (And you really didn’t suspect at all? I have to say that I can’t believe that there weren’t obvious signs, even putting aside his interest in home décor. Who hired the stock boy? And didn’t it occur it strike you as a little unusual when your husband asked him to do his interview shirtless?)
So what do you do? Well, I hate to have to be the one to break it to you—especially since it should be unnecessary to clarify this point based on your recent HR problem—but your husband is gay. Some people are ok with that. Then again, some people have been known to light fireworks from between their ass cheeks, so I don’t know that I’d necessarily use others’ behavior as a guide here. Personally, this would be a big, fat deal breaker for me, but then again—I’m not sure I would have even been able to get past the antiques thing.
However, I do feel the need to point out that if you do stay with him, you should probably stick to stock girls from now on.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
A Bustle about an . . . er . . . Hedgerow (5/27/09)
Dear Prudence,
Last fall, I met a terrific woman from the Mediterranean who may be "the one." She's beautiful and has a great body that she likes to show off, but she is also very hairy. She never shaved back home, and having now been steeped in years of women's studies in the United States, she has become militant about not conforming to the ideal of hairless womanhood. She can't wait to spend lots of time at my parents' beach house this summer. She has bought a tiny bikini that she plans on wearing, so lots of her pubic hair is guaranteed to be on display. My mom and dad are going to faint. Hair in the armpits? European. Hair on the legs? Granola. But pubic hair all over the place? I've told her she may want to "trim up a bit," but she refuses. What to do, besides hide her from my mom and dad?
—Hairified
Prudence Says: Here are a bunch of ways to broach the issue, many of which involve puns.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Hairified,
Well, I was going to start with a historical discussion of the history of female hair removal in general and the popularization of bikini waxing in particular. But, unfortunately, no one has done much of a Wikipedia article on that yet, so it will just have to wait. (Do my own research?!! You must be joking.) Instead, I find myself fascinated by the levels of hairiness you describe—namely, European, Granola, and Icky as Hell. (Ok, you didn’t really call it that. How about “Seventies Porn Star”?) I’m guessing that the hippies and porn stars don’t mind this so much, but I admit to feeling a little sorry for European chicks. There you have it. Pros to being a European Chick: It’s assumed that you’re “sophisticated.” (In America, that’s code for drinking wine and being open to kinky sex.) Con to being a European Chick: It’s automatically assumed that you’re super-hairy. I’m not sure that I’d care for that trade-off.
But no matter how you name it, you’ve got quite a conundrum before you. And that’s before we even account for the fact that she’s “Mediterranean”, which is rarely good news, hair-wise. I find myself fascinated by her proposed look. Is she really planning to spend the summer sunning at your parent’s beach house, with a tiny bikini bottom acting like the hair pick in her southern afro? Please excuse me for a moment while I laugh hysterically at your predicament. In the end, however, you’re just going to have to lay it on the line or pray for endless rain. Or maybe convert to fundamentalist Islam and present her with a burkha. I’m not sure that there’s a truly diplomatic way to broach the subject, but you’ll have to do it. Not just for your parents, but for all of us who hope to use the beach this year without having to explain to our children why that lady is wearing such a funny sweater.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
A Comically Bad Match (5/19/09)
Hello, Carolyn:
I've been with "John" for two years. For the most part, our relationship is everything I wanted. Every now and then, though, I pick up on things that really irritate me. For example, he really enjoys a comedian whose act is completely awful (in my opinion), with all the racist, blue humor you can pack into it. I really don't like anything that comes out of this comedian's mouth, and when I try to explain why, my boyfriend just says, "Yeah, but it's funny and no one else says it."
I completely judge him for liking this humor. Then I argue with myself that I'm too sensitive or trying to sabotage my relationship. John is otherwise a very nice person and treats me very well. I admit I lack self-confidence. In some ways I don't feel "good enough" for him. Do you think it's possible for someone like me to want to subconsciously end this relationship to "get it over with"?
C.
Carolyn Says: A lot of blather about trust and judgment and knowing yourself.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear C.,
In the end, it really comes down to which comedian you’re talking about and what you mean by “racist, blue humor.” If we’re talking about Andrew Dice Clay here, then you need to kick him to the curb, like, yesterday. Not just on the score of the annoying, obnoxious, retarded and unfunny jokes, but also because those leather jackets that he is (still!) wearing are a crime against fashion and humanity. If I had to choose between having sex with Kim Jong Il and Andrew Dice Clay, I would actually have to stop and think about it. He’s that repulsive. Liking Dice is more than sufficient reason for dumping someone—though if you need more excuses, I’m sure he also has bad hair or too many Whitesnake albums or something.
On the other hand, you could just be an uptight prig, and we could be talking about someone talented, funny, and maybe a bit outrageous, like Chris Rock on a good day or something. (This is assuming that you’re one of those people who applies the word “racism” to any mention of race at all. No kidding, I grew up with people like that. They acted like it was the height of rudeness to mention someone’s race, even if that person was in all likelihood quite aware that he/she was Black, Asian, Hispanic, etc.) Anyway, if it’s a good comedian, and you’re just a humorless pain in the ass, then maybe you should still dump him. For his own sake. Because life is too short to spend it next to someone who makes a sour face and says, “that’s not funny,” whenever you’re having a good time. Really. Ask Bill Clinton.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
The Jerkoff's Route to Full Employment (5/12/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a query to Miss Manners:
Dear Miss Manners,
My question is partly economic and partly etiquette, I hope you can help me. When I go to a "fast food" place for a quick meal I prefer not to clear the table and place my used items in the garbage. My reason for doing this is that the more I do of what ought to be an employee's job, the fewer employees they will hire. I think this is a small way to contribute to full employment.
On a recent occasion I went to one such place with my son-in-law and grandchildren and we discussed this. He cleared the table himself and said that he thought this was the courteous thing to do. However, that table clearing still doesn't include wiping spills and sanitizing the surface for the next diner.
I want to be courteous in a fast-food environment, so what shall I do?
Miss Manners Says: The polite thing to do is to clean up after yourself.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Mr. Excuses—
How generous of you to be contributing to the gainful employment of the less fortunate by leaving your trash on the table when you go to McDonalds. You’re all heart. But I hate to think that this is all you’re doing to help. I hope that you also remember to toss your candy wrappers and used condoms on the sidewalk to keep the street sweepers employed. And maybe, the next time you’re in an office building, you should take a leak on the secretary’s desk—you know, just to make sure that the janitorial staff doesn’t have its hours cut. Gosh, if it weren’t for people like you, how on earth would we all get by?
You know, if it weren’t for selfless acts like yours, the poor employees of that fast food establishment might have to spend their time cooking or serving food or helping one of the other customers. What a waste. They really need the opportunity to clean up your trash. Because we all know that dealing with deep fryers and wearing hairnets is so much fun. That’s why so many people are giving up their jobs as lawyers and doctors to become Burger King janitors—because it’s such a relaxing, leisurely way to earn a buck.
In short, clean up your own damned garbage, and stop trying to come up with lame excuses for brushing it off on the poor shmuck who just spent 45 minutes cleaning fries and vomit out of the ball pit. You lazy douchebag.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Mom Doesn't Like "Yo' Momma" (5/4/09)
This week’s Second Opinion is from an Ask Amy column:
Dear Amy: My son is in 7th grade, and he recently has started coming home with gross and obnoxious jokes. Some of his favorites are "your mom" jokes, and also a joke in which the punch line is, "That's what she said."
Whenever I slip up and say something "wrong," he is there at my side with a gross joke at the ready.
A few weeks ago, at a company barbecue, a minor incident happened involving a hot dog. I made an innocuous comment, and my son of course shouted from the table, "That's what she said!"
The yard was filled with nervous laughter. This was extremely embarrassing.
My son's habit is gross and embarrassing. It needs to stop. What should I do?
––Mortified Mom
Amy Says: You just have to teach him to apologize and stop doing it.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Mortified Mom,
Yo’ momma’s so stupid, when you stand next to her, you hear the ocean. And your momma’s so fat she wakes up in sections. Dude, and she’s so hairy that if she could fly, she’d look like a magic carpet.
Er . . . what was your question again?
Oh that’s right. You are shocked and mortified that your 7th grade son has discovered the world of adolescent humor. Obviously, the most pressing thing to do in this situation is to go to a medical professional and ensure there haven’t been any adverse effects from the cave that you’ve apparently been living in for your whole life. It is shocking to me that you could be surprised that young boys like gross humor. The enduring popularity of fart jokes and sophomoric double entendres among middle school boys—hell, among all boys—is one of our country’s greatest natural resources. Without it, Adam Sandler would only be known for saying, “Would you like fries with that?”
So what to do? Well, you do what every mom since the beginning of time has done. You get all frowny and disapproving and read him a lecture on his language while he smirks inwardly and thinks of new ones to share with his friends. Of course, if you want him to actually stop doing it, then maybe you should start by not overreacting, then explain the concept of proper time and place to him and move on to worrying about the fact that your daughter is reading Judy Blume teen books on the playground with her elementary school friends.
Oh, and yo’ momma’s so ugly, it looks like she’s been bobbing for french fries.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Tempest in a D-Cup (4/20/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a letter to Dear Amy:
Dear Amy: I have a friend of more than 20 years who sends me probably 20-25 e-mails a week with jokes, videos, etc.
Most of the time I don't mind, even though some of them are off-color. If I'm busy, I just delete them without looking at them.
However, last week I received two messages that made me very angry. To be specific, both featured several close-ups of female private parts with nothing left to the imagination.
I sent her an e-mail asking her not to send me this type of thing because they crossed the line between amusing and obscene.
I also wrote that I noticed that she had sent some of these messages to the recipients' work e-mail addresses and I didn't think this was a good idea.
She responded that she thought it was amusing that I sometimes watch "The Girls Next Door" yet I objected to her e-mails. Believe me, this TV show doesn't even come close to what her e-mails contained.
She also wrote that she didn't need me to tell her what was or wasn't a good idea.
I don't want to lose this person as a friend, but I find it bizarre that a woman in her 60s passes on this type of thing to both male and female friends.
She has been a loyal and good friend over the years.
I would appreciate your advice.
—Confused
Amy Says: If she keeps it up, she’s not a good friend and you should dump her.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Confused,
From time to time I wonder about the lives of people who write to advice columnists on certain issues. Not the ones in loveless marriages or with troubled children. No, I wonder about people who take the time to sit down and write out an extended question about the petty minutiae of everyday life—those complaints so unimportant and meaningless that to spend more than 10 seconds on them is a gross waste of brain cells. In the end, I tend to be jealous of someone whose life is so free of conflict and tension that (s)he’s free to devote hours of angst to his/her friend’s taste in joke emails.
Oh noes!!! My friend sent a naughty picture to my email!!! Alert the authorities!!! Have you been scarred forevermore? Here’s a nifty little hint that you might find useful: somewhere on the same page as the email she sent you will be a little box that says “Delete.” Click on that. There. Problem solved. Now, wasn’t that easy? No need at all for a big dramatic hissy fit about it. Though I have a feeling that the hissy is half the fun for you.
By the way, that’s an interesting line you’ve drawn around the putrid, IQ-slaying pile of trash that is The Girls Next Door. I tend to think your friend has a point. So you’re willing to contribute to the porn industry by watching a show that glamorizes and normalizes it, but you don’t actually want to be confronted with the reality of it? Hypocrisy, party of one, your table’s ready.
Most of all, I’m just dying to know what these pictures that your friend sent you were about. In your epic tale of the porn email of doom, you couldn’t have spent just a little more time on the interesting details? Because if it’s the one with the midget, the goat, and the unicycle, I’ll have to say that you’re completely in the wrong. That one is friggin’ hilarious.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Good Credit, but No Life (3/30/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a letter to Ask Amy:
DEAR AMY: I am in a position that many people might envy. At 44 years old, I am single, never married, have no kids and I am completely debt free. I mean no debt whatsoever, no credit cards, no mortgage, no car loans, no student loans -- no debt.
The problem is I also hate my job and my life.
One by one my circle of friends has moved and drifted away. I tend to spend all day alone and then go to work in the evening and work alone. I work until late at night and then go home to an empty house (my dog died a couple months back).
I am sorely in need of a restart to my life, but I feel like I have no idea how or where to start, what to do, or where to turn. And besides, I'm not even sure someone my age has all that many options. -- Need a Restart
Amy Says: You should get a new dog, volunteer with a charity, etc., etc.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Need a Restart,
Congratulations! You get a cookie! You have no love in your life, no children, no debt, no friends, no debt, and . . . what was that again? Oh yeah, no debt. You must be very proud. I think I have an award around here somewhere for you—it’s called the “Who Gives a Fuck” Medal.
I can’t say that I’m particularly surprised that your friends have, “drifted away.” Three sentences into your letter, I felt like drifting away myself. I do sense that you have some inkling that something has gone awry here—the part about hating your life and having no friends or loved ones was a bit of a clue. And I certainly agree with you that a fresh start is in order. Or, what the hell, a start of any kind.
A good place to begin is by not acting as though at 44 you already have one foot in the grave. If I give you a quarter, will you go buy a sense of proportion? Do I need to tell you an inspiring tale about Grandma Moses in order to motivate you to get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself? Here’s my suggestion: get the hell out of the house and do something with yourself. Talk to other people—preferably without mentioning either your debt-free-ness or lack of human companionship within the first 9 seconds. If you hate your job, try this stunningly creative approach: find a new goddamned job. You are literally surrounded by other human beings, some of whom are nearly as pathetic and starved for friendship as you. It’s not friggin’ rocket science.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
When Your Breasts Need a Pick-Me-Up (3/23/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus column (and no, I’m still not making it up):
Dear John: What do you think about a breast lift operation and the scars that go with it? I am a single mom considering this procedure. Right now, I have droopy "banana peel" breasts. Before I move forward, I would love to know a man's view. -- Chiquita, in Atlanta, Ga.
Mr. Sensitivity Says: Before considering surgery, love yourself for who you are, confidence is sexy, etc., etc.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Chiquita,
What the fuck is going on with your breasts? Before I can pass judgment on this tricky question, I’m going to need to get a better idea of how bad the situation really is. Droopy, I get. I have grandparents. I understand the basic principles of gravity. There were old issues of National Geographic in my house when I was a kid. I know from droopy breasts. But the “banana peel” part of your description is a bit baffling to me. I’m finding nearly impossible to answer your question because all I can see is a woman with two deflated and empty banana peels suspended from her chest. So, uh, yeah. Thanks for that.
A kind, sensitive person would tell you that you should learn to love your body; that no one who truly cares for you would care about the state of your boobage; and that the sexiest women are those who are comfortable in their own skin. Sure, but do you know what else is sexy? Good breasts.
In many ways, it comes down to the kind of person you are. Are you a pathetic attention-whore who is going to corner everyone you know so that you can show them your brand new tits? If so, I’m shocked you haven’t already had them done. Are you planning to cheap out and get those weird, off-putting shiny globe breasts? Trust me, that’s not an improvement. When you’re not wearing a bra, do the nipples peek out of the bottom of your sweatshirt? Then get thee to a surgeon, woman, and quickly.
And with that, I have officially passed my level of interest in some stranger’s droopy fun bags, so I will conclude with this: I don’t give a damn whether you get the surgery or not, but please don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’re going to get a guy to tell you that you need a boob job. It’s like asking if you look fat. Deep down, you already know the answer, so stop pestering the rest of us for affirmation.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Job Woe-Is-Me (3/17/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a letter to Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: I was a stay-at-home mom for many years and enrolled in college when my youngest entered kindergarten. I held various part-time (and later full-time) dead-end jobs to supplement my husband's income. It took 15 years, but I finally graduated with a B.A. in history, although I have since discovered there isn't much I can do with my degree.
After almost 30 years of marriage, my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I am now on my own and struggling to survive. I have no marketable skills, can't afford to attend school full-time because I must work in order to have benefits, and don't have the money to pay for more training without going into further debt. I don't know how I'll ever be self-supporting.
My current job pays $10 an hour, the benefits are good, but I don't really like my job or see myself ever earning a higher hourly wage. If it wasn't for alimony, I'd be even worse off, but that won't last forever. (I have three years left.)
I'm thankful that my kids are on their own and don't need my support, but they can't help me either. What options are there for someone in my situation? -- FRUSTRATED IN NORTH CAROLINA
Abby Says: Here’s some useful, if completely predictable, job advice.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Frustrated,
Well, let’s see . . . are there any openings in your area for professional whiners? Because I can see you having a long and successful career in the promising (though overpopulated field) of bitching and moaning about your life for no good reason.
Harsh? Maybe. But I have two reasons for that. 1.) I have a BA in history; and 2.) I know more than one single and divorced mom trying to make ends meet without the benefit of a college degree. This means that there are a few possible explanations for your predicament. It’s possible that you’re underemployed because you know jack about using your degree to get a better-paying job. Lucky for you, having a college degree can be a great substitute for intelligence or ability, no matter what the degree is in. Ask any English Lit major. It’s also possible that you went to a crappy college, can barely write a literate sentence, and are a lazy, incompetent employee. Fortunately, this isn’t necessarily a bar to getting a better paying job in this country. A whiny incompetent like yourself will have plenty of opportunities in the fields of customer service, in your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles, or in the US Senate.
So what should you do? Well, I think you should start with a great steaming cup of shut the fuck up, and then get off your ass and look for a better job. Since you can write a letter to Dear Abby, I’m going to assume that you’re familiar with this thing called the newspaper. It’s kind of like the regular issue of US Weekly that you wait breathlessly by the mailbox for, but instead of details about Jennifer Aniston’s love life, it has these weird little ads called “Help Wanteds.” That’s where they list businesses looking for employees. You might want to look into that. Only this time, try to concentrate on the jobs that don’t require nametags and hairnets, okay?
Cheers,
Second Opinion
When Boyfriends Become Teen Girls (3/8/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a Carolyn Hax column:
CAROLYN: My boyfriend is on a very pervasive health kick. Everything about his lifestyle has changed, from transportation to diet. All these changes took place after we began dating, but he seems to expect me to jump on board.
I don't want to! I like my habits the way they are, so while I'm happy for him, I don't want to go vegan and hire a Pilates coach.
He is offended by this. He says if we're going to be together, we need to agree about such things as food. Right now our dinner plans are very complicated and strained most of the time, but it seems to me that he should be the one who smoothes things over. Who's right?
- This Basically Makes Me a Vegetarian
Carolyn Says: I’m sympathetic, but you should probably meet him part way.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Near-Veggie,
I must admit that I’m concerned. Your boyfriend suddenly got into veganism and pilates? Does he also religiously watch Oprah’s Favorite Things episodes and take notes? Did you catch him sobbing over a Lifetime Original Movie with a lukewarm cup of chamomile tea?
As a rule, lifestyle changes can be a good thing. Boyfriends who take a bigger interest in their health and fitness are generally a good thing—though if this accompanied by sudden increases in late nights at the office and lots of mysterious credit card charges, not so much. But when I say they can be good, I am assuming that we’re not talking about lifestyle changes that involve a DVD of Tone Your Tush in Twenty! and tofurkey.
So what to do about the boyfriend whose new lifestyle comes with an estrogen spike and a pain-in-the-ass diet that sucks the joy out of existence? (Some people would take this as an indication that I don’t care for veganism. Nothing could be further from the truth. I loathe veganism with the fire of a thousand suns.) People who are into working things out would say that you should try to compromise, and that you might just develop a love for soy milk and brownies that taste like sawdust farts. Not I. I could live with a boyfriend who does leg lifts in my living room. But meat, dairy, and eggs are a deal breaker for me. I could not live the rest of my life with someone who cannot recognize the awesomeness that is bacon. And ice cream. And steak. Ok, I need to get a snack now.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Killing Him Softly With Junk Food (2/20/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a Dear Abby column:
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 10 years, "Simon," comes from a broken home. His mother left when he was quite young and as a result, his food choices are horrible. Simon is 30 now and eats only hamburgers, french fries, pizza and other fried or carb-loaded food. He includes absolutely no vegetables or lean protein in his diet.
I love my boyfriend and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I have tried to get him to consider other foods to no avail. I'm afraid that he is slowly killing himself. He has packed on some weight since we've been together. I wouldn't call him obese, but I see what's coming. He drinks only sugar-loaded soda and hasn't seen a doctor since he was 18. I love all kinds of foods. What can I do to bring Simon over to my side?
- Worried About Simon in Connecticut
Abby Says: Simon needs to decide to change on his own.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Worried,
Well, Simon sure is a lucky guy, isn’t he? Not only does he have a girlfriend who will relentlessly nag him about his young bachelor diet, but he also has one who psychoanalyzes his love of junk food. Apparently Simon likes french fries because his Mommy left him. And here, he probably thought he was eating them because they’re delicious. Fortunately, Simon has you to let him know that he’ll never be able to fill the hole in his soul from his parent issues with fried chicken.
Not only that, but you say that you’ve noticed him putting on weight and mention twice that you like other foods and want him to try them. Not that I don’t sympathize with the desire to spend a romantic dinner somewhere other than Applebee’s, but wrapping it all up in the concern that he’s, “killing himself,” is a tad overdramatic, wouldn’t you say? It’s not like he’s teetering on the edge of senility. The poor bastard is only 30. Sure, it would be good for him to watch his diet, but how many 30-year-old guys are gonna get excited about brown rice and tofu? (Frankly, if anyone gets excited about brown rice and tofu, I don’t want to hear about it. That’s just perverse.)
So, how’s this for an idea—back the hell off of poor Simon. You’re his girlfriend, not his personal travel agent to Guilt Trip Island via Naggy Naggerson Airlines. Just make sure he gets to the doctor and let someone else do your guilting and nagging for you. Oh, and stop acting so superior about your own tastes before Simon decides that he’d rather be with a chick who can appreciate a good hamburger.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
An Offer You Can't Refuse (2/13/09)
This week’s Second Opinion comes from a letter to “Ask Amy”:
Dear Amy: I'm a high school freshman in a predicament.
My friend offered to sell me a video game system in great condition for a very low price. I feel as if I would be crazy not to buy it, but after looking into things a little, I found out that the person he got it from might have stolen it.
I am getting choppy information, but from what I can tell, the person he got it from took it from his kids. And therein lies the problem. This is a great deal, but if it is stolen, then I would be in possession of stolen property, and someone like me who is a straight-A student and plays sports can't afford to get in trouble.
What should I do, and how do I tell my friend that I don't want to buy it after I told him that I would love to?
--Confused in California
Amy Says: Stealing is wrong, etc., etc.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Confused—
You pose an interesting problem and one that can only be explored fully with more detailed information. For example: what console system are we talking about here? If it’s a Nintendo Wii, then you should buy it and resell it on ebay to some desperate and naïve person who hasn’t yet realized that the Christmas drought is over. If it’s an old Playstation 2, then you should spend some time alone, thinking about the fact that you’re so behind the times in game technology that thousands of geeks are secretly laughing at you behind your back.
Assuming that it’s actually a desirable system, and not something you can get with 3 bubblegum wrappers and a quarter at your local game store, you should probably find out something more about its condition. How many controllers does it have? Does it come with any games? Is it coincidentally on sale for really cheap because the original owner peed in the USB port during a particularly emotional game of Madden? Before I can make a final statement on the morality of the situation, I need to know how good a deal this really is.
I do have to say that I’m not particularly moved by the idea that a parent taking something from a child is automatically stealing. But since I don’t know whether this is a case of Daddy taking away the Playstation 3 because Jr. wrecked the car or Mommy secretly selling it to a friend in order to buy a crack rock, I’ll leave that alone for now.
In the end, you just have to ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?” And I think it’s pretty clear that if we’re talking about a mint X-Box 360 Elite with 4 controllers and a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV, Jesus would look at the seller and say, “There’s no way on earth I’m taking this deal unless it still has the HD cable.”
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Measuring Daddy's Love (1/27/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a letter to Dear Prudence:
Dear Prudence,
This year, my dad didn't get me anything for Christmas. Usually, in our family, my mom does the Christmas shopping, wrapping, decorations, and so on. My dad (who often works 60 or 70 hours a week) has always made a Christmas Eve run to buy everyone bubble bath and trinkets. This year, my dad took the time to get five or six nice presents for my mother. I sew, and I spent hours making him a new dressing gown, which he loves. But I'm devastated that he personally did not bother to get anything for me (I'm 27) or my brother, who is 22. He took my mom out shopping to buy things for all of us, so maybe he thought that counted as his trip. But my mother has a chronic illness, which was much worse this winter, so that seems more like him taking care of my mother than him getting me a Christmas present. My parents have always been clear that their relationship with each other is more important than their relationships with the children. Should I try to have a conversation with my father and tell him that I'm hurt by his lack of thoughtfulness? Or should I just accept that he's being selfish, recognize that I can't change him, and do what I can to get over it?
--Hurting
Prudence Says: Grow up already, you ungrateful wretch.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Hurting,
Well, of course you’re upset. After all, your dad, the sole caretaker of your ailing mother who also works 60+ hours a week despite having two grown children, didn’t wring an extra 2 hours out of his Christmas holiday to go get you some soap. That jerk! He probably wanted to do something selfish like enjoy time with your sick mother or enjoy the brief respite from overtime work or. . . I don’t know . . . sleep or something. He should have known that you were going to be measuring his love for you and fitness as a parent by his efforts to buy you a bottle of bubble bath for Christmas. How could he think that there are more important things to do at Christmas than go shopping for additional presents for his 27 year-old daughter? I hope he didn’t forget to make you cookies too. That would be exactly like child abuse.
In case you’re really, really slow—which seems probable given your letter—the above paragraph was sarcasm. I don’t think that your father did anything wrong—except possibly helping to raise an immature, ungrateful daughter. The fact that you think that he’s selfish for not going out and buying you a trinket for Christmas despite the fact that he and your mother had already bought you a present—well, it defies words. I think you may be misunderstanding the meaning of the word “selfish.” It does not (as you appear to think) mean, “People who don’t cater to my bitchy little emotional whims.” No, I think a better definition of selfish would be, “People who moan and whine about getting insufficient presents from a hardworking parent who is caring for their chronically ill mother.” Should you confront him about your hurt? Well, only if you really believe that you’re still in the running for the Biggest Clueless Bitch in the Universe—though I understand the Rosie O’Donnell still has the inside track on that, so maybe you should just work on not being such a brat instead.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
How to Raise a Slut (1/20/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter, "Miranda," and I have always been close. We have talked about sex and about how it's always better to tell the truth. We have been open about things since Miranda was old enough to understand -- until now.
Miranda has been going with "Josh" for about a year. His mother found some very graphic sexual messages on his cell phone. When we confronted them, they swore they would not do anything and would wait until they're married. I even discussed birth control with Miranda and planned on getting her an appointment.
Well, I may have been too late. I found a letter to her from Josh. Some of the things he wrote were pornographic -- and they were things he said he wanted to do again! They are playing some of these games at school during breaks and in classrooms where they sit at tables.
I am not sure how to handle this. My husband would never understand. I'm torn about confronting her and the school for not properly supervising these kids. Please help me make the right choice. -- TORN UP IN MISSISSIPPI
Abby Says: Tell your husband, keep an eye on your daughter, and get that girl some birth control.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Torn Up,
I’m sorry. It sounded a little like you were asking advice because your 15 year old daughter—who has been dating her boyfriend since she was 14—has been passing extremely pornographic notes and text messages about their activities, and you haven’t told your husband because he won’t “understand.” And you’re angry at the school for not supervising her well enough? Do I have that right? Oh, just a second please . . .
Yes, and the Shittiest Parent of the Year Award goes to . . . Torn Up in Mississippi!! Congratulations, Torn Up! Lots of people said that a non-abuser could never walk away with the coveted Shittiest Parent prize, but with your near-criminal cluelessness and ridiculous permissiveness, you pulled off the upset! Way to go!
I’m not even sure where to begin here. Let’s start with the fact that you must be out of your goddamned mind. Oh, but you “discussed” waiting for marriage with them. And you believed them despite their X-rated chats. I think that as a public service, I should probably inform you that professional wrestling is fake and the Ginsu Knife is a cheap piece of crap. And Miss Cleo couldn’t really tell the future.
This is not the school’s fault. It’s not their job to keep your daughter from ho-ing around the lunch room. They’re supposed to be concerned with minor things like literacy and educating young minds. This is your fault for raising your daughter to be a slut. Apples, trees. You get the point.
And best of all, you won’t tell your husband because he won’t understand. Well of course. I just hate it when Dads don’t get the perfectly natural desire of their underage daughters to write explicit notes about sex with their boyfriends and discuss it with their mom while everyone keeps it a secret from Dad. How totally unreasonable of him to “never understand” that. I hope that you tell Dad and that at least one member of your family has the sense to threaten the boyfriend with castration and send your daughter to convent school. It’s like no one has respect for the classics anymore.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Inviting People to Fund Your Fun (1/12/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a letter to “Ask Amy”:
Dear Amy: My mother and best friend are throwing me a 40th birthday party next summer. It is not a surprise; I am providing all the addresses for invitations and securing the facility.
I'm wondering how to address the issue of gifts.
I would really love to go on a nice vacation.
Is there any appropriate way to state on the invitation that a gift is not expected, but that they may make a "vacation donation" or something to that effect?
—Lynn
Amy Says: Good etiquette frowns on asking for cash donations to a vacation via a birthday invitation.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Lynn,
You have got to be fucking kidding me. It’s not enough that you’re getting a full party thrown by your mom and best friend for your fortieth birthday—you want your guests to fund a vacation for you?
Bitch, please.
To begin with (and paraphrasing Dave Barry), there comes a time when it is appropriate to stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday—that time is at about age 11. A reasonable adult can expect one’s immediate family to remember and do something special, for their very good friends to care, and for their co-workers to use the event as an excuse for lunch or a cake. Beyond that, you’re lucky if someone thinks to “superpoke” you a birthday wish on Facebook. You’d love to go on a nice vacation, huh? That’s so weird, because so do I. And so does . . . oh, I don’t know . . . everyone else on earth. I’m not sure how the accomplishment of not dying before age 40 therefore entitles you to one funded by your friends.
Of course, if someone decided to spontaneously give you a vacation that would be kind, generous, and unexceptionable. But I’m guessing that you don’t exactly travel in the, “Hey, just use my jet for the weekend,” circles, which is why you’re hitting up your friends for airfare in the first place. So let me make this crystal clear. The only thing tackier than writing, “hey, I could use some money for a trip to Cabo,” on your birthday invitation is Brett Michaels’ love life. And at least he’s enjoying himself.
But if you’re absolutely determined to go ahead with it despite all of my warnings, then you should definitely do it via poem. Assuming you can think of something that rhymes with, “greedy ho-bag.”
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Young Love Vs. College (1/6/09)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from Dr. Joyce Brothers’ regular column. (Yes, Really.)
DEAR DR. BROTHERS: I am a freshman in college, and my high school boyfriend is at another school about six hours away. It's not really practical for us to drive back and forth to see each other, but we are counting the days until vacations when we can see one another. It is really hard being away from him. I worry all the time about all the cute girls he must be meeting, and I want to make sure he doesn't date anybody else. He says he won't, but how would I even know? -- M.N.
Dr. Brothers Says: Trust, communication, etc., etc.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear M.N.,
There’s no reason to worry about your boyfriend cheating on you just because college is the easiest place on earth to get laid outside of a Bangkok whorehouse. Oh, sorry about that. Did I touch a nerve? My bad. I was just trying to express that there are more easy girls per square foot on your average college campus than anywhere else on earth that doesn’t involve neon signage and a clever allusion to cats or beavers.
But really, I don’t see why you are so worried. It’s not as though anyone has ever become rich by filming the drunken and sleazy exploits of college girls who are happy to take off their clothes and engage in a little lipstick lesbianism for a free t-shirt and all the cheap beer they can shotgun . . . oh wait, never mind. Well anyway, it’s not like there’s any kind of annual week of debauchery that sees college girls from all over the country descending on a few tropical locations for partying and anonymous sex . . . oops, forget I said anything about that too.
What was your question again?
Oh right, you are under the delightfully innocent and naïve impression that high school sweethearts who go off to separate colleges won’t cheat on each other. Yeah, good luck with that.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Daughter Pimping 101 (12/30/08)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from an Ask Amy column:
DEAR AMY: My 18-year-old daughter has been dating her boyfriend for more than a year. They have been sexually active for more than half of that time.
Her boyfriend, who is 20, told her that he doesn't want to have sex anymore -- he says he doesn't feel right about it because he lives with his parents.
Have you ever heard of a guy that age who didn't want to have sex?
They stopped having sex about a month ago, and she stopped using birth control at that time.
I'm concerned they'll slip up and have unprotected sex. I think she should go back on birth control. She wants to wait until they start having sex again.
Could you please tell her how crazy this sounds?
I don't want to be a grandmother. -- Worried Mom
Amy Says: Blah, blah, blah . . . privacy . . . blah, blah, blah . . . responsible birth control . . . blah, blah, blah . . . Planned Parenthood.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Worried Mom,
Oh. Good. Lord.
I’m sorry—I’m going to need a moment here to collect my thoughts. It takes a lot of tact and diplomacy to explain to a mother that she’s a freak who is way, way, waaaaaaaayyyy too invested in her daughter’s sex life and that her priorities are so out-of-whack that Joe Simpson just stopped by to ask if she wanted to buy his new book on pervy parenting.
So where do I start? Well, I suppose there’s the etiquette question. So, Worried Mom, as long as the unprotected sex is occurring in your trailer park rather than his, then your daughter is responsible for the condoms and/or lubricants. Though he definitely is responsible for bringing the Dr. Pepper and Easy Cheese.
And, in answer to one of your other questions, you should know that it is not entirely unheard of for a twenty-something boy to stop wanting sex. Has your daughter recently put on a lot of weight? Developed an unusual rash? Made frequent comments about getting pregnant and starting a family as a way to escape her, “freaky-ass mom?” Just some things to think about.
And finally (and I’ll keep this short, as I don’t want you to miss your stories), people generally find it off-putting for a parent to pimp out his/her daughter and promote her sex life—unless of course your daughter is a blonde pop star with a great rack. In which case, I look forward to seeing her naked Vanity Fair cover and inevitable VH1 rehab-based reality show.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Charitable Non-Giving (12/23/08)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from an Annie’s Mailbox letter. (Though, weirdly, neither of the writers of the column is named Annie.)
Dear Annie: With the holiday season approaching and the economy in turmoil, most of us are on a tight budget.
I would like to request that my family and friends make a donation to charity instead of giving me a Christmas present. I'd rather the money go to a good cause than a new pair of house slippers I don't need or want.
How do I ask people to do this without sounding holier than thou, or as if I'm trying to get out of gift-giving on my end? — T.L.
Annie Says: Don’t worry. Tell everyone that you’re doing charitable donations instead of Christmas presents this year and that you hope they will too.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear T.L.,
Ah yes, the charitable non-gift—the number one disappointing Christmas gift of all time. There’s nothing quite like the gift that says, “Merry Christmas—your present is that I gave money to someone else. I hope you like it!” And it has that wonderful unspoken addendum of, “Of course, if you complain or show any dissatisfaction with my non-gift, you’ll just be revealing that you’re a selfish person who doesn’t care about poor people—unlike me, obviously.”
But apparently, it’s not enough to give out crappy non-presents, you want to demand them from others as well. And maybe get in a point about how you don’t want or need the things that people have been spending time and money on in an attempt to brighten your holiday. Those jerks. I wouldn’t worry about sounding holier-than-thou because if your ordinary communications with friends and family are anything like your letter, they already know that you’re as smug as three Clooneys and won’t be surprised if you take the most direct approach: “Hey guys, instead of buying presents for everybody, I donated the money to charity and am going to pretend that this is a fun Christmas gift. Since your presents to me are going to be things I don’t need or want, why don’t you demonstrate that you’re as generous and civil-minded as me and donate my present money to charity? . . . What do you mean, ‘What present money?’”
Oh, and for the record, Second Opinion is totally in favor of giving money to charity, but if that’s what you’re going to do, then just do it—don’t try to pretend that it’s a gift to someone. And if you can manage it, try to show a little class and refrain from telling everyone you know how generous you are.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
The Dangers of Online Dating (12/17/08)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from John Gray (The Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus guy)
Dear John: "Paul" and I met online about six months ago. Since then, we've been seeing each other exclusively. We get together at least four days a week. I've never been happier, and I have no complaints about our relationship when we're together. However, when we are not able to be together, I fear that he is online still searching the internet for other relationships. I've had more than one experience of not being able to get through to him because he is online and his phone line is tied up for hours. I also can't help but feel that just as easy as he met me, he could meet someone else. Is this just insecurity or lack of trust on my part? Please help! -- Wary, in Philadelphia, Pa.
John Gray Says: Blah, blah, blah, stages of dating . . . blah, blah, blah, overuse of quotation marks . . . blah, blah, blah, judge him by his actions not your fears.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Wary,
I cannot tell you how glad I was to see that you had turned to someone for advice about what is obviously a very serious and troubling situation. I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but based on your letter, it seems obvious that your boyfriend has dial-up. I mean, the signs are all there—you met on the internet, and his phone is busy for hours while he is online. I hate to say this, but there seems little chance that he’s merely a very social and talkative person who has DSL.
Unfortunately, I’m afraid that his antiquated internet connection is the least of your worries. From your mention of the multiple occasions when you’ve been unable to reach him for hours while he is online, I’m afraid that it is entirely possible—probable even—that he plays online games. Possibly even World of Warcraft or some other magic and elf-oriented RPG. Do words like “noob,” “caster,” or “leet” creep into his vocabulary at odd times? Does he seem to talk a lot about friends who seem to bear bizarre pseudo-Tolkien names? If so, I’m afraid you have some soul-searching to do.
Many people do choose to continue relationships with a partner who is discovered to have a dial-up internet connection. Though it takes considerably longer to check email or load web pages, they consider these obstacles something that love and commitment can overcome. However, combining this challenge with the difficulties of dating a hard-core online gamer can try even the strongest relationship. I hope you have a lot of alone-type hobbies. You’re going to need them.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
The Picture of Infidelity (12/10/08)
Today’s Second Opinion comes from a letter to Dear Margo:
DEAR MARGO: My husband and I have been married for a year and together for four. When we met, he and his now ex-wife "Nancy" were just separating. They had known each other since high school and have remained in contact. About a week ago my husband's cell phone was blinking so I picked it up. There were a series of text messages back and forth between him and Nancy. They were discussing sexual things that had gone on between them years ago and also my husband's and my sex life. The last part I read was about them "hooking up soon." I confronted him about this and he denied any wrongdoing. He claims they were joking around and that he would never cheat on me. I think that he is a lying sack of cow poop. About two years ago he sent her a phone picture of his penis. He claimed that was a joke, too. He refuses to break ties with her because he says she is married again, so what's the big whoop? Do you think I have something to worry about?
--Treading Water
Margo Says: Yes, your husband is probably lying to you
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Treading Water,
Yes, your husband is probably lying to you. It’s generally not a good sign when your husband and his ex-wife are secretly discussing their sexual past and your current sex life comes up in the conversation. It seems a little unlikely that they’re happily bantering back and forth about how much better your technique is than hers.
However, there’s a more important issue that is raised by your letter . . . .
Your husband is a penis picture guy! This is fascinating, as the elusive penis picture guy prefers the cover of Craigslist anonymity and is rarely discovered in the wild like this. I have a million questions for you about him: What does he hope to accomplish with the random penis picture? Does he truly believe that women are dying to be sent random pictures of men’s junk? Does he think it has some sort of mystical power, like The One Ring or something, and that’s why women are clamoring to get photographs of it? Is he the kind of photographer that likes to get the full body comparison shot or just focus in on the main attraction? Does he make you call it something in your more (ahem) private moments? Admit it—he trims to make it look larger, doesn’t he? Well? (Oh, and in reference once again to your inquiry, I’m not sure that there is an innocent explanation for sending a phone picture of your penis to your ex-wife. Was she comparison shopping? Or maybe she’s an undercover CIA agent who has an implanted memory regarding secret nuclear codes that can only be accessed via a visual trigger that will unlock the memory, and it just so happens that your husband’s penis is that trigger. Or maybe he’s lying to you.)
Why Doesn't He Call? Some Thoughts. (12/3/08)
Today’s Second Opinion question comes from Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: I consider myself to be a nice, normal person. I know how to make interesting, intelligent conversation that can engage just about anyone. When I go out socially, I often meet people and we hit it off.
Typically, by the end of the conversation, there comes a point where it is decided -- usually by the other person -- that we exchange information, which includes phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I generally wait a few days before calling, or until an occasion arises to invite the person to participate with me.
When I call or e-mail, I always leave a message, but I almost never get a response back. Sometimes I wait to see if the person I just met calls me first, but it never happens.
Do people just pretend to be interested in me, or am I fooling myself? Or are they just too busy to make the effort to have another friend? I don't understand it. Am I missing something? -- BLOWN OFF IN SOUTH CAROLINA
Abby Says: This happens to everyone, but maybe you should ask a friend whether you come on too strong.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Blown Off,
While it is certainly true that this happens to everyone at some point, the fact that it always happens to you is a pretty clear hint that something is wrong. Have you ever considered the possibility that you may be ugly? Not just plain or mousy, but actually unattractive, bordering on repulsive? Please check the number of eyes, noses, chins, and breasts that you have. There should be (respectively) two, one, one, and two. Does your hairstylist smile bravely and change the subject when you mention that you want to look like Reese Witherspoon? Does your mother talk about your, “exotic, unique,” look? Do friends describe you as, “really very interesting?” These are all possible symptoms of ugliness, and might go a long way towards explaining why no one ever calls you back.
Of course, it is possible that you are not ugly, but are repellent in some other way. You mention your capacity for making, “interesting, intelligent conversation that can engage just about anyone.” It is very possible that you are a conceited bore. Try to pay a bit more attention to the listener during one of these scintillating conversations. Is he shifting around a lot and responding with vague, “mm-hmmm”s and “oh really?”s? Do these conversations tend to end abruptly when he suddenly sees his buddy at the bar? Do acquaintances giggle while asking you to tell a stranger your, “great story about the time you got double coupons at Giant when it wasn’t double coupon day,” and then rush off to the bathroom? If so, it may be that you talk incessantly and are as dull as dirt, and no one wants to spend one more excruciating minute listening to your endless babble.
Of course, there are all sorts of things that you can do to improve your chances of meeting people and starting friendships, relationships, etc. And we would be happy to share them with you. Unfortunately, we just saw our good friend at the bar, and have to rush, but we’ll get back to you with our advice very soon. Tell you what—we’ll call you.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Advice for the Insufficiently Cuddled (11/24/08)
This week’s question comes from a Dear Prudence column:
Dear Prudence,I've been dating someone for a few months, and things have gotten serious very fast. We are highly compatible and have had no difficulty resolving the few minor disagreements we've had thus far—except one. I'm a cuddler. I want to hold my partner and be held by my partner at night. Preferably all night. My partner will hold me for the first five to 10 minutes in bed, or I him, and then he will tend to move to the opposite side of the bed for the night. At first I hinted that I'd like more extensive touching at night, and he said he'd make an effort to fulfill my cuddling needs. I switched to gently but clearly asking him for more contact in bed at night. But after a disappointing weekend, I tearfully explained to him how sad I was that we don't hold each other at night. He then told me that it's uncomfortable for him—too hot and confining. Is it unreasonable to ask a partner to change their sleeping style to accommodate this particular show of affection? Maybe one night a week? Sleeping entwined with my lover is a very tender experience for me, and I intensely don't want to lose this lover, yet I'm finding it very hard to accept that he is unwilling to find a way to make this meaningful act a possibility for us. Am I wrong?
—Unembraced
Prudie Says: Try to find the compromise between your two different styles
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Unembraced,
You actually cried when your boyfriend wasn’t able to cuddle with you all night? With tears and everything? Oh, good Lord.
I can just picture it now—you, sobbing over the rejection implied in not having your giant watermelon of a head cutting off the circulation to his hand all night; him, sitting their guiltily, wondering whether the sex is really worth putting up with your high-maintenance drama. (Dude, it’s not. Run. Seriously. RUN!!!!)
No, no. I’m sure that this is exactly like the holocaust, only without all the genocide and stuff. What insensitive cruelty from your boyfriend. How could he possibly think that the eight hours a day that he gets to spend in blessed unconscious freedom from your whining and asking if you, “look fat in this?” aren’t his after all. Sleep is no excuse for not spending every moment of the day fawning over you and meeting your needs.
I bet you own a small, yapping dog too, don’t you?
Our advice? Keep at him over it. Don’t give him a moment’s peace over his insensitivity to your cuddling needs. Mention it to his friends and at his parents’ house at Thanksgiving. Talk about your friend’s boyfriends and how much they love cuddling all night long. Read him stories from US Weekly about what a great cuddler Barack Obama is. Hopefully, he’ll wise up to what an enormous pain in the ass you are and kick you to the curb.
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Advice for the Lonely and Annoying (11/17/08)
This week’s question comes from a recent “Ask Amy”
Dear Amy: I am a teenage girl and the complete antithesis of the other girls at my school. Instead of being a guest at the party, I would rather be behind the scenes cooking/cleaning/serving.
My peers strike me as materialistic and frivolous, and I would rather go on a bike ride or spend time with my family than hang out with people at my school. If thrust into a social situation, I'd rather be with the adults.
Even though this makes me happy, I'm afraid I won't develop the social skills necessary to be successful. How can I prove that, yes, I am sitting alone at lunch of my own choosing and am enjoying it?
I'm on antidepressants because it controls some irritability issues I have. I used to see a therapist, but it was too expensive and the therapist proved ineffectual.
--Unorthodox
Amy’s advice: If you’re happy, then that’s good. You’re not alone—there are other people who feel the same. Socialize through your interests. Obligatory note about therapy.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Unorthodox,
A compassionate and mature person would probably be above ruthlessly mocking and criticizing a teenager like you. Unfortunately, I don’t see anyone like that around here.
Oh no! It’s a teenage girl! And she feels like she’s different from anyone else! Stop the presses!
Good God, the smug self-satisfaction in your letter is so strong that Tim Robbins just dropped by to see if he could borrow a copy for a future Oscar acceptance speech. It must have been a pretty strict sense of discipline (or a very kind editor) that kept you from adding how much smarter and more mature you feel than your peers too. I hereby predict that when you get to college you’ll be adding something about how you prefer to read Proust in your spare time.
Yeah, I’m sure you really prefer to eat by yourself. I absolutely believe you when you say that. I’m positive that it’s absolutely your choice, and it has nothing to do with . . . oh, I don’t know . . . your generalizing that every other human being in your age group is shallow. Nah. I mean, back in my school days, everyone, no matter how socially awkward, unpopular, or geeky had some friend that they liked to spend time with. But sure, I bet your lack of lunch buddies is completely your preference and is not affected at all by your concerns about your social skills and total insecurity masquerading as superiority.
What was that you said about antidepressants again? Oh, nevermind. I’m sure it’s unrelated.
Our advice? Get over yourself. And for God’s sake, at least try to make some friends so that you don’t end up as some RPG-obsessed cat lady droning on about your “furbabies.”
Cheers,
Second Opinion
Advice for the Timid Driver (11/10/08)
Today’s question comes from someone seeking help from Dear Abby:
"DEAR ABBY: I am 19, female, smart, responsible and friendly. I also have a terrible fear of driving. I have read driving manuals, but I'm scared to be in control of a big vehicle with so many other vehicles on the road.
I always found an excuse not to sign up for driver's ed in high school, and have refused countless offers from friends and family to teach me. My response was always, "No, I'm not ready."
All my younger relatives have driver's licenses, and I do feel I am missing out on things. How do I overcome this fear? Do I just say yes to my friends or family when they offer again? Please tell me what to do. -- NON-DRIVER IN MASSACHUSETTS"
Abby’s advice: Go see a phobia therapist and learn from a professional driving instructor.
Second Opinion Says:
Dear Non-Driver—
You’re right to be very afraid. People like you are responsible for 70% of all driving-related middle fingers and shouted expletives. Thank God you’re too chicken to even try to learn or get your license. Timid drivers like you noodle up to stop signs, drive 20 miles with a blinker going before you get the one mile clearance you need to change lanes, and clog up right turns with your lack of understanding of the difference between “Yield” and “Stop And Wait Nervously for 5 Minutes for No Reason.” People like you are the reason that I was 20 minutes late for work this morning, since your doppelganger was so afraid to merge onto the Beltway that she managed to create a massive slowdown that lasted for 12 miles.
So, in order to spare us all the pain of watching you hand-signal all of your turns and drive 6 miles below the speed limit in the fast lane, I propose you do the following exercise: watch Signal 30 (with footage of real fatal crashes!) every night. And drop your car keys into a vat of hydrochloric acid.
Cheers,
Second Opinion