Issues With . . . Top Chef: Las Vegas
No matter how much you may be enjoying the show, there are certain questions that get raised over the course of a season. Here are our issues (so far) with Top Chef: Las Vegas.
Episode 14 "Finale: Part 2" (airdate 12/9/09)
--Huh. Or maybe "Hmm." I'm working at expressing the written form of a verbal shrug here. It's a feat few writers attempt in public for fear of humiliating failure and devastating injury. Don't try this at home. I'm a trained professional.
--For the record, my, "Huh," ("Hunh"?) reaction is not to the finale in general, or the caliber of the chefs, or even the season as a whole. It's just that I'm not entirely sure what to say about the outcome. This is one of the odd situations where I'm not entirely happy about the winner (in fact, Michael was my least favorite of the remaining three), but I have absolutely no way to claim that he didn't deserve the win. He's clearly very talented. He performed strongly for (nearly) the entire season. His dishes seemed creative and clearly wowed the judges. This leaves me with, "But I reeeeeeeeeally like Kevin and Bryan." And perhaps, "Michael uses too much hair product." These are not particularly compelling points in a food competition.
--So I guess I must give Michael his due. He won what was unquestionably the most competitive season ever in Top Chef. And I guess one could argue that he needed the win the most, as Bryan and Kevin already have their own restaurants. And he certainly will liven up future reunion shows. I can't wait to see how well he and Marcel (or Ilan) get along. That would be a nice moment for a little bit of the patented Michael V arrogance.
--I confess, I really thought that Bryan had the win. Part of this was because he was the lucky one to get Jen as an assistant. (And how totally obvious was it that all three of them were secretly hoping to draw her and cursing Bryan when he lucked out?) But it also seemed like he was the most consistently good throughout the final meal. Of course, I'm biased, as the oldest sibling in me always pulls for other big brothers/sisters. (We're like a secret club. No, you can't join. Don't make me go tell Mom.) But on the basis of the judge's comments he seemed to come out ahead.
--A quick complaint about the judging: What the hell? Really. What the hell? Granted, this is more of an editing problem than a judging problem, but this Obfuscation/Twist Ending editing of the tasting and judging is beyond irritating. I understand not wanting to give away too much via the judges' comments, but the chain of events still has to make some kind of sense. When you show us evenly-weighted critiques, then the final winner/loser seems totally arbitrary. And this doesn't help much on the credibility front. This kind of garbage is what makes people start to spin crazy conspiracy theories about producer influence and secret phone calls from Glad and GE.
--One other thing about the judging: While it may have seemed clever to have a final dinner judged primarily by restaurateurs, I hated it. Not at first. At first, I was busy wondering why Gail Simmons doesn't exclusively wear dresses with plunging necklines. I sure would if I had a rack like that. But then, I noticed that Padma's hair wasn't totally cracked-out like last week, and she was dressed like a normal person and not an aspiring goth hooker. And then, it finally came to my attention that the other diners were commenting on the food. So there was problem one: They were boring. But they also had this weirdly competitive/business vibe going on. Watching it, you couldn't help but feel that they were constantly evaluating each other and letting that impact what they said. (Not to mention that in a season that had some of the best chefs in the world as guests, this dinner party was a bit of a letdown.)
--Bringing their mothers on was a nice twist--though perhaps not as edifying as the producers might have hoped. No one got into a catfight or told an embarrassing story about finding a bunch of nude Rachel Ray pictures under Michael's mattress. All we got were mentions of how much everyone loved their mothers (what a shocking surprise), and a few dirty looks from Michael's and Bryan's mom when people criticized her sons' dishes. If Bravo decides to pull the same thing next season, I hope they get the moms drunk first.
--Finally, a word about Kevin: It kinda sucked to see him go out on a night when he was clearly not performing at his best. I'm going to go ahead and blame the sous chef draw for messing with his mojo. After all, he got two of the weakest chefs in the bunch. This highlights why I hate it when reality shows do the whole bring-back-the-eliminated-contestants-to-help thing for the final. It almost always hurts the finalists more than it helps them. Kevin is the chef whose food I'd most want to try. (And I think he deserves some kind of prize for creating a dish celebrating fried chicken skin. Maybe the Nobel Peace Prize? I hear they give those out with Happy Meals nowadays.) And how cool is it that he turned down going to MIT in order to cook? My only consolation is that he'll get a lot of good stuff out of his appearance on Top Chef, even without the title.
--Well, that's all she wrote. Except for next week's reunion show. Which I was planning to skip, but now must watch for the potential bitching and backstabbing. What else am I going to do? Read?
Episode 13 "Finale: Part 1" (airdate 12/2/09)
--O.k. First things first. What in God's name is going on with Padma's hair? And the boots? And the whackadoodle black cut-out dress she wears to the catered event/elimination challenge? She looks like a really old Twilight fan. No, not in a good way. I realize that blunt, too-short, somewhat unattractive bangs come back into style every once in a while, but I really prefer that this particular look remain exclusive to aspiring indie movie starlets. (Especially as it indicates yet another resurgence of horn-rimmed glasses.) It's very depressing to see a tall, gorgeous model manage to make herself look 25 pounds heavier, 10 years older, and twice as witchy with just a simple wardrobe change. What's up Padma? Did you call Tyra Banks for fashion tips again?
--Oh, right. There's a cooking competition going on. Making the chefs do the Quickfire on the train seems like one too many twists. Isn't having to throw together a themed dish with surprise ingredients in a compressed time frame enough without adding motion sickness? As someone who gets nauseous when I have to ride backwards on the DC metro, I really felt for Kevin.
--I guess congratulations are in order to Mike for his Quickfire win. Though I admit that I lose all objectivity when something like a car is on the line. Even if it is a Prius. (I have a bias against that car, as its nice person to smug jerk ratio is terrible--almost as bad as with a Lexus.) I tend to want to award wins based on who needs the car the most. This is probably why I'm not a reality cooking show judge. Well, that and the fact that I'm not famous and am in no way associated with the restaurant or food industries.
--One other Quickfire gripe. I was really annoyed that they would provide Concord grapes as an ingredient for the challenge and then ding Bryan for using them. That's some B.S. there.
--Yes, this is an important Elimination challenge. It determines the true finalists. It's also totally formulaic. Allow me to summarize: Catering challenge . . . local ingredients . . . confit . . . foie gras . . . goat cheese . . . sustainability . . . editing games to give us no clue as to how they measure up against each other . . . sibling rivalry . . . Napa is so full of fabulosity that just being there makes its residents and visitors want to rub locally-sourced grape leaves all over their naked bodies. (Sorry, sometimes certain kinds of Californians really get on my nerves.)
--Maybe I'm getting burned out on Top Chef, but the pickiness and lack of comparison/context in the judge's comments while they try each contestants' dish are really starting to irk me. Yes, I am irked. It's because I have no idea how the contestants rate, what the food tastes like, or whom I should be concerned about. Everyone gets simultaneous raves and niggling criticisms and I just feel jerked around. Sheesh, TC producers. If I've stuck around to the 37 minute mark, I'm not going to change the channel just because it's obvious that some dishes were better than others. We can't taste the food, so it's the responsibility of the judges and production team to communicate the taste to us. Fail.
--This is (as just about everyone agrees) the most professional, capable, respectful, evenly matched final four in Top Chef history. And I really should like that. But, um, yawn. Maybe that's why I'm starting to warm up a little to Michael V. His arrogance is the only spice in a simmering stew of niceness. Collegial niceness may be great in real life but it's death to reality television.
--It's nice to see Bryan pull down another win. I was worried that he was playing too safe or had lost a step recently. And I have such an oldest sibling bias for him right now.
--Sorry to see Jennifer go. Not surprised. Just sorry. She lacked Kevin's perfect sense for flavors or Michael V.'s boldness and creativity. And yes, she had a tendency to get flustered under pressure. But I think she would have made the final three on any other season.
--Next time on Top Chef: The Finale! And enough contrived sibling rivalry editing to make your ears bleed!
Episode 12: "Culinary Olympics" (airdate 11/18/09)
--Damn you, Top Chef producers. I've become so accustomed to the trickiness of reality editing techniques that I find myself parsing and analyzing the little "tastes" of interviews and profiles that they always sprinkle in to the beginning of the episode. As soon as they focus on someone's past or home life or cooking style, I start to panic about whether that person is being eliminated or set up for the dramatic win. (Which panic it is depends on how much I like/hate that particular contestant.)
--Which leads me to whether there's anyone out there who doesn't like Kevin. Besides Michael V., that is. He's doing refined, but simple and homey (ergo yummy and approachable) food--making him one of the few chefs in the history of the show who has me dying to try his restaurant. And then there's the good Catholic, good husband, nice guy thing. So when they make it clear that this challenge is not his "thing" and combine that with the dreaded, "stepping out of his style," controversy and tell me about his home life . . . it's like they're trying to give us Kevin fans a heart attack.
--Interesting that they went quite this heavy with the challenge. It makes me wonder whether they picked it based precisely on the group of potential finalists in this season. (It's generally agreed that this is the strongest final group of any season of the show.) I just really can't imagine some of the previous seasons coming even close to being able to pull off something as difficult as a mini Bocuse d'Or challenge.
--I've never eaten at any of Thomas Keller's restaurant. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't burn hundred dollar bills for fuel. So I can't speak to how well he measures up to his incredible reputation. But I do know that foodies around the country are going to lock themselves in the bedroom with a vat of lotion and a copy of The French Laundry cookbook after this episode, so I don't feel any need to slobber over Keller here.
--The editing of the judging/tasting table made me a little crazy. I know that one could argue that we're dealing with a high level of performance that requires higher levels of criticism. But the way they cut together the tasting made it impossible to get a feel for how good or bad anything may be. I've nothing against building drama, but spending the whole episode being jerked around is annoying.
--If only Michael V. could refrain from being a dickhead about Kevin's food, then I could be a real fan of his. Other than his weird competitive grudge, I don't particularly mind his cocky arrogance. Then again, I have a thing for arrogant men. But there's a fine line between being charmingly arrogant and being a bit of a jerk, and Michael isn't all that good at keeping his balance. His brother, on the other hand, gets full points for being a gracious competitor. (Among my other biases is one for oldest children with occasionally obnoxious siblings. I won't say why, as my younger sisters occasionally read this.)
--If the goal of a teaser movie commercial is to raise my interest in your movie, than the new Avatar commercials are an epic fail. The movie looks cheesy and goofy as hell. When your CGI looks obvious and silly on my TV at home, you have a major problem.
--I don't understand why they would saddle the chefs with such a difficult challenge and give them so little time. I know that it's supposed to be a competition with curve balls, but when we're down to the last elimination before the finals, why not just let the chefs have enough time for once? The drama of watching people panic as time runs out is kind of old now, the (what?) twelfth time we've seen it. (More if you count Quickfires.)
--I'm not sure what to say about the winner and the eliminated contestant. I like Kevin, and was glad to see him win again. And I think Eli was probably the weakest of the remaining chefs, so it's not exactly an injustice for him to leave. But the weird hyper-criticism of the judges' table makes it hard to know how justified either the win or the loss was. Kevin gets ripped for being too simple and merely executing well (but below his capability) and then walks away with the win. Bryan (and Michael and Jenn too) all get picked apart for one part of their dish, but are praised for showing more technique or ambition than others. Considering that the prize for winning included a seat on the next Bocuse D'Or team for the US, I thought that technique and creativity would count for more here. You know, there's a big difference between creating drama and just confusing the hell out of people. And apparently, the editor of this episode went to the Michael Bay School of Crappy Storytelling.
Episode 11: "Strip Around the World" (airdate 11/11/09)
--The girl in me cannot help but be distracted by the staginess of this episode's Quickfire. Yes, every season involves some kind of breakfast challenge. And every season involves at least one opportunity to be a little suggestive about Padma's wardrobe or setting. And I can't blame them for feeling that having Nigella Lawson on the show was a great opportunity for a suggestiveness two-fer. But I simply cannot go on to discuss the rest of the episode without pointing out that their make-up/hair/plush robe/perfectly arranged bedclothes look was just a bit much. I don't expect them to actually serve her breakfast as she wakes up, but the effect was weird--a little too much like talking to a woman in full make-up and an evening gown who tells you she just, "threw something on," to go to the grocery store.
--Okay, one more girl complaint: Years ago, Vogue magazine decided to pay lip service to the oft-voiced complaint that fashion is too skewed to anorexic waifs by producing an issue that was supposed to tell us how to look good at any size, any figure. And they proved their broad-mindedness by using Nigella Lawson as their big/curvy woman. This still annoys me.
--Oh, right, the actual cooking. All this breakfast, and yet so little bacon. How disappointing. Eli's breakfast interpretation of a Reuben seemed appealing and interesting, so it was nice to see him grab the win. Honestly, I'm surprised that Jennifer didn't get more of a reaction from her creamed chipped beef (a.k.a. "shit on a shingle"). I'm not sure if there is a way to make that dish not look like something the dog threw up, but I do know that Jennifer certainly didn't find it. That stuff could taste like heaven on a plate, and I would still be afraid to eat it. It's not exactly a coincidence that it has such an unappetizing name. Why on earth did Jennifer think that this was a good dish for a Top Chef challenge?
--I thought that the Elimination Challenge (creating dishes inspired by various theme-heavy casinos) had a lot of potential, and for the most part, the chefs rose to the occasion. Michael actually turned out a dish that I would actually want to eat (rather than just admire or be impressed by). A gourmet buffalo wing is an idea whose time had come. As for Bryan, I'm just glad that he did well. After we spent so much of the episode hearing about his son, I was certain he was going to bomb and go home. Curse you, tricky Bravo editors!
--Oh, Toby, Toby, Toby. I've tried so hard to defend you in the past. I don't automatically hate the fact that you attempt to make "witty" observations. But it would be better if you didn't deliver them with a heavy thud that suggests you wrote them out earlier in your hotel room and have been carrying them in your shirt pocket, waiting for the appropriate moment to use them. Maybe it was Nigella's influence, but it was like Toby took three steps backwards into annoying, overly-vague-and-previous Brit Mode.
--Well, I think we all knew that Robyn was doomed either this episode or the next, so the fact that she has finally been sent home wasn't exactly the surprise of the century. For all the drama that surrounded her up to now, her departure was surprisingly low-key. (Thank goodness.) I will say that (based on the judge's comments) I expected Eli to be the one packing his knives, as his Circus Floor Sweepings Soup (candy apple, peanuts, and popcorn in a soup? Is it meant to evoke the time you went to the circus, ate too much junk food, and got sick on the drive home?) seemed to be the judge's least favorite. But I can't really complain about the elimination, seeing as Robin has earned it many times over at this point.
--Ooooh. Thomas Keller is in next week's episode. That strange sound you hear is the collective orgasm of a thousand foodie blog entries.
Reunion Episode: Top Chef All Stars Dinner
--As a general rule, I'm not a fan of reunion episodes. To me, they feel like nothing more than filler--a way to draw out one more episode in the season. So, I wasn't overly thrilled to see another reunion show tonight. (Sometimes, I feel like Bravo should just change their motto to, "Bravo: Food, Fashion, Materialistic Bitches, and constant Reunion Episodes.") I will allow that doing a mix of people from different seasons made it more interesting than the general reunion episode. At least, I felt that way until I realized that I was going to have to reference all these people from previous seasons whom even those of us who have watched religiously can hardly remember. Great.
--Who would have thought that, among the over-used names in the Top Chef run, "Dale" would be one of the more confusing entries? Ok, so here's my best description of who was at the reunion: Harold and "I'm not your bitch, bitch" Tiffani from Season 1; Ilan (the Saffron Imitator) and Marcel (the Foam King with the Wolverine hairdo) from Season 2; Dale (the white gay one, not the Asian one), Casey (cute surprise finalist), and Hung (Mr. Speedy) from season 3; Richard Blais (fauxhawk who surprisingly didn't win his season) and Lisa (horrible, frowny finalist that everyone hated) from Season 4; and Carla (Hootie Hoo), Stefan (Euro Lesbian Ladies Man), and Fabio (couldn't be more stereotypically Italian if he constantly did that little finger-kiss thing) from Season 5.
--Somehow, while all the other chefs get wrangled into cooking dinner for the group in a relaxed "challenge" thing, Fabio got to just be the host of the whole affair. How'd he pull that off? Maybe it's just that he's the only one whom we could plausibly imagine wanting to host a gathering of these people. There's certainly a camaraderie among the Chefs--like you get among any group who have been through the same difficult experience--but it's pretty clear that they wouldn't necessarily choose to spend time together without money or PR on the line.
--Poor Marcel. It's pretty obvious that he could not be more sick of discussing the infamous head-shaving incident. And who can blame him? He's famous for making foams, being awkwardly pretentious, and getting wrestled to the floor by his fellow contestants in a prank-gone-wrong. If your public persona was defined by being embarrassed on national television, you'd get a little prickly about it too. Of course, he doesn't help things by being a bit of a dick.
--It is interesting to see the little hints of true personality that come out in the reunion episode. I think better of Tiffani for recognizing why she appeared bitchy in her season and owning that. Anyone who still thinks that Stefan is an arrogant jerk is terrible at reading between the lines. And seeing how competitive Richard Blais is only makes it more surprising that he didn't win. Oh, and seeing Fabio lay down the smack on everyone getting tetchy about the questions he had to ask? Priceless.
--Well, without any judges around, we didn't get any particular insight into the judging process or how the chefs stack up against each other. But going purely on their peer's reactions, it looks like the stand-outs are Blais, Marcel, and Hung. Which is pretty much what you'd expect. Though I'd like to see how this season's Brothers V and Kevin measure up against the past stars too.
Episode 10 "Meat Natalie" (airdate 10/28/09)
--I'm a little disappointed in the efforts most of the Chefs put into the Quickfire today. And it had the potential of being interesting and fun, too--making dishes inspired by television shows. And it wasn't like they had strange, difficult-to-pair shows like Heroes or Lost or Emeril. Cheers? The Sopranos? Seinfeld? These have pretty obvious food connections. (And it was nice to see Kevin get right back on the horse after last week's problems. Granted he had maybe the easiest inspirations--The Sopranos--but still.)
--And I just have to say that if you don't watch TV, don't announce that to us like you deserve some kind of medal for that fact. Especially when you're currently a contestant in a reality TV contest. Sure, there are some people out there who will be very impressed by your non-TV watching attempt at sophistication. But none of those people are watching you say it.
--And then, to contrast with the fun and interesting Quickfire, we get the soul-deadening "fun" of a vegetarian cooking challenge. Hooray. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian--knock yourself out if that's what you want to do. But when we get a vegetarian challenge, it's a guarantee that we're going to hear approximately 100 times about how flavorful everything is and how you don't need meat for things to be good/filling/whatever. Right. That's why you feel the need to mention these things every 10 seconds. Sure, that asparagus salad might be fantastic. But you know what would make it better? A steak.
--So this is probably my non-vegetarian-ness coming through, but what a yawn this challenge was. Generally, there are at least a few dishes that leave me wishing I could be there eating too. This time, the win went home with Kevin (congrats again!) for . . . a plate of kale. Now, it might be the best damn kale that anyone has ever made in the history of the universe. But still. Kale.
--The producers must have agreed with me on the boringness, by the way, as we spent less time reviewing the food than parsing the tortured penis joke that Padma, Padme, and company were beating to death at the table. (And yes, Eli gained some of my esteem by pointing out that the only important thing guest judge Natalie Portman ever did was Star Wars--which, to be fair, is pretty important.)
--I can't be the only one who breathed a little sigh of self-satisfaction to see Mike I. go home. He has actually been off my radar for awhile, but this episode really brought home how obnoxious he can be. The judges totally nailed his arrogance about how--while he might have had a bad dish--he didn't believe that he could be sent home for it. It's hard not to laugh a bit about that tasty little dose of comeuppance. Especially when it was followed by his rant about how Robin should have left over him. Hey, I have no problem saying that, in general, Mike is a better cook than her. But I guess he wasn't for this challenge, huh, Mike? So quit yer crying and pack your knives.
Episode 9 "Restaurant Wars" (airdate 10/21/09)
--The blindfold Quickfire? Best. Quickfire. Ever. Of course, that may be that I'm just too used to the mise-en-place relay by now (the previous best Quickfire), but I really loved the idea and the tension of cooking a dish in the same manner of those group stories that you had to write when your English teacher was bored and wanted you all to sit quietly so that he could read the newspaper. The only difference being that when you had to do relay stories in English class, it was all about sabotaging the next person by sending somewhere bizarre. Whereas in cooking, you actually have to respect the team effort involved and specifically not screw your teammate by introducing zombie vampires (culinarily speaking) to the story.
--You gotta love it when they make some effort to fix the historical problems with restaurant wars. For years now, we've been subject to horrible design choices (scented candles, Madonna's brother as a consultant, weird, Pier-One-inspired "Generic World Traveler" themes). Finally, they've disposed with the need to show us the cheftestants debating the relative merits of silk flowers and addressed the danger of working Front of House by giving the FOH member a dish to cook. This doesn't mean, of course, that people won't find something else to bitch about in the format, but kudos for trying, Bravo.
--Current food thing I'm sick of: "Seasonality." Why do we have to act as though it's such a trendy and revolutionary concept that you're cooking things that are in season? Oh, and it's kind of BS at the same time. Seasonality only works if you're in a reasonably temperate zone. Eat seasonally in some parts of the country, and you're not going to see anything green for most of the year. Yum.
--Admittedly, Revolt is a slightly unfortunate name for a restaurant, but I don't really see the point in making an issue of the restaurant names. Mission isn't exactly setting the world on fire either. Frankly, if I only had one day to open a restaurant, I would give naming it all of about 45 seconds.
--I admit that I wondered whether keeping the Volt brothers together is a good or bad move. Competitive siblings could be an awesome team or an awesome disaster. Turns out that for all of their bickering and game-playing, the Brothers V are actually a strong team, even weathering the inevitable Robin problems. (For the record, I'm generally on Robin's side when it comes to the mob mentality in the house, but in this--more than any episode previously--you could see why everyone is so annoyed with her. In the most high pressure, team-centric competition, where personal conflict can send your restaurant down in flames, she still can't keep from starting drama with her teammates. Mostly via misplaced bitching and fighting about her position on the team. Even Eli managed to put aside his annoying quirks for this challenge, so the whining did not reflect well on her.)
--Credit to Revolt. Best Restaurant Wars restaurant ever--great compliment. Of course, given the history of this particular challenge, it's hard to figure exactly what that means. But the judges seemed generally pleased with the meal, which may well be a Top Chef first.
--Ok, how awesome of Mike V to split the $10K prize with his whole team. Very, very cool. Kind of funny how the sibling rivalry couldn't be suppressed any longer once the contest was over. Not Bryan's most gracious moment, spurning his brother's offer to share his prize, but there's such obvious history between them that I'm not going to go all judge-y on him here. And that has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I'm an oldest sibling myself. Ahem.
--After so many seasons where being the Executive Chef on the losing team was the kiss of death, we finally get a season where not having an Executive Chef on your team turns out to be a huge mistake. And after we've seen Jennifer C. do a great EC job in earlier challenges. I thought for sure she or Kevin would step up and take charge on this. Or maybe Mike I. Anyone but Laurine, really. It's a surprise to see such solid, consistent chefs (and here, I'm talking about Kevin and Jenn again--most definitely not Laurine) make so many mistakes.
--Given the above paragraph, it obviously wasn't a huge surprise to see Laurine get the boot. Absent a spectacular meltdown from one of the top four, it was going to be either Laurine or Robin packing their knives, depending on what team ended up on the bottom. I'd like to have more to say about Laurine's departure, but frankly, I don't have much of an impression of her despite the fact that she lasted this long. Kind of a nonentity, really, she only made it this far because someone always sucked a little bit more.
Episode 8 "Pigs & Pinot" (airdate 10/14/09)
--Ahhh, commercial tie-ins. As a general rule, I don't mind them much--even when we have to linger lovingly on the GE logo whenever someone walks over to the oven or fridge. (This is especially funny when they add in the GE tie-in right after someone has had an equipment failure. "This disaster in spoiled food is brought to you by GE Monogram cookware. GE. When it absolutely, positively has to cause food poisoning by tonight.") Still, this was a kind of random commercial Quickfire. Not so much because they had to use pre-packaged snack food. (I kind of dig those weird challenges.) More because they had to pair pre-packaged snack food with another dish. It was potato chips and onion rings. You know what they pair with? A hoagie.
--Oh noes! It's drama. I guess I'm surprised that this previously deadly dull group of people managed to summon up enough personality to get pissy with each other. Unfortunately, pissy is the right word. Of all the lame, nasty, immature spats. As far as I can tell, Eli & Co. are annoyed at Robin for talking a lot and being old. And Robin is annoyed because it's so clear that they dislike her. I can see how she might be irritating company on a day-in, day-out basis--but then again, I dislike most people, so I can see that in almost everyone.
--Don't get me wrong . . . I like wine. I like it a lot. And I have no problem with the fact that people get really fussy about it and swirl it around and sniff it and talk about hints of oak and the fact that the vineyard is obviously next to a fresh-water spring tended to by beautiful virgins. Whatever floats your boat, dude. But when people (and by "people" I mean "Eli") get all snooty about other people's taste in wine, that's when I get irritated. Who cares if someone loves Gallo by the box. If they're not making you drink it, then it's really none of your damned concern.
--And Kevin wins another one. That guy is en fuego. After this, he has to be the odds-on favorite to win it all. Unless, of course, he chokes in the finals, Richard Blais style. (That might seem mean, but even Blais admits that he choked.)
--And farewell to Ash, which is completely unsurprising in every way. Lately, it has been obvious that Ash was on borrowed time. And while I'll miss his wit (which grew on me after awhile) and his self-defeating tendency to discard his ideas for much worse ones and then describe the better dish to the disappointed judges, I'm kind of happy that Eli's negativity against Robin was defeated by her continued presence on the show. Right now, I'm kind of hoping that she'll outlast him.
Episode 7 "Dinner Party" (airdate 10/7/09)
--Enough about umami already. The culinary world will just not shut up about friggin' umami. I think they just like saying it . . . "oooooo-mommy." It is fun to pronounce. Umami is the chipotle of flavor profiles.
--I'm really liking Kevin right now, so it was cool to see him win the Quickfire. And smart for him to take $15K over immunity. I would have done the same thing. Though not, I confess for the same reasons. Kevin can feel confident that he would succeed in the elimination challenge and has a good chance of winning the whole thing. I know that I would be there through pure luck and have no chance of winning the whole thing and a good chance of getting eliminated immediately, so I'd grab the money and run.
--Ah, the team challenge. Interesting how some teams are just an obvious success from the start--could there be any doubt that Kevin and Jennifer were going to win (at least in the absence of a Volt Bros team)? And then, some teams are just destined for disaster.
--Speaking of disaster, could Mike Isabella have been any more of an ass in this challenge? I will grant that he is almost certainly a better chef than Robin. But his attitude and arrogance--not to mention his unwillingness to utilize any of her strengths or knowledge--are what prevent him from being a great chef. Or at least prevent him from not being a douchebag. It's actually kind of shocking that (after all the nastiness he spewed and the clear problems with them as a team) their dish actually turned out ok.
--Hmmmm. Could it be possible that Macy's might have had a bit of corporate sponsorship in this episode. Just a little bit. A few bucks worth. I wonder what the going rate is for having the hosts mention your name every 15 seconds and draping things in your corporate logo?
--It's a little old and repetitive to hear Colicchio challenge everyone who expresses any self-doubt or admiration of others with questions about whether they want to be there. Talk about your tired reality conventions. Cool it, Tyra. Is Ash not "fierce" enough for you just because he admires Michael V?
--Though I've never been a fan of hers, I was a little sad to see Ashley go. At least, instead of the thoroughly obnoxious Eli or the addled and mistake-prone Ash. She has calmed down a little in the last few episodes, has been doing better, and (I really feel the need to stress this) wasn't nearly as annoying as Eli.
Episode 6 "Penn & Teller" (airdate 9/23/09)
--I know it is a touching gesture to see all the remaining cheftestants wearing Mattin neckerchiefs. But I continue to be amazed by the sheer number of them. Was he thinking he needed a new neckerchief for every possible competition day . . . all the way to the finals? Is there a reason why he couldn't just wash and re-use them? And why are they so crisp and starched? I have this vision of Frenchie staying up late the night before his flight to Vegas to start the competition, ironing scarf after scarf.
--What a nice vindication for Robin to win the angel-devil Quickfire. Especially while she's getting the "You should have been the one eliminated" stare from the other contestants.
--It was not so great too see the return of Top Scallop in the Quickfire. There's something about small portions and limited time that just sends the contestants of this show scurrying to the scallop bin. I can see how it's an obvious choice, but that's kind of the problem with it, from a judging perspective.
--I love Penn & Teller. Their show is funny as hell, and at its best when it takes on flakey leftist New Age-y types. Sure, they cheat a little sometimes for humor over hard logic, but it's still a refreshing Libertarian breeze in a world of stuffy moderate-left journalism.
--Oh good Lord. A deconstruction challenge. In any random Top Chef challenge, a full third of the contestants are going to turn in something that is allegedly "deconstructed." Which tends to be translated as, "Here's a tiny piece of meat with a few different dots of sauce." Hopefully this will help get the deconstruction mania out of people's systems.
--All of the bitching about Robin in this episode is stupid and petty. I sincerely doubt that she won the Quickfire because she had cancer. This show is one of the few reality shows that doesn't depend on manipulation of a voting audience. Talk about sour grapes. And then Laurine whining about Robin talking and distracting her? Wow, the whiny-ness runs deep in this group.
--It was good to see Kevin win for his deconstructed mole. I can't even imagine what a pain in the ass it must be to try to separate out all of the flavors of mole and still have them work together on a plate. Plus, when I tire of the Volt brothers, he's my favorite chef to watch--he seems to be really good, while still being humble.
--Looks like we're back to giving out random prizes at the elimination challenge. I don't really have a problem with it in principle, but the whole thing has been so uneven. Generally, some people get nothing, others get a cookbook from the episode's special guest, and one guy will get a trip to Europe or a stage with a world-renown chef. It kinda sucks for the poor schmuck who ends up with a subscription to Martha Stewart Living.
--There are a few rules for every contestant on Top Chef--don't over (or under) salt; don't overcook your protein; don't send stuff out without tasting it; and don't insist that your dish was fine when all of the judges are comparing it to dog food. Oh, and don't make pasta salad. Now, based on Ron's massive paella failure, there's one more: if you have no idea what to do because the challenge is about an area you know nothing about, just make something that tastes good. The judges will give you a pass for missing the challenge if you make something tasty. But missing the challenge and the tastiness requirement? That's just a direct line to elimination. Sorry Ron.
Episode 5 "Camping" (airdate 9/16/09)
--I've got to say that I was pretty happy to see Tim Love as the guest chef/judge this episode. After last week's Jedi Council of Judges, I wasn't sure what they could do that wouldn't be a letdown. It's nice to see that they didn't try to compete with it but just went in an entirely different direction--from classic French legends to grilling on the ranch.
--Cactus? At least it was just a Quickfire (albeit another high stakes $15K one), but cactus? I have no doubt that some people actually eat cactus. And even claim to enjoy it. But it just strikes me as one of those things that there is no real justification to consume of you're not, you know, on the edge of famine and starvation. There's no way that cactus can taste that good. It's all . . . oozy. It looks like something that a New Age vegan would rub on her skin to treat acne.
--In light of the weirdness of cactus, I wasn't surprised to see that Mike I won the Quickfire. I'd say that having cooked cactus before is a hell of a big advantage there. I guess that the editors don't want us to hate Mike I anymore, since they've backed off a little from the snippets of him being a condescending jerk. Not that they've managed to eliminate that vibe entirely. There are limits to what video editing software can do after all. Even photoshop can't deal with his habitual full-body smirk. Hell, even his hair is smug.
--I know that foodie types don't like the curveball challenges that make the chefs cook in difficult conditions. If this was a pure cooking competition, I suppose that would be a fair point. But it's a reality show. And "cook something awesome in this well-stocked kitchen" would get pretty boring after a few episodes.
--Isn't it kind of cheap to make ceviche under these circumstances? Sure, they were warned ahead of time that the cooking conditions might be different, but ceviche isn't really cooking at all. Yeah, I know that the acid cooks it and blah, blah, blah. I'm not interested in a chemistry lesson here. Your competition is making roast pork and polenta on an open flame. And you just chopped up some fish.
--Speaking of bad ceviche, how about the fall and rise and fall of Mattin?
After last week's Frenchie-Who-Can't-Cook-French-Food debacle, I thought for sure he was a goner. But then, Mattin managed to perform well in the cactus Quickfire, and I started to think that there might be something to his whole, "I'm not French, I'm Basque," shtick. And then, there was his ceviche three-ways. (Note to aspiring Top Chefs: Instead of constantly turning in ambitious, yet mediocre, trios, why not just concentrate on making one thing really well?") I think that when the head judge has to get up and leave the table in order to spit out your dish, then you really shouldn't be surprised to be packing your knives.
--Meanwhile, Bryan V turns in another impressive performance (polenta and roast pork) and nabs the win. I'm sure the producers are thanking whoever is the patron saint of manufactured reality TV drama for that little gift. I sense another sibling rivalry episode on the way.
Episode 4 "Vivre Las Vegas" (airdate 9/9/09)
--I must admit that I was a little dubious about the "high stakes" Quickfires before. In general, I agree that an extra level of motivation was necessary to ensure that people were actually trying to win the QF and not just coast by. But I wasn't entirely sure that the promise of winning money (even $15K) was motivating people any more than before. I think that the people who would have wanted to win regardless of the prize probably saw the money as a bonus, but it didn't seem to be pushing the field as a whole to acts of genius. But today we saw the dark side of the High Stakes Quickfire . . . the elimination version. And this definitely had an effect. An entertaining effect for those of us in the audience who enjoy the tension and competition. And a near heart-attack effect on the contestants.
--You have to love the fact that the set-up for the Quickfire included a buffet full of live snails. I agree that the guy who first ate a snail must have been starving. Those are some ugly little buggers. But I can still see how that can happen. Faced by death by starvation, I too would probably give a snail a try. Yes, despite the creepy little antenna stalks. No, the guy who is really mystifying is the one who wasn't starving. The guy who had other food at hand, but thought, "Sure they're creepy. But maybe if I cook them in butter, garlic, and wine, they'll be awesome." That guy was one hell of a cocky chef.
--Poor Jessie. Going home for a Quickfire is not the way one wants to be remembered on this show. I kept hoping that she'd pull out something good. She seemed like she might be a talented chef who just couldn't get the hang of the competition format. Yes, the lip rings are a little off-putting in a chef. (I'm not sure why--it's not like she's french kissing your steak before it goes out.) But I do like her for making her final wish that people not think she sucks like this. For what it's worth, I don't.
--I love that they did the high-stakes french challenge this early in the competition. Usually, they wait until there are just a few contestants left, and it gets nit-picky. It was nice to see people have to flex their cuisine chops already.
--I suppose I should say something about the judges table. Talk about pressure. Tom Colicchio was probably the least impressive chef at the dinner table. I can't imagine trying to serve classic French food to a table consisting of Joel Robuchon, Daniel Boulud, Hubert Keller, etc., etc. I hear that Jesus Christ was supposed to be there to, but was double-booked.
--A challenge that included frogs legs, rabbit, lobster, and trout. And who screwed up their protein? The beef and the chicken people. How on earth can you (as a professional chef) mess up on chateaubriand and poussins?
--I think we can officially label Mattin a poser at this point. (Or maybe a poseur?) The guy is so French he wears a damned neckerchief in the kitchen. And on the one challenge that is all about being French, he ends up in the bottom four. Though there is a little smug satisfaction in the fact that the French guy is not the best French chef.
--Wow, the Brothers V are on fire. Good for Bryan (the staid, less flashy one) for pulling out the win. It's probably the dorky older sister in me, but I'm rooting for him.
--Sorry to see Hector go, even if I can appreciate the fact that destroying a fine piece of meat like that beef filet deserves a harsh punishment. I guess I was just hoping that Ashley would go home. Because she annoys me. And because I'd love to see the women freak out about the total decimation of their ranks.
Episode 3 "Thunderbirds" (airdate 9/2/09)
--Potato puree might taste like heaven on a plate, but it's not exactly telegenic. In other words, it looks like baby food. And throwing a few chunks of something on the pool of baby spit doesn't do anything for the presentation. And yet, it's apparently super trendy to do potato puree now. Even though it's nothing more than the pretentious cousin of mashed potatoes. I have to say that with a Quickfire all about potatoes, it was a little disappointing not to see any french fries or mashed potatoes. Mock it if you will, but there are few things on earth more satisfying than a perfect french fry.
--I am definitely impressed by Jennifer. I know that obnoxious DC/New Jersey guy didn't really take to her, but I think that's just recognition of a worthy competitor. I'm not sure how many challenge wins she has after this Quickfire, but she has to be a serious contender for the win. Not to mention how much fun it was to see her crack the whip in the kitchen as the Executive Chef for the Elimination Challenge. When I saw her accept the Executive role, I was worried that we were headed for the dreaded Top Chef leadership curse. (Take the fall if things go badly, get no credit if they go well.) But thankfully, she avoided that particular trap.
--Pasta salad? I don't care what you put into it, pasta salad is never going to be an exciting or interesting dish. And yet people keep making it on this show. And it never works out well for them. And you notice that men never think of making pasta salad. I wonder if it would even exist as a dish if it weren't for women. I've never heard a man say, "Wow, I could go for a good plate of pasta salad."
--Sure, there's nothing about the Las Vegas desert that makes anyone yearn for a piping hot bowl of New England clam chowder. But I have a secret love for clam chowder. I probably would have sat there, sweating over a bowl and insisting it was really very tasty.
--Just because you can make a political comment about something tangential to a cooking challenge doesn't mean that you should. The whole challenge, we got nothing but pride, gratitude to the troops, and quiet patriotism. And then Goatee Boy needed to open his stupid mouth about his opinion on the war, like someone asked what he thought. Serving chili to air force troops is not exactly the same as loading missiles on planes, so just sit down and shut up.
--You could tell that Mike B (the swanky brother) was going to win because the judges love the whole creative thing with the slab bacon. But I was kinda rooting for the Southern boys and their barbecue and potato salad. They were just so likeable and their food looked so homey and delicious.
--How great was it for them to have Mike go from the winners group to the losers group? And made better by the fact that he has not yet learned the fundamental lesson of the judges table: When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
--So if you have a bad dish, what are you supposed to do? The judges don't like it if you refuse to acknowledge it was bad. And they also don't like it if you admit that you knew it wasn't that great but served it anyway. Essentially, you just have to hope that someone else did worse than you.
--And pasta salad has claimed yet another victim: Preeti. And all before I learned how to properly pronounce her name. On the other hand, at least I knew it, which is more than I can say for the other two people up for elimination.
Episode 2 "Bachelor/Ette" Party (airdate 8/26/09)
--Unfortunately, I don't have anything to say about the Quickfire. They had one. It was needlessly complex. They telegraphed the winners and losers pretty clearly, and one of the brothers won. (It's still too early to tell them apart.) They're hitting that whole sibling rivalry angle pretty hard--which makes me think that we're looking at a really boring cast.
--Evidently, the unofficial theme of this episode is "People Who Are Annoying As Hell." We started off badly with a bachelor/bachelorette party designed around pairing food with shots. Who does that? Not alcoholics. They have too much respect for licquor. Mostly people who want to be thought of as cool partying types. (The key there being "thought of" rather than "actually are.")
--Then to make matters worse, the bride-to-be for this challenge is a "pescatarian." What the hell is that about? Because it doesn't count as killing an amimal if it's not cute? Or is she under the (pathetically false) impression that this is a way to stay thin and attractive? Because . . . um . . . no.
--And then there's Ms. Gay Marriage Whiner. I loved the part where she informed us that she was gay. Yeah . . . um . . . friggin' duh. It took an entire episode before I realized that she was female and not the bass player for The Killers. And then we get long periods of self-righteous whining about the fact that other people get married (in Vegas!) when she can't. Even the other gay women were starting to get annoyed. The whole thing made me pine for the people who get all indignant about whether the fish is endangered.
--I can't blame the guys for getting excited about the hot girls at the pool. Sure, Padma and Gail are hot, but we don't get to see much of them. And the pickings among the female contestants are . . . well, let's just say that being a woman in a man's world shouldn't require one to get their hair and make-up done by Lettie's House of Butchiness. Could it be more obvious that the core Bravo audience is women and gay men? We get hot foreign men, hot gay men, handsome All-American boys . . . and that's it.
--I think that one of those two brothers should be forced to dye his hair or paint his face green or start wearing tasteful, yet understated, cocktail dresses. Because I'm damned if I can tell them apart. And in a situation where they're trying to create drama out of the sibling competition, not knowing one from the other really puts the damper on the whole tension thing. Anyway, congratulations to the brother that won. I believe we're supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy about him now because he was in the bottom of the Quickfire (which Other Brother won), but redeemed himself with an Elimination win. (Cue stirring trumpet fanfare.)
--And so Eve--otherwise known as blonde, elf-ish girl we barely knew--was eliminated for turning in yet another lackluster dish. Unfortunately, this will the fate of the next few episodes, where the cheftestants who can't hack it slowly wait each other out. Alas, it is the sad, sad fate of reality competitions. I understand that it would make for a short season to only include the 5 or 6 chefs who actually have a prayer of winning, but does it have to be so obvious?
Episode 1 "Sin City Vice" (airdate 8/19/09)
--It's good to see my favorite competitive cooking show back on the air. I tried to follow Top Chef: Masters, but (as much as I hate to admit it) without that special spice of competition, gossip, and petty backstabbing, it's just not the same. Oh, and in keeping with tradition regarding reality shows, I'm not going to bother to remember anyone's name until they make it through a couple of episodes.
--I was glad to see Pasty Bearded Guy win, partly because I'm quite the procrastinator myself, so a dish that is a tribute to the art of waiting too long and then rushing to finish really strikes a chord with me. Also, he somehow managed to avoid jumping on the overly-cocky and aggressive bandwagon, which was a relief. (Note to the other cheftestants--aggressive and cocky only works when you're attractive, and there are only a handful of you that qualify.)
--Anyone who didn't see that Misguided Vegan Dish Girl was leaving hasn't been paying attention to the 5 previous seasons of Top Chef. I don't know that the judges are intrinsically biased against vegetarian food, but I do know that serving a "meat-like" substance to a panel of people accustomed to eating superbly cooked meat is a huge mistake. I mean really . . . seitan? Wheat gluten? That's one of those things that people only enjoy because other vegan food is so crappy that it seems palatable by comparison. Like the fried chicken at a family buffet.
--Incidentally, Vegan Girl's rationale that she should have escaped elimination because she did something "that no one else has done" in working with seitan is so retarded that it made me happy she was gone. No one else has served deep fried bird vomit either, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.
--As someone from the DC area, it is deeply annoying to me that the most obnoxious contestant on the show keeps being identified as a Washingtonian, since that's where his restaurant (Zaytinya) is. I'm not saying that we don't have extremely annoying people here in DC, but our annoying types tend to run to pretentious lawyers and political blowhards. Not cocky, overconfident loudmouths obsessed with beating the obviously more talented "girl" in the competition. I really wish that they would put a flashing "New Jersey" tag under his name.
--Finally, I was pretty excited to see the mise en place relay so early in the season. Is there an easier way of identifying who in the show knows what they're doing and who is destined for an early exit? Here's hoping the challenges only improve from here.
Episode 14 "Finale: Part 2" (airdate 12/9/09)
--Huh. Or maybe "Hmm." I'm working at expressing the written form of a verbal shrug here. It's a feat few writers attempt in public for fear of humiliating failure and devastating injury. Don't try this at home. I'm a trained professional.
--For the record, my, "Huh," ("Hunh"?) reaction is not to the finale in general, or the caliber of the chefs, or even the season as a whole. It's just that I'm not entirely sure what to say about the outcome. This is one of the odd situations where I'm not entirely happy about the winner (in fact, Michael was my least favorite of the remaining three), but I have absolutely no way to claim that he didn't deserve the win. He's clearly very talented. He performed strongly for (nearly) the entire season. His dishes seemed creative and clearly wowed the judges. This leaves me with, "But I reeeeeeeeeally like Kevin and Bryan." And perhaps, "Michael uses too much hair product." These are not particularly compelling points in a food competition.
--So I guess I must give Michael his due. He won what was unquestionably the most competitive season ever in Top Chef. And I guess one could argue that he needed the win the most, as Bryan and Kevin already have their own restaurants. And he certainly will liven up future reunion shows. I can't wait to see how well he and Marcel (or Ilan) get along. That would be a nice moment for a little bit of the patented Michael V arrogance.
--I confess, I really thought that Bryan had the win. Part of this was because he was the lucky one to get Jen as an assistant. (And how totally obvious was it that all three of them were secretly hoping to draw her and cursing Bryan when he lucked out?) But it also seemed like he was the most consistently good throughout the final meal. Of course, I'm biased, as the oldest sibling in me always pulls for other big brothers/sisters. (We're like a secret club. No, you can't join. Don't make me go tell Mom.) But on the basis of the judge's comments he seemed to come out ahead.
--A quick complaint about the judging: What the hell? Really. What the hell? Granted, this is more of an editing problem than a judging problem, but this Obfuscation/Twist Ending editing of the tasting and judging is beyond irritating. I understand not wanting to give away too much via the judges' comments, but the chain of events still has to make some kind of sense. When you show us evenly-weighted critiques, then the final winner/loser seems totally arbitrary. And this doesn't help much on the credibility front. This kind of garbage is what makes people start to spin crazy conspiracy theories about producer influence and secret phone calls from Glad and GE.
--One other thing about the judging: While it may have seemed clever to have a final dinner judged primarily by restaurateurs, I hated it. Not at first. At first, I was busy wondering why Gail Simmons doesn't exclusively wear dresses with plunging necklines. I sure would if I had a rack like that. But then, I noticed that Padma's hair wasn't totally cracked-out like last week, and she was dressed like a normal person and not an aspiring goth hooker. And then, it finally came to my attention that the other diners were commenting on the food. So there was problem one: They were boring. But they also had this weirdly competitive/business vibe going on. Watching it, you couldn't help but feel that they were constantly evaluating each other and letting that impact what they said. (Not to mention that in a season that had some of the best chefs in the world as guests, this dinner party was a bit of a letdown.)
--Bringing their mothers on was a nice twist--though perhaps not as edifying as the producers might have hoped. No one got into a catfight or told an embarrassing story about finding a bunch of nude Rachel Ray pictures under Michael's mattress. All we got were mentions of how much everyone loved their mothers (what a shocking surprise), and a few dirty looks from Michael's and Bryan's mom when people criticized her sons' dishes. If Bravo decides to pull the same thing next season, I hope they get the moms drunk first.
--Finally, a word about Kevin: It kinda sucked to see him go out on a night when he was clearly not performing at his best. I'm going to go ahead and blame the sous chef draw for messing with his mojo. After all, he got two of the weakest chefs in the bunch. This highlights why I hate it when reality shows do the whole bring-back-the-eliminated-contestants-to-help thing for the final. It almost always hurts the finalists more than it helps them. Kevin is the chef whose food I'd most want to try. (And I think he deserves some kind of prize for creating a dish celebrating fried chicken skin. Maybe the Nobel Peace Prize? I hear they give those out with Happy Meals nowadays.) And how cool is it that he turned down going to MIT in order to cook? My only consolation is that he'll get a lot of good stuff out of his appearance on Top Chef, even without the title.
--Well, that's all she wrote. Except for next week's reunion show. Which I was planning to skip, but now must watch for the potential bitching and backstabbing. What else am I going to do? Read?
Episode 13 "Finale: Part 1" (airdate 12/2/09)
--O.k. First things first. What in God's name is going on with Padma's hair? And the boots? And the whackadoodle black cut-out dress she wears to the catered event/elimination challenge? She looks like a really old Twilight fan. No, not in a good way. I realize that blunt, too-short, somewhat unattractive bangs come back into style every once in a while, but I really prefer that this particular look remain exclusive to aspiring indie movie starlets. (Especially as it indicates yet another resurgence of horn-rimmed glasses.) It's very depressing to see a tall, gorgeous model manage to make herself look 25 pounds heavier, 10 years older, and twice as witchy with just a simple wardrobe change. What's up Padma? Did you call Tyra Banks for fashion tips again?
--Oh, right. There's a cooking competition going on. Making the chefs do the Quickfire on the train seems like one too many twists. Isn't having to throw together a themed dish with surprise ingredients in a compressed time frame enough without adding motion sickness? As someone who gets nauseous when I have to ride backwards on the DC metro, I really felt for Kevin.
--I guess congratulations are in order to Mike for his Quickfire win. Though I admit that I lose all objectivity when something like a car is on the line. Even if it is a Prius. (I have a bias against that car, as its nice person to smug jerk ratio is terrible--almost as bad as with a Lexus.) I tend to want to award wins based on who needs the car the most. This is probably why I'm not a reality cooking show judge. Well, that and the fact that I'm not famous and am in no way associated with the restaurant or food industries.
--One other Quickfire gripe. I was really annoyed that they would provide Concord grapes as an ingredient for the challenge and then ding Bryan for using them. That's some B.S. there.
--Yes, this is an important Elimination challenge. It determines the true finalists. It's also totally formulaic. Allow me to summarize: Catering challenge . . . local ingredients . . . confit . . . foie gras . . . goat cheese . . . sustainability . . . editing games to give us no clue as to how they measure up against each other . . . sibling rivalry . . . Napa is so full of fabulosity that just being there makes its residents and visitors want to rub locally-sourced grape leaves all over their naked bodies. (Sorry, sometimes certain kinds of Californians really get on my nerves.)
--Maybe I'm getting burned out on Top Chef, but the pickiness and lack of comparison/context in the judge's comments while they try each contestants' dish are really starting to irk me. Yes, I am irked. It's because I have no idea how the contestants rate, what the food tastes like, or whom I should be concerned about. Everyone gets simultaneous raves and niggling criticisms and I just feel jerked around. Sheesh, TC producers. If I've stuck around to the 37 minute mark, I'm not going to change the channel just because it's obvious that some dishes were better than others. We can't taste the food, so it's the responsibility of the judges and production team to communicate the taste to us. Fail.
--This is (as just about everyone agrees) the most professional, capable, respectful, evenly matched final four in Top Chef history. And I really should like that. But, um, yawn. Maybe that's why I'm starting to warm up a little to Michael V. His arrogance is the only spice in a simmering stew of niceness. Collegial niceness may be great in real life but it's death to reality television.
--It's nice to see Bryan pull down another win. I was worried that he was playing too safe or had lost a step recently. And I have such an oldest sibling bias for him right now.
--Sorry to see Jennifer go. Not surprised. Just sorry. She lacked Kevin's perfect sense for flavors or Michael V.'s boldness and creativity. And yes, she had a tendency to get flustered under pressure. But I think she would have made the final three on any other season.
--Next time on Top Chef: The Finale! And enough contrived sibling rivalry editing to make your ears bleed!
Episode 12: "Culinary Olympics" (airdate 11/18/09)
--Damn you, Top Chef producers. I've become so accustomed to the trickiness of reality editing techniques that I find myself parsing and analyzing the little "tastes" of interviews and profiles that they always sprinkle in to the beginning of the episode. As soon as they focus on someone's past or home life or cooking style, I start to panic about whether that person is being eliminated or set up for the dramatic win. (Which panic it is depends on how much I like/hate that particular contestant.)
--Which leads me to whether there's anyone out there who doesn't like Kevin. Besides Michael V., that is. He's doing refined, but simple and homey (ergo yummy and approachable) food--making him one of the few chefs in the history of the show who has me dying to try his restaurant. And then there's the good Catholic, good husband, nice guy thing. So when they make it clear that this challenge is not his "thing" and combine that with the dreaded, "stepping out of his style," controversy and tell me about his home life . . . it's like they're trying to give us Kevin fans a heart attack.
--Interesting that they went quite this heavy with the challenge. It makes me wonder whether they picked it based precisely on the group of potential finalists in this season. (It's generally agreed that this is the strongest final group of any season of the show.) I just really can't imagine some of the previous seasons coming even close to being able to pull off something as difficult as a mini Bocuse d'Or challenge.
--I've never eaten at any of Thomas Keller's restaurant. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't burn hundred dollar bills for fuel. So I can't speak to how well he measures up to his incredible reputation. But I do know that foodies around the country are going to lock themselves in the bedroom with a vat of lotion and a copy of The French Laundry cookbook after this episode, so I don't feel any need to slobber over Keller here.
--The editing of the judging/tasting table made me a little crazy. I know that one could argue that we're dealing with a high level of performance that requires higher levels of criticism. But the way they cut together the tasting made it impossible to get a feel for how good or bad anything may be. I've nothing against building drama, but spending the whole episode being jerked around is annoying.
--If only Michael V. could refrain from being a dickhead about Kevin's food, then I could be a real fan of his. Other than his weird competitive grudge, I don't particularly mind his cocky arrogance. Then again, I have a thing for arrogant men. But there's a fine line between being charmingly arrogant and being a bit of a jerk, and Michael isn't all that good at keeping his balance. His brother, on the other hand, gets full points for being a gracious competitor. (Among my other biases is one for oldest children with occasionally obnoxious siblings. I won't say why, as my younger sisters occasionally read this.)
--If the goal of a teaser movie commercial is to raise my interest in your movie, than the new Avatar commercials are an epic fail. The movie looks cheesy and goofy as hell. When your CGI looks obvious and silly on my TV at home, you have a major problem.
--I don't understand why they would saddle the chefs with such a difficult challenge and give them so little time. I know that it's supposed to be a competition with curve balls, but when we're down to the last elimination before the finals, why not just let the chefs have enough time for once? The drama of watching people panic as time runs out is kind of old now, the (what?) twelfth time we've seen it. (More if you count Quickfires.)
--I'm not sure what to say about the winner and the eliminated contestant. I like Kevin, and was glad to see him win again. And I think Eli was probably the weakest of the remaining chefs, so it's not exactly an injustice for him to leave. But the weird hyper-criticism of the judges' table makes it hard to know how justified either the win or the loss was. Kevin gets ripped for being too simple and merely executing well (but below his capability) and then walks away with the win. Bryan (and Michael and Jenn too) all get picked apart for one part of their dish, but are praised for showing more technique or ambition than others. Considering that the prize for winning included a seat on the next Bocuse D'Or team for the US, I thought that technique and creativity would count for more here. You know, there's a big difference between creating drama and just confusing the hell out of people. And apparently, the editor of this episode went to the Michael Bay School of Crappy Storytelling.
Episode 11: "Strip Around the World" (airdate 11/11/09)
--The girl in me cannot help but be distracted by the staginess of this episode's Quickfire. Yes, every season involves some kind of breakfast challenge. And every season involves at least one opportunity to be a little suggestive about Padma's wardrobe or setting. And I can't blame them for feeling that having Nigella Lawson on the show was a great opportunity for a suggestiveness two-fer. But I simply cannot go on to discuss the rest of the episode without pointing out that their make-up/hair/plush robe/perfectly arranged bedclothes look was just a bit much. I don't expect them to actually serve her breakfast as she wakes up, but the effect was weird--a little too much like talking to a woman in full make-up and an evening gown who tells you she just, "threw something on," to go to the grocery store.
--Okay, one more girl complaint: Years ago, Vogue magazine decided to pay lip service to the oft-voiced complaint that fashion is too skewed to anorexic waifs by producing an issue that was supposed to tell us how to look good at any size, any figure. And they proved their broad-mindedness by using Nigella Lawson as their big/curvy woman. This still annoys me.
--Oh, right, the actual cooking. All this breakfast, and yet so little bacon. How disappointing. Eli's breakfast interpretation of a Reuben seemed appealing and interesting, so it was nice to see him grab the win. Honestly, I'm surprised that Jennifer didn't get more of a reaction from her creamed chipped beef (a.k.a. "shit on a shingle"). I'm not sure if there is a way to make that dish not look like something the dog threw up, but I do know that Jennifer certainly didn't find it. That stuff could taste like heaven on a plate, and I would still be afraid to eat it. It's not exactly a coincidence that it has such an unappetizing name. Why on earth did Jennifer think that this was a good dish for a Top Chef challenge?
--I thought that the Elimination Challenge (creating dishes inspired by various theme-heavy casinos) had a lot of potential, and for the most part, the chefs rose to the occasion. Michael actually turned out a dish that I would actually want to eat (rather than just admire or be impressed by). A gourmet buffalo wing is an idea whose time had come. As for Bryan, I'm just glad that he did well. After we spent so much of the episode hearing about his son, I was certain he was going to bomb and go home. Curse you, tricky Bravo editors!
--Oh, Toby, Toby, Toby. I've tried so hard to defend you in the past. I don't automatically hate the fact that you attempt to make "witty" observations. But it would be better if you didn't deliver them with a heavy thud that suggests you wrote them out earlier in your hotel room and have been carrying them in your shirt pocket, waiting for the appropriate moment to use them. Maybe it was Nigella's influence, but it was like Toby took three steps backwards into annoying, overly-vague-and-previous Brit Mode.
--Well, I think we all knew that Robyn was doomed either this episode or the next, so the fact that she has finally been sent home wasn't exactly the surprise of the century. For all the drama that surrounded her up to now, her departure was surprisingly low-key. (Thank goodness.) I will say that (based on the judge's comments) I expected Eli to be the one packing his knives, as his Circus Floor Sweepings Soup (candy apple, peanuts, and popcorn in a soup? Is it meant to evoke the time you went to the circus, ate too much junk food, and got sick on the drive home?) seemed to be the judge's least favorite. But I can't really complain about the elimination, seeing as Robin has earned it many times over at this point.
--Ooooh. Thomas Keller is in next week's episode. That strange sound you hear is the collective orgasm of a thousand foodie blog entries.
Reunion Episode: Top Chef All Stars Dinner
--As a general rule, I'm not a fan of reunion episodes. To me, they feel like nothing more than filler--a way to draw out one more episode in the season. So, I wasn't overly thrilled to see another reunion show tonight. (Sometimes, I feel like Bravo should just change their motto to, "Bravo: Food, Fashion, Materialistic Bitches, and constant Reunion Episodes.") I will allow that doing a mix of people from different seasons made it more interesting than the general reunion episode. At least, I felt that way until I realized that I was going to have to reference all these people from previous seasons whom even those of us who have watched religiously can hardly remember. Great.
--Who would have thought that, among the over-used names in the Top Chef run, "Dale" would be one of the more confusing entries? Ok, so here's my best description of who was at the reunion: Harold and "I'm not your bitch, bitch" Tiffani from Season 1; Ilan (the Saffron Imitator) and Marcel (the Foam King with the Wolverine hairdo) from Season 2; Dale (the white gay one, not the Asian one), Casey (cute surprise finalist), and Hung (Mr. Speedy) from season 3; Richard Blais (fauxhawk who surprisingly didn't win his season) and Lisa (horrible, frowny finalist that everyone hated) from Season 4; and Carla (Hootie Hoo), Stefan (Euro Lesbian Ladies Man), and Fabio (couldn't be more stereotypically Italian if he constantly did that little finger-kiss thing) from Season 5.
--Somehow, while all the other chefs get wrangled into cooking dinner for the group in a relaxed "challenge" thing, Fabio got to just be the host of the whole affair. How'd he pull that off? Maybe it's just that he's the only one whom we could plausibly imagine wanting to host a gathering of these people. There's certainly a camaraderie among the Chefs--like you get among any group who have been through the same difficult experience--but it's pretty clear that they wouldn't necessarily choose to spend time together without money or PR on the line.
--Poor Marcel. It's pretty obvious that he could not be more sick of discussing the infamous head-shaving incident. And who can blame him? He's famous for making foams, being awkwardly pretentious, and getting wrestled to the floor by his fellow contestants in a prank-gone-wrong. If your public persona was defined by being embarrassed on national television, you'd get a little prickly about it too. Of course, he doesn't help things by being a bit of a dick.
--It is interesting to see the little hints of true personality that come out in the reunion episode. I think better of Tiffani for recognizing why she appeared bitchy in her season and owning that. Anyone who still thinks that Stefan is an arrogant jerk is terrible at reading between the lines. And seeing how competitive Richard Blais is only makes it more surprising that he didn't win. Oh, and seeing Fabio lay down the smack on everyone getting tetchy about the questions he had to ask? Priceless.
--Well, without any judges around, we didn't get any particular insight into the judging process or how the chefs stack up against each other. But going purely on their peer's reactions, it looks like the stand-outs are Blais, Marcel, and Hung. Which is pretty much what you'd expect. Though I'd like to see how this season's Brothers V and Kevin measure up against the past stars too.
Episode 10 "Meat Natalie" (airdate 10/28/09)
--I'm a little disappointed in the efforts most of the Chefs put into the Quickfire today. And it had the potential of being interesting and fun, too--making dishes inspired by television shows. And it wasn't like they had strange, difficult-to-pair shows like Heroes or Lost or Emeril. Cheers? The Sopranos? Seinfeld? These have pretty obvious food connections. (And it was nice to see Kevin get right back on the horse after last week's problems. Granted he had maybe the easiest inspirations--The Sopranos--but still.)
--And I just have to say that if you don't watch TV, don't announce that to us like you deserve some kind of medal for that fact. Especially when you're currently a contestant in a reality TV contest. Sure, there are some people out there who will be very impressed by your non-TV watching attempt at sophistication. But none of those people are watching you say it.
--And then, to contrast with the fun and interesting Quickfire, we get the soul-deadening "fun" of a vegetarian cooking challenge. Hooray. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian--knock yourself out if that's what you want to do. But when we get a vegetarian challenge, it's a guarantee that we're going to hear approximately 100 times about how flavorful everything is and how you don't need meat for things to be good/filling/whatever. Right. That's why you feel the need to mention these things every 10 seconds. Sure, that asparagus salad might be fantastic. But you know what would make it better? A steak.
--So this is probably my non-vegetarian-ness coming through, but what a yawn this challenge was. Generally, there are at least a few dishes that leave me wishing I could be there eating too. This time, the win went home with Kevin (congrats again!) for . . . a plate of kale. Now, it might be the best damn kale that anyone has ever made in the history of the universe. But still. Kale.
--The producers must have agreed with me on the boringness, by the way, as we spent less time reviewing the food than parsing the tortured penis joke that Padma, Padme, and company were beating to death at the table. (And yes, Eli gained some of my esteem by pointing out that the only important thing guest judge Natalie Portman ever did was Star Wars--which, to be fair, is pretty important.)
--I can't be the only one who breathed a little sigh of self-satisfaction to see Mike I. go home. He has actually been off my radar for awhile, but this episode really brought home how obnoxious he can be. The judges totally nailed his arrogance about how--while he might have had a bad dish--he didn't believe that he could be sent home for it. It's hard not to laugh a bit about that tasty little dose of comeuppance. Especially when it was followed by his rant about how Robin should have left over him. Hey, I have no problem saying that, in general, Mike is a better cook than her. But I guess he wasn't for this challenge, huh, Mike? So quit yer crying and pack your knives.
Episode 9 "Restaurant Wars" (airdate 10/21/09)
--The blindfold Quickfire? Best. Quickfire. Ever. Of course, that may be that I'm just too used to the mise-en-place relay by now (the previous best Quickfire), but I really loved the idea and the tension of cooking a dish in the same manner of those group stories that you had to write when your English teacher was bored and wanted you all to sit quietly so that he could read the newspaper. The only difference being that when you had to do relay stories in English class, it was all about sabotaging the next person by sending somewhere bizarre. Whereas in cooking, you actually have to respect the team effort involved and specifically not screw your teammate by introducing zombie vampires (culinarily speaking) to the story.
--You gotta love it when they make some effort to fix the historical problems with restaurant wars. For years now, we've been subject to horrible design choices (scented candles, Madonna's brother as a consultant, weird, Pier-One-inspired "Generic World Traveler" themes). Finally, they've disposed with the need to show us the cheftestants debating the relative merits of silk flowers and addressed the danger of working Front of House by giving the FOH member a dish to cook. This doesn't mean, of course, that people won't find something else to bitch about in the format, but kudos for trying, Bravo.
--Current food thing I'm sick of: "Seasonality." Why do we have to act as though it's such a trendy and revolutionary concept that you're cooking things that are in season? Oh, and it's kind of BS at the same time. Seasonality only works if you're in a reasonably temperate zone. Eat seasonally in some parts of the country, and you're not going to see anything green for most of the year. Yum.
--Admittedly, Revolt is a slightly unfortunate name for a restaurant, but I don't really see the point in making an issue of the restaurant names. Mission isn't exactly setting the world on fire either. Frankly, if I only had one day to open a restaurant, I would give naming it all of about 45 seconds.
--I admit that I wondered whether keeping the Volt brothers together is a good or bad move. Competitive siblings could be an awesome team or an awesome disaster. Turns out that for all of their bickering and game-playing, the Brothers V are actually a strong team, even weathering the inevitable Robin problems. (For the record, I'm generally on Robin's side when it comes to the mob mentality in the house, but in this--more than any episode previously--you could see why everyone is so annoyed with her. In the most high pressure, team-centric competition, where personal conflict can send your restaurant down in flames, she still can't keep from starting drama with her teammates. Mostly via misplaced bitching and fighting about her position on the team. Even Eli managed to put aside his annoying quirks for this challenge, so the whining did not reflect well on her.)
--Credit to Revolt. Best Restaurant Wars restaurant ever--great compliment. Of course, given the history of this particular challenge, it's hard to figure exactly what that means. But the judges seemed generally pleased with the meal, which may well be a Top Chef first.
--Ok, how awesome of Mike V to split the $10K prize with his whole team. Very, very cool. Kind of funny how the sibling rivalry couldn't be suppressed any longer once the contest was over. Not Bryan's most gracious moment, spurning his brother's offer to share his prize, but there's such obvious history between them that I'm not going to go all judge-y on him here. And that has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I'm an oldest sibling myself. Ahem.
--After so many seasons where being the Executive Chef on the losing team was the kiss of death, we finally get a season where not having an Executive Chef on your team turns out to be a huge mistake. And after we've seen Jennifer C. do a great EC job in earlier challenges. I thought for sure she or Kevin would step up and take charge on this. Or maybe Mike I. Anyone but Laurine, really. It's a surprise to see such solid, consistent chefs (and here, I'm talking about Kevin and Jenn again--most definitely not Laurine) make so many mistakes.
--Given the above paragraph, it obviously wasn't a huge surprise to see Laurine get the boot. Absent a spectacular meltdown from one of the top four, it was going to be either Laurine or Robin packing their knives, depending on what team ended up on the bottom. I'd like to have more to say about Laurine's departure, but frankly, I don't have much of an impression of her despite the fact that she lasted this long. Kind of a nonentity, really, she only made it this far because someone always sucked a little bit more.
Episode 8 "Pigs & Pinot" (airdate 10/14/09)
--Ahhh, commercial tie-ins. As a general rule, I don't mind them much--even when we have to linger lovingly on the GE logo whenever someone walks over to the oven or fridge. (This is especially funny when they add in the GE tie-in right after someone has had an equipment failure. "This disaster in spoiled food is brought to you by GE Monogram cookware. GE. When it absolutely, positively has to cause food poisoning by tonight.") Still, this was a kind of random commercial Quickfire. Not so much because they had to use pre-packaged snack food. (I kind of dig those weird challenges.) More because they had to pair pre-packaged snack food with another dish. It was potato chips and onion rings. You know what they pair with? A hoagie.
--Oh noes! It's drama. I guess I'm surprised that this previously deadly dull group of people managed to summon up enough personality to get pissy with each other. Unfortunately, pissy is the right word. Of all the lame, nasty, immature spats. As far as I can tell, Eli & Co. are annoyed at Robin for talking a lot and being old. And Robin is annoyed because it's so clear that they dislike her. I can see how she might be irritating company on a day-in, day-out basis--but then again, I dislike most people, so I can see that in almost everyone.
--Don't get me wrong . . . I like wine. I like it a lot. And I have no problem with the fact that people get really fussy about it and swirl it around and sniff it and talk about hints of oak and the fact that the vineyard is obviously next to a fresh-water spring tended to by beautiful virgins. Whatever floats your boat, dude. But when people (and by "people" I mean "Eli") get all snooty about other people's taste in wine, that's when I get irritated. Who cares if someone loves Gallo by the box. If they're not making you drink it, then it's really none of your damned concern.
--And Kevin wins another one. That guy is en fuego. After this, he has to be the odds-on favorite to win it all. Unless, of course, he chokes in the finals, Richard Blais style. (That might seem mean, but even Blais admits that he choked.)
--And farewell to Ash, which is completely unsurprising in every way. Lately, it has been obvious that Ash was on borrowed time. And while I'll miss his wit (which grew on me after awhile) and his self-defeating tendency to discard his ideas for much worse ones and then describe the better dish to the disappointed judges, I'm kind of happy that Eli's negativity against Robin was defeated by her continued presence on the show. Right now, I'm kind of hoping that she'll outlast him.
Episode 7 "Dinner Party" (airdate 10/7/09)
--Enough about umami already. The culinary world will just not shut up about friggin' umami. I think they just like saying it . . . "oooooo-mommy." It is fun to pronounce. Umami is the chipotle of flavor profiles.
--I'm really liking Kevin right now, so it was cool to see him win the Quickfire. And smart for him to take $15K over immunity. I would have done the same thing. Though not, I confess for the same reasons. Kevin can feel confident that he would succeed in the elimination challenge and has a good chance of winning the whole thing. I know that I would be there through pure luck and have no chance of winning the whole thing and a good chance of getting eliminated immediately, so I'd grab the money and run.
--Ah, the team challenge. Interesting how some teams are just an obvious success from the start--could there be any doubt that Kevin and Jennifer were going to win (at least in the absence of a Volt Bros team)? And then, some teams are just destined for disaster.
--Speaking of disaster, could Mike Isabella have been any more of an ass in this challenge? I will grant that he is almost certainly a better chef than Robin. But his attitude and arrogance--not to mention his unwillingness to utilize any of her strengths or knowledge--are what prevent him from being a great chef. Or at least prevent him from not being a douchebag. It's actually kind of shocking that (after all the nastiness he spewed and the clear problems with them as a team) their dish actually turned out ok.
--Hmmmm. Could it be possible that Macy's might have had a bit of corporate sponsorship in this episode. Just a little bit. A few bucks worth. I wonder what the going rate is for having the hosts mention your name every 15 seconds and draping things in your corporate logo?
--It's a little old and repetitive to hear Colicchio challenge everyone who expresses any self-doubt or admiration of others with questions about whether they want to be there. Talk about your tired reality conventions. Cool it, Tyra. Is Ash not "fierce" enough for you just because he admires Michael V?
--Though I've never been a fan of hers, I was a little sad to see Ashley go. At least, instead of the thoroughly obnoxious Eli or the addled and mistake-prone Ash. She has calmed down a little in the last few episodes, has been doing better, and (I really feel the need to stress this) wasn't nearly as annoying as Eli.
Episode 6 "Penn & Teller" (airdate 9/23/09)
--I know it is a touching gesture to see all the remaining cheftestants wearing Mattin neckerchiefs. But I continue to be amazed by the sheer number of them. Was he thinking he needed a new neckerchief for every possible competition day . . . all the way to the finals? Is there a reason why he couldn't just wash and re-use them? And why are they so crisp and starched? I have this vision of Frenchie staying up late the night before his flight to Vegas to start the competition, ironing scarf after scarf.
--What a nice vindication for Robin to win the angel-devil Quickfire. Especially while she's getting the "You should have been the one eliminated" stare from the other contestants.
--It was not so great too see the return of Top Scallop in the Quickfire. There's something about small portions and limited time that just sends the contestants of this show scurrying to the scallop bin. I can see how it's an obvious choice, but that's kind of the problem with it, from a judging perspective.
--I love Penn & Teller. Their show is funny as hell, and at its best when it takes on flakey leftist New Age-y types. Sure, they cheat a little sometimes for humor over hard logic, but it's still a refreshing Libertarian breeze in a world of stuffy moderate-left journalism.
--Oh good Lord. A deconstruction challenge. In any random Top Chef challenge, a full third of the contestants are going to turn in something that is allegedly "deconstructed." Which tends to be translated as, "Here's a tiny piece of meat with a few different dots of sauce." Hopefully this will help get the deconstruction mania out of people's systems.
--All of the bitching about Robin in this episode is stupid and petty. I sincerely doubt that she won the Quickfire because she had cancer. This show is one of the few reality shows that doesn't depend on manipulation of a voting audience. Talk about sour grapes. And then Laurine whining about Robin talking and distracting her? Wow, the whiny-ness runs deep in this group.
--It was good to see Kevin win for his deconstructed mole. I can't even imagine what a pain in the ass it must be to try to separate out all of the flavors of mole and still have them work together on a plate. Plus, when I tire of the Volt brothers, he's my favorite chef to watch--he seems to be really good, while still being humble.
--Looks like we're back to giving out random prizes at the elimination challenge. I don't really have a problem with it in principle, but the whole thing has been so uneven. Generally, some people get nothing, others get a cookbook from the episode's special guest, and one guy will get a trip to Europe or a stage with a world-renown chef. It kinda sucks for the poor schmuck who ends up with a subscription to Martha Stewart Living.
--There are a few rules for every contestant on Top Chef--don't over (or under) salt; don't overcook your protein; don't send stuff out without tasting it; and don't insist that your dish was fine when all of the judges are comparing it to dog food. Oh, and don't make pasta salad. Now, based on Ron's massive paella failure, there's one more: if you have no idea what to do because the challenge is about an area you know nothing about, just make something that tastes good. The judges will give you a pass for missing the challenge if you make something tasty. But missing the challenge and the tastiness requirement? That's just a direct line to elimination. Sorry Ron.
Episode 5 "Camping" (airdate 9/16/09)
--I've got to say that I was pretty happy to see Tim Love as the guest chef/judge this episode. After last week's Jedi Council of Judges, I wasn't sure what they could do that wouldn't be a letdown. It's nice to see that they didn't try to compete with it but just went in an entirely different direction--from classic French legends to grilling on the ranch.
--Cactus? At least it was just a Quickfire (albeit another high stakes $15K one), but cactus? I have no doubt that some people actually eat cactus. And even claim to enjoy it. But it just strikes me as one of those things that there is no real justification to consume of you're not, you know, on the edge of famine and starvation. There's no way that cactus can taste that good. It's all . . . oozy. It looks like something that a New Age vegan would rub on her skin to treat acne.
--In light of the weirdness of cactus, I wasn't surprised to see that Mike I won the Quickfire. I'd say that having cooked cactus before is a hell of a big advantage there. I guess that the editors don't want us to hate Mike I anymore, since they've backed off a little from the snippets of him being a condescending jerk. Not that they've managed to eliminate that vibe entirely. There are limits to what video editing software can do after all. Even photoshop can't deal with his habitual full-body smirk. Hell, even his hair is smug.
--I know that foodie types don't like the curveball challenges that make the chefs cook in difficult conditions. If this was a pure cooking competition, I suppose that would be a fair point. But it's a reality show. And "cook something awesome in this well-stocked kitchen" would get pretty boring after a few episodes.
--Isn't it kind of cheap to make ceviche under these circumstances? Sure, they were warned ahead of time that the cooking conditions might be different, but ceviche isn't really cooking at all. Yeah, I know that the acid cooks it and blah, blah, blah. I'm not interested in a chemistry lesson here. Your competition is making roast pork and polenta on an open flame. And you just chopped up some fish.
--Speaking of bad ceviche, how about the fall and rise and fall of Mattin?
After last week's Frenchie-Who-Can't-Cook-French-Food debacle, I thought for sure he was a goner. But then, Mattin managed to perform well in the cactus Quickfire, and I started to think that there might be something to his whole, "I'm not French, I'm Basque," shtick. And then, there was his ceviche three-ways. (Note to aspiring Top Chefs: Instead of constantly turning in ambitious, yet mediocre, trios, why not just concentrate on making one thing really well?") I think that when the head judge has to get up and leave the table in order to spit out your dish, then you really shouldn't be surprised to be packing your knives.
--Meanwhile, Bryan V turns in another impressive performance (polenta and roast pork) and nabs the win. I'm sure the producers are thanking whoever is the patron saint of manufactured reality TV drama for that little gift. I sense another sibling rivalry episode on the way.
Episode 4 "Vivre Las Vegas" (airdate 9/9/09)
--I must admit that I was a little dubious about the "high stakes" Quickfires before. In general, I agree that an extra level of motivation was necessary to ensure that people were actually trying to win the QF and not just coast by. But I wasn't entirely sure that the promise of winning money (even $15K) was motivating people any more than before. I think that the people who would have wanted to win regardless of the prize probably saw the money as a bonus, but it didn't seem to be pushing the field as a whole to acts of genius. But today we saw the dark side of the High Stakes Quickfire . . . the elimination version. And this definitely had an effect. An entertaining effect for those of us in the audience who enjoy the tension and competition. And a near heart-attack effect on the contestants.
--You have to love the fact that the set-up for the Quickfire included a buffet full of live snails. I agree that the guy who first ate a snail must have been starving. Those are some ugly little buggers. But I can still see how that can happen. Faced by death by starvation, I too would probably give a snail a try. Yes, despite the creepy little antenna stalks. No, the guy who is really mystifying is the one who wasn't starving. The guy who had other food at hand, but thought, "Sure they're creepy. But maybe if I cook them in butter, garlic, and wine, they'll be awesome." That guy was one hell of a cocky chef.
--Poor Jessie. Going home for a Quickfire is not the way one wants to be remembered on this show. I kept hoping that she'd pull out something good. She seemed like she might be a talented chef who just couldn't get the hang of the competition format. Yes, the lip rings are a little off-putting in a chef. (I'm not sure why--it's not like she's french kissing your steak before it goes out.) But I do like her for making her final wish that people not think she sucks like this. For what it's worth, I don't.
--I love that they did the high-stakes french challenge this early in the competition. Usually, they wait until there are just a few contestants left, and it gets nit-picky. It was nice to see people have to flex their cuisine chops already.
--I suppose I should say something about the judges table. Talk about pressure. Tom Colicchio was probably the least impressive chef at the dinner table. I can't imagine trying to serve classic French food to a table consisting of Joel Robuchon, Daniel Boulud, Hubert Keller, etc., etc. I hear that Jesus Christ was supposed to be there to, but was double-booked.
--A challenge that included frogs legs, rabbit, lobster, and trout. And who screwed up their protein? The beef and the chicken people. How on earth can you (as a professional chef) mess up on chateaubriand and poussins?
--I think we can officially label Mattin a poser at this point. (Or maybe a poseur?) The guy is so French he wears a damned neckerchief in the kitchen. And on the one challenge that is all about being French, he ends up in the bottom four. Though there is a little smug satisfaction in the fact that the French guy is not the best French chef.
--Wow, the Brothers V are on fire. Good for Bryan (the staid, less flashy one) for pulling out the win. It's probably the dorky older sister in me, but I'm rooting for him.
--Sorry to see Hector go, even if I can appreciate the fact that destroying a fine piece of meat like that beef filet deserves a harsh punishment. I guess I was just hoping that Ashley would go home. Because she annoys me. And because I'd love to see the women freak out about the total decimation of their ranks.
Episode 3 "Thunderbirds" (airdate 9/2/09)
--Potato puree might taste like heaven on a plate, but it's not exactly telegenic. In other words, it looks like baby food. And throwing a few chunks of something on the pool of baby spit doesn't do anything for the presentation. And yet, it's apparently super trendy to do potato puree now. Even though it's nothing more than the pretentious cousin of mashed potatoes. I have to say that with a Quickfire all about potatoes, it was a little disappointing not to see any french fries or mashed potatoes. Mock it if you will, but there are few things on earth more satisfying than a perfect french fry.
--I am definitely impressed by Jennifer. I know that obnoxious DC/New Jersey guy didn't really take to her, but I think that's just recognition of a worthy competitor. I'm not sure how many challenge wins she has after this Quickfire, but she has to be a serious contender for the win. Not to mention how much fun it was to see her crack the whip in the kitchen as the Executive Chef for the Elimination Challenge. When I saw her accept the Executive role, I was worried that we were headed for the dreaded Top Chef leadership curse. (Take the fall if things go badly, get no credit if they go well.) But thankfully, she avoided that particular trap.
--Pasta salad? I don't care what you put into it, pasta salad is never going to be an exciting or interesting dish. And yet people keep making it on this show. And it never works out well for them. And you notice that men never think of making pasta salad. I wonder if it would even exist as a dish if it weren't for women. I've never heard a man say, "Wow, I could go for a good plate of pasta salad."
--Sure, there's nothing about the Las Vegas desert that makes anyone yearn for a piping hot bowl of New England clam chowder. But I have a secret love for clam chowder. I probably would have sat there, sweating over a bowl and insisting it was really very tasty.
--Just because you can make a political comment about something tangential to a cooking challenge doesn't mean that you should. The whole challenge, we got nothing but pride, gratitude to the troops, and quiet patriotism. And then Goatee Boy needed to open his stupid mouth about his opinion on the war, like someone asked what he thought. Serving chili to air force troops is not exactly the same as loading missiles on planes, so just sit down and shut up.
--You could tell that Mike B (the swanky brother) was going to win because the judges love the whole creative thing with the slab bacon. But I was kinda rooting for the Southern boys and their barbecue and potato salad. They were just so likeable and their food looked so homey and delicious.
--How great was it for them to have Mike go from the winners group to the losers group? And made better by the fact that he has not yet learned the fundamental lesson of the judges table: When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
--So if you have a bad dish, what are you supposed to do? The judges don't like it if you refuse to acknowledge it was bad. And they also don't like it if you admit that you knew it wasn't that great but served it anyway. Essentially, you just have to hope that someone else did worse than you.
--And pasta salad has claimed yet another victim: Preeti. And all before I learned how to properly pronounce her name. On the other hand, at least I knew it, which is more than I can say for the other two people up for elimination.
Episode 2 "Bachelor/Ette" Party (airdate 8/26/09)
--Unfortunately, I don't have anything to say about the Quickfire. They had one. It was needlessly complex. They telegraphed the winners and losers pretty clearly, and one of the brothers won. (It's still too early to tell them apart.) They're hitting that whole sibling rivalry angle pretty hard--which makes me think that we're looking at a really boring cast.
--Evidently, the unofficial theme of this episode is "People Who Are Annoying As Hell." We started off badly with a bachelor/bachelorette party designed around pairing food with shots. Who does that? Not alcoholics. They have too much respect for licquor. Mostly people who want to be thought of as cool partying types. (The key there being "thought of" rather than "actually are.")
--Then to make matters worse, the bride-to-be for this challenge is a "pescatarian." What the hell is that about? Because it doesn't count as killing an amimal if it's not cute? Or is she under the (pathetically false) impression that this is a way to stay thin and attractive? Because . . . um . . . no.
--And then there's Ms. Gay Marriage Whiner. I loved the part where she informed us that she was gay. Yeah . . . um . . . friggin' duh. It took an entire episode before I realized that she was female and not the bass player for The Killers. And then we get long periods of self-righteous whining about the fact that other people get married (in Vegas!) when she can't. Even the other gay women were starting to get annoyed. The whole thing made me pine for the people who get all indignant about whether the fish is endangered.
--I can't blame the guys for getting excited about the hot girls at the pool. Sure, Padma and Gail are hot, but we don't get to see much of them. And the pickings among the female contestants are . . . well, let's just say that being a woman in a man's world shouldn't require one to get their hair and make-up done by Lettie's House of Butchiness. Could it be more obvious that the core Bravo audience is women and gay men? We get hot foreign men, hot gay men, handsome All-American boys . . . and that's it.
--I think that one of those two brothers should be forced to dye his hair or paint his face green or start wearing tasteful, yet understated, cocktail dresses. Because I'm damned if I can tell them apart. And in a situation where they're trying to create drama out of the sibling competition, not knowing one from the other really puts the damper on the whole tension thing. Anyway, congratulations to the brother that won. I believe we're supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy about him now because he was in the bottom of the Quickfire (which Other Brother won), but redeemed himself with an Elimination win. (Cue stirring trumpet fanfare.)
--And so Eve--otherwise known as blonde, elf-ish girl we barely knew--was eliminated for turning in yet another lackluster dish. Unfortunately, this will the fate of the next few episodes, where the cheftestants who can't hack it slowly wait each other out. Alas, it is the sad, sad fate of reality competitions. I understand that it would make for a short season to only include the 5 or 6 chefs who actually have a prayer of winning, but does it have to be so obvious?
Episode 1 "Sin City Vice" (airdate 8/19/09)
--It's good to see my favorite competitive cooking show back on the air. I tried to follow Top Chef: Masters, but (as much as I hate to admit it) without that special spice of competition, gossip, and petty backstabbing, it's just not the same. Oh, and in keeping with tradition regarding reality shows, I'm not going to bother to remember anyone's name until they make it through a couple of episodes.
--I was glad to see Pasty Bearded Guy win, partly because I'm quite the procrastinator myself, so a dish that is a tribute to the art of waiting too long and then rushing to finish really strikes a chord with me. Also, he somehow managed to avoid jumping on the overly-cocky and aggressive bandwagon, which was a relief. (Note to the other cheftestants--aggressive and cocky only works when you're attractive, and there are only a handful of you that qualify.)
--Anyone who didn't see that Misguided Vegan Dish Girl was leaving hasn't been paying attention to the 5 previous seasons of Top Chef. I don't know that the judges are intrinsically biased against vegetarian food, but I do know that serving a "meat-like" substance to a panel of people accustomed to eating superbly cooked meat is a huge mistake. I mean really . . . seitan? Wheat gluten? That's one of those things that people only enjoy because other vegan food is so crappy that it seems palatable by comparison. Like the fried chicken at a family buffet.
--Incidentally, Vegan Girl's rationale that she should have escaped elimination because she did something "that no one else has done" in working with seitan is so retarded that it made me happy she was gone. No one else has served deep fried bird vomit either, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.
--As someone from the DC area, it is deeply annoying to me that the most obnoxious contestant on the show keeps being identified as a Washingtonian, since that's where his restaurant (Zaytinya) is. I'm not saying that we don't have extremely annoying people here in DC, but our annoying types tend to run to pretentious lawyers and political blowhards. Not cocky, overconfident loudmouths obsessed with beating the obviously more talented "girl" in the competition. I really wish that they would put a flashing "New Jersey" tag under his name.
--Finally, I was pretty excited to see the mise en place relay so early in the season. Is there an easier way of identifying who in the show knows what they're doing and who is destined for an early exit? Here's hoping the challenges only improve from here.