Uninformed Football Picks
By Prue
Superbowl Sunday
Now that almost 2 weeks have passed, I am nearly ready to discuss the fact that I went 1-1 for the Divisional Championship round. Unfortunately, the game that I really wanted to go my way (Ravens over Steelers) did not. That's because the Steelers are the embodiment of all that is putrid, foul, and gangrenous on this earth. No, they don't get to be the embodiment of evil, as that's far too glamorous and powerful. They get to be the embodiment of toilet-based hard water deposits. But more on that in a moment. Let me just dive into my pick for Superbowl Sunday:
Sunday, Feb. 1
Arizona Cardinals over Pittsburgh Steelers
This isn't just about how I feel about the Steelers and their overhyped, overpraised team. I legitimately like the Cardinals. For one thing, they were Cuba Gooding's team in Jerry Maguire, and being so strongly featured in a major motion picture is the international code for, "this team sucks so much right now, they're not even worried about their image." (Think the Cleveland Indians in the Major League series.) So, clearly they've turned things around in a major way. Plus, they have Kurt Warner at quarterback, which is just super-cool, considering how he'd been written off as washed-up. (Are you taking notes, Mr. Favre?) And best of all, there's the fanbase. I have never known an Arizona Cardinals fan. Since I live on the East Coast, thousands of miles from Arizona, I consider this a very good thing that reflects well on their team. I imagine that their fans must be pretty damned loyal to have suffered through so many bad seasons, and they haven't yet created a bandwagon effect. I have never seen anyone in a rap video wandering around parties and yachts in a Cardinals jersey either. Apparently, the Cardinals have no street cred. Having grown up myself on the mean streets of the affluent suburbs, I too have no street cred and identify with this problem. How could I not pick the Cards?
But even if I was lukewarm on the Cardinals, I would have to pick almost any team that was playing against the Steelers. If the Steelers were playing in the Superbowl against Al-Qaeda, with Osama Bin Laden himself at quarterback, I would still hesitate to cheer them. (And I'd also be a little pissed about the lax anti-terrorism screening at the stadium.) Why do I hate the Steelers? I'm not sure I even have the time to go through it all here, but here are the top 3 reasons:
3. Their colors. Yellow and black are just awful. They belong on children's bumblebee costumes, not football uniforms. They're not even ugly in a manly way (like Mickey Rourke). They're ugly in a lost-a-bet-with-God way.
2. Troy Polamalu's hair. I've mentioned this before, but can somebody please give that man a scrunchie? Will no one speak for the poor wide receivers who end up with a mouthful of his wig when contesting for the ball? I seriously believe that this is part of the secret to his success. Other players give him a little too much room because they don't want a faceful of Polamalu weave.
1. The Bandwagon. There are cettain teams that tend to gain a bandwagon following, generally due to their success or their image. Of these, the most annoying are the Dallas Cowboys (with their "America's Team" crap--can we get a recount on this one?) and the Pittsburgh Steelers. In any bar, if you look around for the dumbass with the '70s moustache who wants to convince everyone that he's tough--well, ten to one he'll tell you that he's a Steelers fan. The Steelers are easily the number one organization without the word "extreme" in the name that attracts wannabe hardasses.
In summary, go Cardinals!
Playoffs, Week 3 (Divisional Championship Round)
Ok, so I went an extremely painful 1-3 last week. Ouch. Fortunately, that one win was for the Ravens, so I was able to mask my disappointment over my poor showing with quietly affirming statements like, "Yeaaaaahhhhh! Woooooooooo!!!! Suck that, Tennessee!!!" It's those little things that help you cope with minor and inconsequential failures like picking the wrong winner of a game that you didn't even put any money on. It helps that Ditka also went 1-3 last week, though I don't know whether he consoled himself by calling up the coach of the Chargers and singing, "Told ya so," over and over while doing the running man. But I'd like to think so. (Though, come to think of it, I've always thought Ditka was more of a roger rabbit kind of guy.) Anyway, it's time to decide who's going to provide the action between ads in the Superbowl. Here are my picks (in bold):
Sunday, January 18
Philadelphia Eagles @ Arizona Cardinals
There are a lot of reasons why I hate Pennsylvania. There's the douchebag ex-boyfriend with the racist, dog grooming mother--they were from Pennsylvania, and while I know that PA is full of people that are neither douchey nor racist, I'm not going to let them off the hook for that yet. There's also the fact that the roads are a nightmare to drive on and that every road trip that sends me through PA is an unncessary test of God's ability to preserve me from a fiery car crash caused by shitty weather and shittier roads. And there's the fact that the bathrooms on the Pennsylvania turnpike are too far apart and appear to have neon signs reading, "Welcome pedophiles, molesters, and generally creepy people." To be fair, Pennsylvania has also given me Utz potato chips, Yuengling beer, and my super-awesome friend AnneArchy. Still, I cannot emphasize enough how totally opposed I am to the notion of an all-Pennsylvania Superbowl.
Frankly, I'm pretty hostile to the Eagles in the best of times, what with their ugly colors, poor use of the Eagle mascot, and generally annoying and whiny fan base. But if both Philly and Pittsburgh get to the Superbowl, I'm afraid that Maryland might melt from the pure, high-grade smugness that will emanate from their neighbors to the North.
In contrast, between their quarterback and their unexpected success story, Arizona is so plucky and underdog-ish that I wouldn't be surprised if Disney was already making an inspirational movie about them featuring Emilio Estevez and a scruffy-but-loveable puppy. So if I don't pick Arizona, I'll be like the gruff and closed-minded newspaper reporter played by Joe Mantegna. I don't want to be played by Joe Mantegna.
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers
I mean, c'mon. What did you expect? While it's exciting to know that your team is playing in the most analyzed and anticipated game this weekend, it's not all that great when you notice that the nearly-unanimous expert verdict is in favor of your opponent. I know I've established that I'm a big Ravens fan, but I'm not sure if I've expained yet how deeply and completely I mega-loathe the Steelers. I know that you could argue that I don't really know enough about football to hate the Steelers. Well, I don't know much about dermatology either, but I don't need to become an expert in order to recognize a giant, oozing, pus-filled sore when I see one. And to make matters worse, the media loves the Steelers, and they're rotten with bandwagon fans. (Girls, don't ever date a Steelers fan who isn't from that part of PA--or at least has family from there. Not only has he proven that he won't be loyal to his proper home team, but he basically picked a favorite football team based on the way that the media sells them as tough, meaning that he's not only gullible, but that he's insecure and way overcompensates.)
I know I said that I wouldn't be greedy about Baltimore racking up wins in the playoffs, but who wouldn't wish for their favorite team to be in the Superbowl? I realize that everyone else on earth has picked the Steelers to win--honestly, I think I just saw a blimp go by my window flashing, "Steelers By 3!" over and over again--but maybe (just this once) the sportwriters, commentators, and referees can wait until the game is actually finished before giving Pittsburgh a very public reach-around.
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Playoffs, Week 2
Hmmmm. So I went 2-2 last weekend. Happily, one of those wins was for the Ravens, so I don't have to worry about the inevitable PETA protest that was going to follow my anti-dolphin tirade this week. (Trust me, it was not going to be pretty. Canned tuna was featured prominently.) It just so happens that Ditka went 2-2 as well. I'm starting to entertain hopes of replacing him on NFL Sunday Countdown. Of course, I'm not as cute, nor as knowledgeable about football. But I do have an encyclopedic knowledge of the cheeses of Northern France. Beat that Ditka. So here are my picks (in bold) for this second week of the playoffs.
Saturday, January 10
Baltimore Ravens @ Tennesee Titans
I'm more than a little worried about this one, though I'm still picking the Ravens. Why? Because I'm an unrepentently biased home teamer. Hey, at least I'm honest about it, unlike most people who report on sports. (This may be because I'm not, technically speaking, a sports reporter.) They all have their biases too, and most of the time it seems to be for Boston/New England. Seriously, Boston and New England fans have become the new Yankees fans. You heard me, Red Sox and Patriots die-hards. You've become everything that you hate. You're the Darth Vader of fandom. Chew on that one for awhile.
Arizona Cardinals @ Carolina Panthers
I'm choosing the Panthers because the phrase, "walking like a panther," sounds so cool, and I'm hoping that the media will pick it up and start using it to refer to this Carolina team. Then I can smugly (though probably erroneously) claim that I was the first to think of it. Incidentally, there are a bunch of songs that use the phrase, "walk(ing) like a panther," which is pretty funny considering how few of us have ever actually seen a panther, much less seen one walk anywhere. From my detailed zoo-related observation, panthers generally just lie around in the shade and spend very little time suavely and quietly walking around.
Sunday, January 11
Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants
Frankly, I can't believe that the Eagles are still in this thing. This is what I get for not paying attention to late season turnarounds, but I was pretty sure that they sucked this year. Anyway, I have absolute faith that the Eagles will self-destruct at some point, and there's no time like the present. It's just their way. And I still can't get over that nasty shade of green that they use in their uniforms. It's as if they went to an art director and said, "We're looking for something that seems Irish, but not too Irish. Like green beer Irish. We want something that evokes the calming halls of a deteriorating state mental institution."
San Diego Chargers @ Pittsburgh Steelers
From what I could hear from the droning and idiotic commentary that overshadowed every key moment of the Ravens game, everyone on earth thinks that the Steelers are the most awesome thing ever!!! I think Phil Simms was drawing little hearts around their logo in his commentary notebook, right next to where he was writing out, "Mr. Phil Steelers," in cursive and print to see which way looked better. So I think it goes without saying that I'm picking the Chargers. Fuck conventional wisdom.
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Wild Card Weekend
So week 17 saw yet another 10-6 for me. This started to make me question my picks method--would I get 10-6 if I just flipped a coin or threw darts or something? Then I realized that picking the winner based on mascot, uniform, or a hairstyle-related grudge isn't markedly different from flipping a coin and I felt much better about it. Ditka was 10-6 as well for the week. In a clear and pathetic attempt to appease my own ego, I will point out that he has a pretty good record among ESPN commentators--though (technically speaking) they all seem to be within a few games of each other. Which kind of proves my point about laws of averages and the like. Anyway, here are my picks (in bold, as always) for this weekend:
Saturday, Jan. 3
Indianapolis Colts @ San Diego Chargers
This is a tough call, since one of these teams is obviously going to choke like . . . something that chokes a lot. (Sorry, the metaphor machine broke down there for a minute.) Choke like Linda Lovelace reliving the "golden days." (Ha! It's back!) For such a tough decision, I'm going to have to go to city names. So, going back to our knowledge of Greek, we know that "Indianapolis" means, "City of the Archeologist-Adventurers." Whereas, San Diego means, "Place with sandy brand-name waffles." Faced with this information, I think it's clear that we have to go with Indy, regardless of what George Lucas might have done to him in the sequel-that-shall-not-be-named.
Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals
I can't believe that I haven't managed to work a dog-fighting joke into my picks for any of the Atlanta games. I would say that this is because I'm too classy and sensitive to the rights of animals to do that, but the truth is that I just forgot. Anyway, I'm not particularly invested or even interested in who wins this game, so I went with the home team, just because. I guess you could say that I don't have a dog in this fight.
Sunday, Jan. 4
Baltimore Ravens @ Miami Dolphins
I'm sure you all have noticed that all-but-one time that I picked the Ravens, they went on to win their game. Concidence? Almost certainly yes. Because if this was some kind of secret psychic superpower, it would be the lamest power of all time. ("It's ok everyone, Prue is here. She has the power to correctly pick the winner of a game involving her favorite football team the majority of the time.") Still, why stop now? And I'll try not to be too bitter next week if it doesn't pan out. For instance, I will probably not put a voodoo hex on Miami. Probably.
Philadelphia Eagles @ Minnesota Vikings
It's always tough when you have two teams with terrible uniforms and poorly-used mascots facing off. Usually when this happens, I go to the geographic considerations, but Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania, and I once dated a guy from Pennsylvania who was a complete tool. (Granted, he wasn't from Philly, but I choose to hold the whole state responsible for that walking rectal polyp.) On the other hand, the Vikings aren't from a city but an entire state, which seems a little grandiose of them. And this is the state that brought us Walter Mondale and 9/11-denying Governor Jesse Ventura. But since I never dated Mondale or Ventura, I guess I have to give the nod to the Vikings.
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Week 17
So, having eliminated theme-based picking for week 16, I returned to a relatively healthy 10-6 for the week, which is exactly what Ditka got as well. In case you're wondering, no, we generally do not end up picking the same teams. (I say "we," as though I'm coordinating this with Coach Ditka rather than looking up his online commentary.) Anyway, I think 10-6 is some kind of magical average or something, since Ditka's football savvy prevents him from such genius moves as picking the Lions to beat New Orleans or conistently wrongly predicting a win for the Browns. On the other hand, my dislike of Troy Polamalu's Diana-Ross-in-Mahogany look led me to pick the Titans to beat the Steelers, which evidently no one else saw coming. So maybe it all evens out somehow. Anyway, below are my picks (in bold) for the week:
Sunday, Dec. 28
St. Louis Rams @ Atlanta Falcons
It occurs to me that we're about to begin the playoffs and yet I haven't used the term "Hotlanta" once all season. It's like I don't even know how to be 3 years behind the times anymore. So clearly, I have to go with the Falcons, not least of all because I sincerely doubt that Bravo is planning a Real Housewives of St. Louis spin-off anytime in the near future. Come on, rich bitches of St. Louis, step it up already! There's at least 3 hours of remaining Bravo airtime that's not dedicated to watching catty women buy things and pretend that their lives are hard. That could be you that we're all secretly judging and despising!
Oakland Raiders @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Oh no, it's a motherfucking pirate-off! I'm going to give the edge to the Buccaneers, since it's so much more of a fun and jaunty pirate name, whereas "Raiders" reminds one that pirates occasionally loot, rape, and kill instead of just making snide comments to Orlando Bloom. Plus, the Buccaneers have their own pirate ship, whereas the Raiders have their own cursed and undead owner.
Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers
I really, really want to be able to pick Cleveland here. Not so much because the Browns need a win (though they do), as because I just enjoy picking against Pittsburgh. But even in my haze of football ignorance, I have gathered that Ken Dorsey is now the starting quarterback for the Browns. And unfortunately, when I hear the name "Ken," I automatically think of weirdly cheerful plastic men without genitalia. That is what we call "bad symbolism" as far as the Browns' prospects are concerned.
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints
Since when did the entire state of North Carolina get a claim on the color light blue? Somehow, I want to blame Dean Smith for this. The problem is that I really like light blue and am vaguely annoyed that North Carolina seems to have redefined it as "Carolina blue,' so that you start looking like a crazed UNC fan if you wear it all the time. Oddly, however, no one ever assumes that you're a Panthers fan at all--even if you painted your whole body blue and tatooed a panther on your face. They'd just figure that you're going to a really interesting party later. And that is why I'm picking the Panthers.
New York Giants @ Minnesota Vikings
I'm not sure what to make of the moustache on the Vikings mascot picture. I'm not complaining that there is a moustache--it's supposed to be a Viking after all, so long hair and a moustache seem to be called for. But between the really blonde hair and the smooth handlebar moustache, the Vikings mascot looks more like a creative and well-groomed biker than a mad Norseman. If you combined him with the Redskins mascot, the Steelers mascot, and the Cowboys mascot, you'd be able to field an all-NFL mascot Village People.
Tennessee Titans @ Indianapolis Colts
As a student of mythology, I find it disappointing that there's no actual Titan on the Titan's helmets. Instead they have a flaming letter T. Fail, Tennessee logo artist. Fail. If you weren't going to include a mythological giant in your logo art, then why did you name yourself the Titans? For the alliteration? Because of the close ties between Nashville and ancient Greece? Lame.
Chicago Bears @ Houston Texans
On the other hand, I'm thinking that we should probably introduce some kind of mascot affirmative action for the Texans, who apparently have such low self-esteem that they simply identify with everyone who has ever lived in their state. Having met a few Texans in my time, I'm sure that they feel that mere Texas citizenship is enough to cement one's badass-ness, but the rest of us are wondering whether the creative team couldn't come up with any bloodthirsty animals or obscure literary references to use in the team name. I guess we should just be happy that they came up with something marginally better than, "the Houston Football Players."
Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers
Ok, I haven't been living under a rock. I know that this is the Lions' big chance to go 0-16 on the season. But I'm picking the Lions anyway. Yes, I realize that, statistically speaking, only an idiot would pick the Lions to win their only game in the final away game of the season. But the thing is . . . I'm an idiot. So there. That's why I'm picking them. Also because "Green Bay" always makes me think of an algae-covered pond, and those things smell like vomit and death.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Cincinnati Bengals
I'm picking the Chiefs because I hate writing out "Cincinnati." I can never remember how many "n"s and "t"s to stick in there. Yes, there is that song, but it's the worst mnemonic spelling song ever, since it still sounds ok no matter how many "n"s and "t"s you add. Frankly, I've been secretly rooting against the Begals all year just out of the fear that I'd have to spell their city name through the playoffs.
New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills
It's a sad fact that the buffalo are nearing extinction in this country. This is probably because of loss of habitat and the bad luck of being in the same division as the Patriots. Fear not, loyal Buffalo fans: eventually Belichick's deal will be up, the Devil will come claim his soul, and Buffalo will return to the glory days of losing consecutive Superbowls to less talented teams.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Baltimore Ravens
If the Ravens win this game, then they'll clinch the wild card spot in the playoffs. And if I picked against them, then the gods of football fandom would smite me like few fans have ever been smited before. (I think this means that we'd end up moving to Detroit.) So yeah, I'm picking the Ravens.
Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals
I freely admit that one of the reasons that I often pick the Cardinals is because I tend to forget that Cuba Gooding Jr is not one of their wide receivers.
Washington Redskins @ San Francisco 49ers
You know, I've had it with these culturally insensitive football team names. You know what I'm talking about. It's like San Francisco doesn't even care about the plight of the many gold rush miners of 1849 who ended up dying alone, ill, and impoverished. Shame on you San Francisco.
Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets
If the Jets don't win this game, then Brett Favre might actually retire and mean it. And the sportswriter industry won't have a post-season subject to blather on about and will end up needing federal bailout funds. So really, this pick is just about saving taxpayer dollars.
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles
Tony Romo has big, goofy ears. I'm sorry but it had to be said. I bet that Peyton Manning always tries to stand next to Romo in group photgraphs so that he can hear himself referred to as, "the sexy one."
Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers
Well, my Denver Broncos embargo continues, so this seems like a good time to point out how much I hated that Nestle's Crunch commercial with John Elway in it. I just feel that after becoming a succesful NFL quarterback and millionaire, he should be able to contain his excitement over the possibility of getting a Nestle's Crunch bar. And why did he wear his own jersey to go play football with a bunch of kids?
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Week 16
So picking saint-themed teams really, really backfired last week. God may have some influence on field goals and last-second receptions, but it's pretty clear that the rest of heaven has better things to do with their time than pay attention to their football namesakes. Alas, I went 7-9 last week, while Ditka had a painfully successful 11-5. But at least I still have my health and my . . . um . . . well, my health. Anyway, below are my picks (in bold) for this week.
Thursday, Dec. 16
Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars
I'm not entirely sure how either of these teams are doing this year. I'm picking the Colts because (to the best of my knowledge) they still have Peyton Manning on their team while I couldn't name the quarterback of the Jaguars even if his name was the secret code word that disabled a fleet of enemy missiles launched at us by a rogue Russian Army Colonel who had personally promised a billion trillion dollars to the person who successfully thwarted his plan. I'd still be saying, "Hold on, I just need to Google it really quick . . ."
Saturday, Dec. 20
Baltimore Ravens @ Dallas Cowboys
I actually watched the Ravens-Steelers game this weekend, but I'm trying not to think about it, as it was only slightly less interesting than watching someone get audited and almost as painful. I'm picking the Ravens again this week--mostly because they're my team and also because Jerry Jones has freakishly smooth skin for someone old enough to have been present at the birth of Christ.
Sunday, Dec. 21
Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns
I notice that the Browns don't seem to win when I pick them. However, I don't think anything all that mystical is going on here because the Browns also don't seem to win when I don't pick them. On the other hand, the Bengals don't seem to win, period. So what the heck, we'll go with the Browns because, in the battle of the orange uniforms, the Browns definitely win over those lame tiger stripes.
New Orleans Saints @ Detroit Lions
Well, the saints theme worked so badly last week, let's go with throwing Christians to the lions this time and see how that works out. Granted, Detroit is so hapless this year that I understand PETA is planning to sue them for their discriminatory mascot name, claiming that the team's play reflects badly on lions. But they can't lose them all, can they? Can they?
Arizona Cardinals @ New England Patriots
If I'm totally honest with myself, I think that it's most likely that New England will win this game. But I don't want to pick them to win. This is because I'm jealous of their good fortune and I've made the decision to hate on all New England/Boston area sports. Seriously, where do they get off being in playoff contention after losing their future Hall of Fame quarterback at the beginning of the season? I think that New England would have to spend decades in the Detroit-style wastelands before I felt sorry enough for them to want them to win again.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tennessee Titans
Well, Tennesse is showing evidence that they're mere mortals, while Pittsburgh is on the rise, but I'm picking Tennessee because of Troy Polamalu's hair. Seriously, can someone give that guy a rubber band or barrette or something? I feel sorry for the poor offensive lineman who gets whipped in the face by the Polamalu wig--split ends can sting, man.
San Francisco 49ers @ St. Louis Rams
San Francisco has given us sourdough bread and gay pride parades, while St. Louis has a big arch and a style of barbecue. Slight edge to the Rams. Mostly on the strength of the barbecue sauce.
Miami Dolphins @ Kansas City Chiefs
I can't believe I never noticed before that the Miami mascot isn't just a dolphin, but a dolphin wearing a football helmet. I'm so happy to see that Miami is on the forefront of preventing dolphin concussions that I'm choosing them to win this week.
San Diego Chargers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa Bay very famously has a pirate ship in their stadium. That seems very cool, though I've always wondered if it's really a bit of a letdown up close--like how disappointing it was to find out that Space Mountain is a pretty small and lame roller coaster. Still, San Diego doesn't have any kind of ship at all in their stadium--maybe the Extreme Home Makeover folks could do something about that.
Buffalo Bills @ Denver Broncos
I swore last week that I wasn't going to pick Denver anymore, and sure enough they won and contributed to my abysmal record for week 15. I will maintain my uninformed integrity and continue to pick against the Broncos this week--though I can't promise that said integrity will last more than a week or two if the Broncos keep winning.
New York Jets @ Seattle Seahawks
This is the time of year when I start rooting for Brett Favre, because when he's doing well, it always complicates the inevitable, "Will he retire?" commentary that starts around this time every year. (It's a Christmas tradition, like trimming the tree or wishing that Phil Simms would be struck mute.) If discussion of Favre's possible retirement isn't occupying at least 30% of all sports-related commentary, it's like it's not even winter.
Houston Texans @ Oakland Raiders
I notice that I tend not to pick the Raiders most of the time. I'm not sure if that's because they've been pretty terrible the last few years or because I'm afraid Al Davis will fly through my window at night and steal my soul. In any case, why change now?
Atlanta Falcons @ Minnesota Vikings
I think that the Vikings should build a Viking ship in their stadium--frankly, they don't do much to play on their mascot name other than those lame helmet horns. And don't even get me started on the fact that their color is purple. How is it that between a team with a bird mascot and a team with bloodthirsty warriors as a mascot, the bird team has the cooler uniform?
Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins
This is one of those difficult picks because there are so many reasons to be annoyed with both teams. The Eagles are so erratic this season that I'm beginning to wonder whether Donovan McNabb is aware that an NFL game can end in a win.
Carolina Panthers @ New York Giants
Why has no one questioned the Manning family about their naming style? How do you end up with both a Peyton (a name that I commonly hear now on bratty little girls at the Dairy Queen) and an Eli (which evokes cotton gins and toothless hillbillies)? I guess if I had to choose between them, I'd go with "Eli" since "Peyton" doesn't even have a decent nickname possibility. (Pay? Pate? Pee? Not good.)
Monday, Dec. 22
Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears
Where did the whole cheese-head thing come from anyway? I get that it has a connection to Wisconsin and dairy farming or something, but how did that get transmuted into a plausible sign of football fan support? Don't get me wrong--I love cheese in its many delicious forms but I don't find it a compelling reason to support a football team.
Week 15
Well, last week, I went 10-6, which is respectable I think--especially considering that Mike Ditka also went 10-6 for the week. So that puts me at 29-19 for the last three weeks and Ditka at 30-18. In other words, I am only one game behind the only guy on earth who can carry off that broom moustache. (Well, Wilford Brimley wears it pretty well too.) Not bad for someone who confused "quarterback" and "cornerback" well into high school. (That would be me, obviously, and not Coach Ditka.) So my picks (in bold) for this week are:
Thursday, Dec. 11
New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears
The part of me that's Catholic always feels honor bound to pick the Saints. (Much in the same way that I sometimes find myself rooting for Notre Dame for no reason at all.) Not only are we Catholics suckers for lost causes, but there's the whole Saints theme too--not to mention the fleur de lis on the uniform. The part of me that's rational says that the Bears seem to be playing better, the weather is crap, and the Bears are at home. The hell with rationality.
Sunday, Dec. 14
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens
Well, I've picked the Ravens twice now, and it has actually worked out both times. I'm sure it's all my doing and has nothing to do with the defensive play of Ed Reed or the new coaching staff or anything. Anyway, I'm not about to start picking against them now.
Denver Broncos @ Carolina Panthers
The Broncos are pissing me off. I pick them and they lose. I pick against them and they win. It's like they're purposely doing this to mess with me. This is why everyone hates them. Or maybe that has something to do with John Elway, the Drive, and so on. Anyway, screw the Broncos. I don't care if they're playing the Lions on the edge of an active volcano with a team composed entirely of clones of Hall of Famers. I'm not picking them again this year.
Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans
This is one of those games that always gets people by surprise, as the really good teams tend to drop one to a bad team somewhere late in the season, and the Titans are about due. But that doesn't mean I'm going to get off the Titans bandwagon--it's nice and warm here and Tony Kornheiser just made a bowl of mulled cider. Go Titans.
San Diego Chargers @ Kansas City Chiefs
I'm embarrassed to say that despite a very expensive Catholic school education, I'm not entirely sure who Saint Diego is. I suppose I could Google it, but that would take precious seconds that are better spent trumpeting my ignorance. To make up for that laziness, I'll go with San Diego here.
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets
I think the Jets might have the ugliest uniform in all of football. It's not even ugly in a classic, retro way--it just reminds of the high school that got last pick at colors and mascot. ("Yeah, we pick puke green and white, and we'll be the Fighting Ferrets.") Also, I always want to call their coach, "Eric Man-gina." (You know which rhyme I'm using here.) Still, I was going to pick the Jets because of the Favre factor, but since I was just so mean about them, it will have to wait 'till next week. After all, I wouldn't want to be inconsistant.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons
I'm not sure that I've picked the Falcons yet this year. That's probably why I was attacked by birds when I stepped outside my door this morning and had to go take refuge in a phone booth. Then I remembered that they're just birds and can be scared away by a 2-year-old with a kazoo, so I went about my day. Still, I'll pick the Falcons in the hopes of averting any future lame Hitchcock jokes.
Washington Redskins @ Cincinnati Bengals
Back in college, I once spent Thanksgiving with the family of a friend from school--all of them die-hard Redskins fans. When the game came on that weekend, all other discussion and activity ceased and every damned last one of them went and put on a Redskins jersey. This is not something that I feel we should encourage. Especially because they were RC Cola drinkers.
Detroit Lions @ Indianapolis Colts
I'm in an interesting place with the Lions. They're doing so badly that I've started rooting for them a little. On the other hand, it's strangely cool that they could get a reverse perfect season. So I'm not sure whether to root for them to win or root for them to finish the year without a win. In any case, it's probably moot this week as I don't see how they could make it happen against the Colts.
Green Bay Packers @ Jacksonville Jaguars
I don't really have any thoughts about this game at all, but I'm picking the Jaguars based on the quarterback name factors. I hate typing the two "A"s in the name Aaron, and I can never remember whether the Packers QB spells Rodgers with a "d" or not. Whereas, in contrast, I haven't the faintest idea who the quarterback for the Jaguars is. So Jacksonville wins that match-up pretty easily.
San Francisco 49ers @ Miami Dolphins
It seems like I'm kind of going with a Saint theme this week, so I guess I'll stay consistent and go with the 49ers for the Saint Francis factor. (Not being New Age-y, I don't consider dolphins to be saints, no matter how in touch with their chakras they might be.)
Seattle Seahawks @ Saint Louis Rams
Another saint. And even though Saint Louis was French and a king at that, I suppose I should honor my theme for the week. Though I'm starting to think that I should get some kind of miracle in return for being such a loyal Catholic in these picks. So, um . . . Saints Louis, Francis, and Diego (whoever you are), I just thought that I should mention that the Mega Millions jackpot is pretty high right now, if you catch my drift.
Minnesota Vikings @ Arizona Cardinals
I enjoy picking the Cardinals to win. It has a neat surreal quality to it. Plus, vikings aren't remotely close to saints, whereas the Cardinals could always decide to change their mascot to a Vatican representative in a funny hat.
New England Patriots @ Oakland Raiders
Well, holiness doesn't come into play at all here, considering that we're looking at a contest between Bill Belichick and Al Davis. I guess I'll go with New England, since there's a slim chance that Belichick hasn't sold his soul to the devil, but I'm pretty sure that Al Davis is Undead.
New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys
Have the Giants succumbed to the media circus surrounding their players or will they be able to pull it together for the post-season? Who cares? Tony Romo still hasn't been punished enough for publicly dating Jessica Simpson. And I think that Jerry Jones might be turning into a botox version of Al Davis.
Monday, Dec. 15
Cleveland Browns @ Philadelphia Eagles
I'm nonsensically picking the Browns this week because they're a team that obviously suffers from mascot confusion. Is their mascot a color? Or a dog? I've been told that the name is supposed to honor the founder of the franchise, in which case I think that their mascot should be a guy in a three-piece suit. How cool would that be on a helmet?
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Week 14
So, last week I went 9-7, which isn’t too bad considering that I somehow got a hold of a crack pipe and picked the Browns to beat the Colts. True, I was motivated by the desire not to have my in-laws pelt me with rolls and gravy, but it was still a retarded choice. Granted, Mike Ditka went 10-6 last week, but he won a Superbowl, and the best I can do is bake a cake shaped like a football. Anyway, here are my picks (in bold) for week 14:
Thursday, Dec. 4
Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers
I feel like the Raiders have been messing with me a little so far, but I will not be shaken from my conviction that they stink. Not to mention that I would never pick them over the Chargers because there was a little bully on my street when I was growing up who always wore oversized Raiders jackets. And we lived in Maryland. Screw the Raiders.
Sunday, Dec. 6
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Chicago Bears
I feel like making these picks might be a little easier if I could keep track of what each team’s record is, but I think that would be cheating since I’m pretty sure it would count as an attempt to inform myself. So instead, I will use the mascot system. I’m pretty sure that a bear would beat a jaguar, assuming we’re talking about ordinary brown bears or grizzlies and not koalas or something. (Do koalas even count as bears or are they one of those Australian freak mammals that are called one thing but actually fall under some other category? You know, like species transvestites or something.)
Cleveland Browns @ Tennessee Titans
I’m done trying to placate the spirits of Northeastern Ohio. I’ve picked the Browns twice and it has caused me nothing but grief. And I look terrible in brown anyway—like a big, fat Tootsie Roll.
Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions
I’ve never cared for the Vikings’ colors—the purple reminds me of the color that fifth grade girls prefer for their unicorn-themed Trapper Keepers. But I’m not basing this pick on colors—I’m basing it on the fact that the Lions seem to excel at sucking more than Paris Hilton at the Grammy Awards.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts
I think I once heard that no team has ever gone the entire season without winning at least one game. So it would seem that at least one time I ought to pick the Bengals. This is not that time.
Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints
I refuse to jump on the Matt Ryan bandwagon—for God’s sake, the man has two first names. Not to mention that it seems like every third guy that age is named Matt. True story—my friend and I once drove around Gettysburg College, yelling “Hey, Matt!” just to watch random people turn around and say, “Yo!”
Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants
I recall seeing that some of the Giants made the gossip section of the New York Times this week, which can’t be a good thing. But I just cannot bring myself to pick the Eagles—where do they get off having a mascot like an eagle and having green and white as their colors? Heck, the Bills are red, white, and blue and I’m damned if I could tell you what their mascot is.
Houston Texans @ Green Bay Packers
Well, I know that they Texans are used to playing terribly in the heat of Houston, but will they be able to play terribly in the cold of Lambeau Field?
New York Jets @ San Francisco 49ers
People still say Brett Favre’s name all silly because of There’s Something About Mary. Maybe there should be a special wall in the Hall of Fame for quarterbacks with that kind of long-lasting cultural influence.
New England Patriots @ Seattle Seahawks
Apparently, God is punishing Seattle. Maybe He’s not a Soundgarden fan.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos
Mike Shanahan is awfully tan for a guy who lives in Denver. Also, my sister is a Maryland transplant who now lives in Colorado and has adopted the Broncos as her team in a direct challenge to my theory that you should root for the city where you were born. Of course, I doubt she reads this, but I’m still picking against Denver.
Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills
Miami has the better uniform, but the Bills get points for going with the patriotic color scheme. On the other hand, I have no idea whether a dolphin can beat up a Bill, because I’m not sure what a Bill is. I suppose it all depends on whether the fight is on land or in the water, unless Bills are scuba experts or something.
St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals
Of course, it would just be silly to use the mascot test for this game—especially when there’s the fun of rooting for Kurt Warner to beat the team that both made and screwed up his career.
Dallas Cowboys @ Pittsburgh Steelers
It pains me to pick the Steelers, what with the annoying towel thing—what is so “terrible” and intimidating about a yellow hand towel? Yeah, don’t piss off a Steelers fan. They’re hell on excess moisture. But I’m picking Pittsburgh anyway because I suspect that Jerry Jones is staying young off the blood of young, virginal coaching assistants.
Washington Redskins @ Baltimore Ravens
Still not going to pick against my team. Especially in a local rivalry match. And especially when I am surrounded by smug Redskins fans. Though I do appreciate that (around here anyway) Popeye’s is the official chicken of the Washington Redskins. I think that more sports franchises need an official fried chicken.
Monday, Dec. 8
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers
I was going to pick the Panthers because I think panthers are cool and I’m feeling a little anti-pirate today. But, looking over this week’s picks, I notice that I haven’t picked many visiting teams, so I’m picking Tampa Bay in order to even things out a bit. That doesn’t change my anti-pirate sentiment though—those Somali pirate assholes have sullied the coolness of piratehood.
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Week 13
So, last week, my relative football ignorance managed to get me to 10-6 in picks. And the randomly selected ESPN.com football expert I’ve decided to go with for contrast is Mike Ditka—who also went 10-6 last week. I swear I’m not going with Ditka purely for the opportunity to make Bill Swerski’s SuperFans jokes. So here are my uninformed picks for the week. And now, I’m going to go have some kielbasa washed down with some pork chops.
(My picks are in bold print.)
Thursday, Nov. 27
Tennessee Titans @ Detroit Lions
Part of me really, really wants to pick the Lions on Thanksgiving Day. It seems to me that if you’re part of a tradition of giving people something to watch every year while they slip into a food-related coma, then you should at least win sometimes. But against the Titans? Not gonna happen.
Seattle Seahawks @ Dallas Cowboys
And I also want Seattle to win, but know in my heart that it’s just not bloody likely. Seattle is one of those mystifying teams that has randomly terrible seasons for no discernible reason. Perhaps they’ve been cursed for bringing us the boutique coffee craze.
Arizona Cardinals @ Philadelphia Eagles
I have no idea. Philly looked terrible last week against the Ravens and McNabb ended up sitting on the bench. Arizona also lost, but has been playing better—although here they’re the visiting team on Thanksgiving. I guess I’m going with Arizona—because I want Kurt Warner’s ride to last as long as it can. And also because Eagles fans can be such pains in the ass, but I’ve never met an annoying Cardinals fan. Come to think of it, I’ve never met a Cardinals fan of any kind.
Sunday, Nov. 30
San Francisco 49ers @ Buffalo Bills
I can’t help but admire the way that the Bills really use both their city name and team name together for a kind of mascot synergy. Also, I don’t plan to pick the 49ers again until I can name their quarterback without looking it up.
Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals
Honestly, I’m not going to pick against the Ravens unless it’s a huge mismatch. I’m not going to be responsible for jinxing my team for the sake of trying to inflate my pick record.
Indianapolis Colts @ Cleveland Browns
I’m actually in Ohio right now, and it’s cold as hell. (I guess, technically speaking, that is some unfortunate phrasing, what with hell not being known for its low temperatures. But I really want to get across how cold it is. It’s really friggin’ cold.) Personally, I doubt that the Browns can pull this off, but I’m going to pick them anyway because I don’t want the state to put a curse on me and make it snow so badly that I get stuck up here.
Carolina Panthers @ Green Bay Packers
I generally like the Panthers a lot better, especially since the whole Favre debacle. But if it’s this cold in Ohio, it’s even colder at Lambeau Field, and those insane people with cheese wedges on their heads deserve some kind of bonus for hanging out in a gigantic freezer to cheer on Aaron Rodgers. Now that is dedication.
Miami Dolphins @ St. Louis Rams
I’m picking the Dolphins because I’ve picked a lot of home teams so far, and because one of my first apartments was decorated in Dolphins-ish colors.
New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I don’t have anything against either of these teams. But the Saints generally fall apart at some point in most seasons, and I figure it’s about time to start predicting it.
New York Giants @ Washington Redskins
I live near Washington, and when the Redskins win a home game, there are usually all kinds of special pizza deals and stuff. However, I’m trying to cut back on how much pizza we order, and I want everyone else to suffer too.
Atlanta Falcons @ San Diego Chargers
If the Falcons continue to do well, we’re going to hear a lot about Matt Ryan. I’m not in the mood for that. Chargers.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ New England Patriots
This is a bit of a conundrum for me, as both fan groups annoy the crap out of me. However, there’s this one guy I see every Sunday who always wears a Steelers jersey for game day. He has a Village People moustache too. I want him to lose so, so badly. Patriots.
Denver Broncos @ New York Jets
Well, I want to pick the Broncos because I want to even out my home versus visiting ratio. But they let me down last week while the Jets made me look good for picking them over the Titans. I kind of feel like that means I owe the Jets at least one week of loyalty for that, even if their uniforms look like they should say “Chico’s Bail Bonds” across the front.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders
In the battle of the stubbornly crappy teams, I pick the one without a crazy owner. Also, if the Raiders won, then that would put them on a bit of a win streak, and we all know that they don’t roll like that.
Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings
Someone is going to pull an upset this week. Unfortunately for Chicago, I already went out on a very weak limb for Cleveland.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans
It pains me to know that I am picking the Texans to win something. Maybe it’s cold up here because hell froze over.
I like and occasionally even understand pro football. What I don’t understand is how people (and by people, I mean sportswriters) can feign interest in games that don’t even remotely affect their favorite team or their team’s divisional standings. Well, I understand inasmuch as there’s money involved, but I’ve seen some sportswriters get their Jordan-endorsed Hanes in a bunch because the local black-out rules meant that they had to watch two mediocre local teams play instead of being able to watch a game between two other mediocre teams from the other side of the country. These guys analyze game stats, injury lists, and fantasy numbers like they hold the key to curing cancer, diabetes, and male pattern baldness. And yet, despite the acres of print that they churn out, most of them don’t go much over .500 when it comes to picking winners over a season. In other words, despite all of the study and expertise, they don’t do that much better than Paris Hilton flipping a coin. (Though to be accurate, it would probably be Paris Hilton’s assistant flipping the coin and writing down results while Paris herself wandered around proclaiming things, “hot.”)
So I figure that almost any system could be nearly as accurate as the knowledgeable sportswriter method, and to test this theory, I’m going to be making mostly uninformed football picks every Friday. (I say “mostly” because every once in awhile, despite my best efforts, some bit of statistical football knowledge might penetrate my brain.) To prove that my picks are truly random and uninformed, I’ll include a bit of my reasoning as well. Then we’ll compare it to an “expert” and see how it works out. So here we go:
Week 12 (My Picks in Bold)
Thursday, Nov. 20
Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers
To be fair, since this column is going up on Thursday night, I probably shouldn’t include this game, but I haven’t seen the score yet, and besides, I would pick the Steelers regardless. First, because the Steelers are having a good year and they’re playing at home. And second, because the Bengals couldn’t suck more if the team were made up exclusively of Tijuana hookers.
Sunday Nov. 23
Philadelphia Eagles @ Baltimore Ravens
I’m not actually 100% confident about this pick, but I’m a Ravens fan, and I’d have to be a huge jerk to pick against them in the very first week I did this. And a little unwarranted optimism is good for the soul.
New York Jets @ Tennessee Titans
I’m picking the Jets because I liked Brett Favre’s Mastercard commercial and because I’m a bitter person who hates all undefeated teams except my own.
Tampa Bay Bucs @ Detroit Lions
Tough one because I can’t remember hearing anything good about the Bucs lately. On the other hand, the Lions are always terrible. Are they still trying to build the only all-receiver NFL team?
Minnesota Vikings @ Jacksonville Jaguars
Wow. Could not care less. I’m going with Jacksonville because it’s cold here right now and I blame Minnesota for that. Maybe the Vikings will have trouble playing in the comfortable, temperate climate.
Buffalo Bills @ Kansas City Chiefs
On the one hand, I still feel sorry for Buffalo for all those lost Superbowls under Jim Kelly. Maybe they should go to Washington and ask for a bail-out. On the other hand, KC keeps doing training camp documentaries. Gotta go with the Bills.
Chicago Bears @ St. Louis Rams
I still blame the Rams and Mike Martz for the decline of Kurt Warner. I don’t care if neither of them are with the team anymore. I’m taking the Bears.
New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins
If you listen very closely while watching the footage of Tom Brady’s knee injury, you can actually hear the bandwagon fans abandoning the Patriots. This would almost make me feel sorry for them, if their remaining fans weren’t so irritating. Dolphins.
San Francisco 49ers @ Dallas Cowboys
The 49ers have not finished their term in purgatory for having all of those Superbowls with Montana and Young. (Watch out Patriots fans—your team’s next.) Going with the Cowboys here.
Houston Texans @ Cleveland Browns
Regardless of anything else, there is a chance that I might be in Northeast Ohio next week for Thanksgiving. And I have no desire to be chased back to the Pennsylvania border with torches and pitchforks because of this pick. Browns by a million.
Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos
I recently finished a book about a regular guy who goes to Broncos training camp as a kicker. Weirdly, it didn’t make me like most of the Broncos any more than before. But I cannot in good conscience support Al Davis’ bizarre wardrobe habits.
Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons
I noticed that I was picking a lot of Home teams, so I thought I’d mix it up. And I like the Panther’s uniforms better.
New York Giants @ Arizona Cardinals
Defending Superbowl champ that just embarrassed my team last week? Yeah, I’ll go with those guys.
Washington Redskins @ Seattle Seahawks
Seattle has had a really tough couple of years, sports-wise. They deserve a morale boost.
Indianapolis Colts @ San Diego Chargers
I still don’t think that the Chargers should have fired Schottenheimer. But they do have the best uniform colors in the NFL. If you’re the type of guy who coordinates your outfits based on NFL teams, please stop using the Falcons as a guide and go with the Chargers. (Yes ladies, this does explain the time your boyfriend wore an orange and teal shirt.)
Monday, Nov. 24
Green Bay Packers @ New Orleans Saints
I’m sure the Favre situation was very difficult for everyone, and blah, blah blah. When you come from a city with a history of mediocre quarterbacks, it boggles the mind to see another team just dump a Hall of Fame QB. It’s very similar to the response you had when you heard that Richard Gere dumped Cindy Crawford. (“Seriously? You think you could do better? Are you smoking crack? What retarded friend convinced you that you could do better?) So, yeah, the Saints.