Why You Should Pity Cleveland Fans
by Prue
A long time ago, I read some sports geek's attempt to scientifically quantify which city's sports fans are most deserving of our sympathy. Leave it to a sports geek to drag statistics into the measurement of human misery. But to anyone who has ever known a Cleveland fan (and I have one in my house), it's no contest. We know all about the famous curses of American sports, and yet no one has come up with a nifty handle for Cleveland's perennial heartbreaks. Maybe it's not a curse. Maybe God just hates Cleveland fans. According to Wikipedia (which we all know is never, never wrong), the last major sports championship won by a Cleveland team was the 1964 NFL Championship, making them arguably the major city with the worst sports drought. Whatever the explanation for Cleveland's bad luck, here are 6 reasons why you should pity the fan of Cleveland sports. Why 6? Because that's how bad it is--they don't even get a round number.
6. The 1997 World Series. The Indians hadn't won a Series since 1948. It was game 7, and the Indians brought in Jose Mesa to close out the game and win the title. Instead he gave up the tying run that sent it to extra innings, and Charles Nagy gave up another run in the 11th to give the Florida Marlins the win. If Cleveland ever bows to PC pressures and replaces their mascot, I suggest an image of a happy person suddenly being stabbed in the heart.
5. LeBron and the Cavs. It was almost physically painful to watch this year's playoff series against the Magic. In LeBron, Cleveland has what is arguably the best player in basketball. And he's not a jerk or thug or anything. He's a likeable team player who was central to the effort to take back the gold medal for USA basketball. And yet, while they keep getting to the playoffs and looking strong, somewhere it always seems to fall short. Some people might blame the coaching or lack of depth. Me, I blame it on gremlins. Clearly, the Cavs are infested with nasty, impish mythical creatures that swat balls away from the hoop in mid-air and mess with the clock while no one's looking.
4. The Browns Move. As a Baltimore fan, this has always been something of a touchy subject in our household, but I have to be fair--this was a hell of a heart-wrenching move. Not just because of the team abandonment issues, but because, to add insult to injury, at the time of the move, the Browns were looking better and better under their coach, Bill Belichick. Of course, little did the Browns know that they were about to be collateral damage in Belichick's deal with Satan to become the most dominant coach in the NFL. (Downside of deal with Satan--he's required to wear ratty sweatshirts in all public appearances.)
3. The Major League Movies. Well, the sequels anyway. Haven't Indians fans suffered enough?
2. The 1989 NBA Playoffs - Is there any pain like being the wrong team in a historic sports highlight? You know that famous clip of Michael Jordan making a last minute shot to win the game and then pumping his fist in celebration. Yeah, that was against the Cavs. Who were about to knock Jordan and the Bulls out of the playoffs when Jordan hit the shot over Craig Ehlo. The Cavs would lose another playoff series to the Bulls in 1992--most likely because of the aforementioned problem with gremlins. Though I would also hesitate to rule out the possibility that their stadium was built on an ancient Aztec burial mound. What do you mean there were no Aztecs in Northeast Ohio? Honestly, I think the Cavs are just unlucky enough to have built over the grave of some Aztec second cousin or something.
1. The Drive and The Fumble. Yet another one for the historic highlight reel. You know it's bad when they just stick the definite article in front of your team's unfortunate experience. That's the sporting world's way of saying, "this was so incredble that we don't even need to specify which moment we're talking about. Now, for the rest of time, your team is going to be modelling the agony of defeat in football montages." In our house, it's dangerous even to use the words "the" and "drive" together in a sentence. God help you if you don't immediately clarify that you're talking about your road trip to the Grand Canyon. In case you're not familiar with your football history, "The Drive" refers to the end of the 1987 AFC Championship Game, when John Elway led the Broncos 98 yards, scoring the tying touchdown with only 38 seconds left. The Broncos then won by a field goal in overtime. Then, the following year, against the same team in the same Championship game, Cleveland's Earnest Byner fumbled on the 3-yard line with 1:12 left in the game, and just a few steps from scoring the tying touchdown. Man, it hurts just to type it out. It's pretty obvious that this goes beyond mere curses. It's more like a modern plague of Egypt: "And yea, God said to Moses, 'Verily I shall strike down the City of Cleves with great vengeance and heartbreaking title losses, and you will know my name is the Lord when I give thee multiple draft busts and Art Modell.'"
A long time ago, I read some sports geek's attempt to scientifically quantify which city's sports fans are most deserving of our sympathy. Leave it to a sports geek to drag statistics into the measurement of human misery. But to anyone who has ever known a Cleveland fan (and I have one in my house), it's no contest. We know all about the famous curses of American sports, and yet no one has come up with a nifty handle for Cleveland's perennial heartbreaks. Maybe it's not a curse. Maybe God just hates Cleveland fans. According to Wikipedia (which we all know is never, never wrong), the last major sports championship won by a Cleveland team was the 1964 NFL Championship, making them arguably the major city with the worst sports drought. Whatever the explanation for Cleveland's bad luck, here are 6 reasons why you should pity the fan of Cleveland sports. Why 6? Because that's how bad it is--they don't even get a round number.
6. The 1997 World Series. The Indians hadn't won a Series since 1948. It was game 7, and the Indians brought in Jose Mesa to close out the game and win the title. Instead he gave up the tying run that sent it to extra innings, and Charles Nagy gave up another run in the 11th to give the Florida Marlins the win. If Cleveland ever bows to PC pressures and replaces their mascot, I suggest an image of a happy person suddenly being stabbed in the heart.
5. LeBron and the Cavs. It was almost physically painful to watch this year's playoff series against the Magic. In LeBron, Cleveland has what is arguably the best player in basketball. And he's not a jerk or thug or anything. He's a likeable team player who was central to the effort to take back the gold medal for USA basketball. And yet, while they keep getting to the playoffs and looking strong, somewhere it always seems to fall short. Some people might blame the coaching or lack of depth. Me, I blame it on gremlins. Clearly, the Cavs are infested with nasty, impish mythical creatures that swat balls away from the hoop in mid-air and mess with the clock while no one's looking.
4. The Browns Move. As a Baltimore fan, this has always been something of a touchy subject in our household, but I have to be fair--this was a hell of a heart-wrenching move. Not just because of the team abandonment issues, but because, to add insult to injury, at the time of the move, the Browns were looking better and better under their coach, Bill Belichick. Of course, little did the Browns know that they were about to be collateral damage in Belichick's deal with Satan to become the most dominant coach in the NFL. (Downside of deal with Satan--he's required to wear ratty sweatshirts in all public appearances.)
3. The Major League Movies. Well, the sequels anyway. Haven't Indians fans suffered enough?
2. The 1989 NBA Playoffs - Is there any pain like being the wrong team in a historic sports highlight? You know that famous clip of Michael Jordan making a last minute shot to win the game and then pumping his fist in celebration. Yeah, that was against the Cavs. Who were about to knock Jordan and the Bulls out of the playoffs when Jordan hit the shot over Craig Ehlo. The Cavs would lose another playoff series to the Bulls in 1992--most likely because of the aforementioned problem with gremlins. Though I would also hesitate to rule out the possibility that their stadium was built on an ancient Aztec burial mound. What do you mean there were no Aztecs in Northeast Ohio? Honestly, I think the Cavs are just unlucky enough to have built over the grave of some Aztec second cousin or something.
1. The Drive and The Fumble. Yet another one for the historic highlight reel. You know it's bad when they just stick the definite article in front of your team's unfortunate experience. That's the sporting world's way of saying, "this was so incredble that we don't even need to specify which moment we're talking about. Now, for the rest of time, your team is going to be modelling the agony of defeat in football montages." In our house, it's dangerous even to use the words "the" and "drive" together in a sentence. God help you if you don't immediately clarify that you're talking about your road trip to the Grand Canyon. In case you're not familiar with your football history, "The Drive" refers to the end of the 1987 AFC Championship Game, when John Elway led the Broncos 98 yards, scoring the tying touchdown with only 38 seconds left. The Broncos then won by a field goal in overtime. Then, the following year, against the same team in the same Championship game, Cleveland's Earnest Byner fumbled on the 3-yard line with 1:12 left in the game, and just a few steps from scoring the tying touchdown. Man, it hurts just to type it out. It's pretty obvious that this goes beyond mere curses. It's more like a modern plague of Egypt: "And yea, God said to Moses, 'Verily I shall strike down the City of Cleves with great vengeance and heartbreaking title losses, and you will know my name is the Lord when I give thee multiple draft busts and Art Modell.'"